Six Months in a Flash

Six months in a flash, everything still in a mess. Have not settled payment to parents and aunts, have not settled claims, have not found the extra push to work after office hours and on weekends.

Payment to parents and aunts: It is a normal thing to do. I think I need to work out a monthly visiting schedule to aunts' place. Otherwise, nothing will get going. It is time to really bring back the dough.

Claims: Phone claims, cab fare, and other claims. Got to get my butt off and start doing these.

Work after office hours and weekends: For some reason, I totally switch off after work. Very very bad. There is no enthusiasm at all. Perhaps It is because I am used to doing work in lab till very late. Home is where I come back to sleep and not do work. Hence the brain automatically switches off when I am home. Need to find some way to "psycho" myself to work. I think I should set aside 1 hour after work every day to do extra work.

Finance Planning: It is time to start and Excel sheet to record expenditure. Perhaps a yearly budgeting exercise would be good.

Social Calendar: I have to start to plan GossipLane outings, BP lunch, 2202 meetings and CR meetings on a more regular basis. Say once a month.

Lessons Learnt:

1) Must be steady, DO NOT rush.

2) Think like planning experiment. Step by step, take stock of each step.

3) Clear definition of role is important. Leave the job to the proper people.

4) Calling is more personal than emailing, especially for apologizing to people.

5) Perfection is excessive. Good enough will do.

What I Want...

Sometimes, I guess I don't really know what I want...

Take job for example. Given a choice, I would have continue with science education. After all, I used to and still am immensely interested in working in the WHO or the CDC on disease response. After reading all those books on infectious diseases, I think I'm hooked on pandemic, crisis, infectious agents etc. Then again, I will probably need a medical degree or a PhD at the very least. As far as I know, I am not suited to be a medical doctor because my motivation is still mainly "destruction" rather than "construction". As for PhD, it seems like market for PhDs is not very good at the moment. Besides, I cannot guarantee I will get a position in WHO or CDC even with a PhD...

Now, I am engaged in administrative work. It is not bad I guess. I get to interact with lots of people, do behind-the-scenes work and get training on how to think in a multi-party situation. In a way, it is kind of exciting and it pays quite well. In this society, it is difficult to get around without money and parents are getting old. Thus I need to take financial stability very seriously. However, infectious diseases is something that will really get my pulse racing.

On social side, I think I'm kind of losing direction as well. Recently, I went out with this friend twice. The feeling is not bad. I think we are alike in a number of ways. I actually see myself in her sometimes - I think I would end up very very similar to her if I were in her shoes. I kind of feel something, something very vague. I cannot even define what this is. If someone were to ask me who I like at the moment, I would probably be able name 2. Well... "like" is a term that I guess most people would use. I prefer "positive feeling". The current me is not qualified to "like" anyone. But this friend?

Review and Sort

Time to review. Been on the job for 4 months.

On competency end, I think I really sucked. Out of 100 marks, I would give a 45. Public administration is more complex than I imagined. There are a myriad of issues one has to consider when making a decision. One false move can prove to be one's undoing. A good example is human perception (which is rather well portrayed by the movie "contagion"). When there is a new scheme, people will start to ask where will the budget come from. If it comes from their pockets, they will flip. It is human nature. But the selfishness of it all is disgusting. Then there will be people who don't do their work too and spend a good half an hour telling you unimportant things and when you put down the phone, you realise: have I gotten the information I wanted? Worse is when someone who should have the information tells you that they do not have it. How can these people not have the info when it's their responsibility and job scope?

Lesson 1: Stand firm on the info I want. Never mind what the other side say, get all the info I need.

Lesson 2: Read all articles carefully before responding or asking question. Pay attention to details. I cannot afford to ask redundant questions for that will dent my credibility. The saying "the devil is in the details". I can overstate how true that rings out.

Lesson 3: Also, a variant is "the devil is in the execution". All policies are empty talk, no matter how good they look and sound, unless they can be executed in reality. When talking about strategies, it is always important to think about feasibility and how they can be implemented.

Lesson 4: Before I approach anyone, I need to consolidate the information and ask the right question. Asking the right question is a useful skill. It will avoid people misconceiving what you are asking and giving you the wrong information, causing you to "re-ask" that person.

Lesson 5: Finance information can tell you many many things. More than just revenue and loss, it can tell you how effective a unit is working.

Lesson 6: WHERE ARE MY SOFT SKILLS???

All in all, if this is Bleach, I suppose my situation would be like losing a Captain's level power (or a Lieutenant's) and got demoted to normal human. Suddenly, I cannot fully comprehend things. And worse is, many things are not within my control. Research suddenly seemed very enticing.

The good thing is, I am learning lots of new things. : ))) And I refuse to give up. However, I need to buck up and find some way to motivate myself. HOW???

On the social end of things, I think I am just as bad. I would report a rating of 30 out of 100. Sometimes I wonder, why do I hesitate when approaching people? They are colleagues right? We are in the same team right? Forging stronger ties and getting to know them and they know me is going to benefit us all right? But why am I vacillating? Even yesterday, I was actually apprehensive when collecting movie tickets I bought online. Utterly ridiculous. The good thing is, logic and a sense of urgency kicked in yesterday. I wonder how dumb I would have looked if those did not come in time. Irrational fear. But of what? I have no idea. of losing face? Or looking stupid? Irrational fears are to be crushed.

Also, it seems that I am too serious. I have to learn to loosen up. Really. Sounds easy. But somehow, the message is having a hard time getting to me.

On fitness end, I'm starting to move. Re-started gym sessions and running session. Super out of shape. This time, I have to be consistent. In any case, I have set a deadline of CNY to improve physique and dressing. Looks like a reasonable deadline. If only I can keep the pace.

The "True" Purpose of Competition

Watched a Hong Kong drama. Kinda feel sad for the guy who tries to force another to compete with him to determine the best player. Which led me to think: What is the point of competition? When can we tell that it has gone too far?

I supposed you can say competition is the order of nature. Natural selection functions via competition. I feel that humans are the ultimate competitors. Ever since the day a human is born, you can expect some parents from someone will start pitting your children against others. When children mature, they will pit themselves against their peers. When they finally have their own children, they will pit their children against others. It is a never-ending cycle.

What is the point of competition? To prove you are better than others. To feel the thrill of competition. To make your "stake-holders" happy.  I fully agree with all, the first two in particular (personally experienced them). However, the point of competition is actually to find your weaknesses and overcome them.

Victory against someone or something is simply a temporary state, with many qualifiers. Everyone can improve and in competitions, many factors can magnify the difference between two players. The topics that come out in exams, the wind condition, a careless error of judgement in hitting a ball. All these depend on luck. Beating your opponents because of these factors hardly proves that you are better. I think whether win or lose, your biggest gain should be the knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses and what you can do to improve yourself. The great sensation of winning is simply a reward for your past hard work and should not be the ultimate aim of winning. After all, beating someone may not prove anything at all. The factor separate the two may just be luck. No competition can ensure that all players are at their peak, compete under the same conditions, use the same equipment, enjoy the same level of training. No competition is completely fair. Therefore, the results of competition may be significant, if at all. But through a competition, you can surely sense your strengths and weaknesses. You can analyze "match" and decide what is your strength. Weaknesses are more easily felt. Competition lets you acutely sense your weaknesses and generates a sense of urgency to overcomes them. How can you forget the feeling losing to someone due to your weakness? While everyone cheer the victor, it is actually the loser who potentially stands to gain more. Make no mistake about this.

When someone becomes obsessed with beating someone or obsessed with challenging others to determine who is better, they have gone too far. When you win, you should feel happy and proud because you deserved it or because of your exceptional good luck or because you overcome your obstacles. Like I stated previously, the ultimate goal of competition should not simply be victory against someone - it should be a process of discovering where you can improve. I now believe challenging someone just to prove who is stronger is a waste of time but challenging someone to further improve yourself is the true purpose of competition.

You can get carried away at the moment but never forget the true purpose of competition. In addition, there is no perpetual winner or loser and there is absolute no competition that is 100% fair. To be competitive simply to prove you are the best is kidding yourself. A competition is meant to enable you to assess yourself.

Just Gotta Evolve

I feel like a fish out of water. Or in Japanese animation, they are on a different level of power from me. And the occasional careless mistake can be costly. In school, careless mistakes do not cost so much. A few marks off, one grade down. But in the real world, careless mistakes can make people think lowly of you - the implication is tremendous! First thing to plug is my careless mistakes.

Second thing is to inculcate a habit of double checking. Never trust anyone. Always double check. Never mind if it takes slightly longer. Always double check. I cannot emphasize this enough. ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET!

Decided

Decided. To live a max of 60 years. UNLESS something or someone changes my mind. Too tiring to live so long and too... Sometimes I don't really know why I think in a "holier than thou" way. Guess that is my nature. Even though brain knows better than to slip down this path, it lapses sometimes. Better be dead than to act like that. In the meanwhile, I must learn to release my energy on a more consistent basis.

Operation Kill Sloth

For the past 3 months, I look like an idiot, sound like an idiot, must be an idiot. Granted, managing human-human relations is not my forte. Despite this, I do realize that if I do not ameliorate my ability in this, I will get no where. Despite what some people may think, soft skills are extremely important - they form the core of a person's ability. You can have all the knowledge in the world. But soft skills is needed to make people listen to you and to believe you. Without knowledge, you have no credibility. Without soft skills, you are a misfit.

Kill Slot:. I need to whack my inner sloth harder. I have been wasting my weekends these days. Unacceptable for a newbie (actually, more of a noob). I reminisce the past year when I am able to bring myself to work even on weekends, rain or shine. Now, weekends seem to be a time to relax. True, I need to relax a bit. The problem is that I seem to relax to much. The Sloth is stronger than my other self now and I must find my old self before it is too late.

Strangely felt like asking CR out yesterday for dinner at Vivocity. She agreed. Let's see. This is the.... 3rd time I asked an individual out. There is my Sis and another person. That was years ago. I did spend time with people alone. But not asking people out individually. Why I ask her out? Good question. Let's see.

1) I see myself in her. I got to where I am because of luck (in addition to hard work and some talent of course). I think this is what sets us apart. If I were to take her path, I am quite sure I would be in the same state as her. That is why I would like to help her if I can, if it does not infringes any moral/legal issues.

2) I can understand how she feels now - the pressure to secure a job, coupled with the uncertainty of whether her own ability is sufficient to take on the job. I can totally understand. Been through that phase 4 years ago. But I do not really know how she thinks. Part of me wants to know her better to see how to help her.

3) I have positive feelings for this person I think. Maybe it is because I feel we are quite alike. Of course, it could be an illusion on my part again. Therefore, I am keeping this thing under tight control in case it spirals into insanity. I do not sense positivity from her end (except that she kind of admires my state of employment and my ability while in school). All the better. Quite confident that things will be kept under control.

4) I just need company?? The feeling of going out with friends is just... nice. Whether is it GL people or others. I must admit. Going out with females is more appealing than with males for some reason.

Just saying what I want

Ran on Tuesday. Fell. Scraped my knees. No gauze at home. No gauze at shops downstairs. Dad worried but don't know what to do. Mum didn't even bother (If Hazeline Snow works, wouldn't you think hospitals would be using them by now?). Slept facing up that night so I would not stain my bed. Injury not too bad. So it wasn't too much of a concern. Just a little inconvenience. What bothers me more is that no one can help/bothers to even worry a bit. Just proves that I cannot depend on parents anymore (or a certain person didn't really care, as long as I did not inconvenience that person). Friends bothered more than that person. No wonder I like my friends much better.

Today. Spoke to XY about stuff. I actually talk quite a bit. Surprised. Then at dinner, revealed more. I think I have changed. In the past, I would feel the need to step up my efforts. Now, I will analyze, weigh options and not be rash. Good. Very good.

Re-start: Project Final Fantasy II

Cancelled NT-D. I was not motivated enough during this period. Decided to forge ahead with Project Final Fantasy II. Hope it would be as successful as its game counter part.

So I graduated and started working. Below is a preliminary list of what I ought to do:

Finances:
1) Begin plan to repay parents and aunts (amount to be worked out, taking into account point 2).
2) Begin to take charge of bills (phone bills) and pay for family grocery.
3) Begin to consider certain form of investment (bank interest is ridiculously low).
Social:
1) Stop feeling self-conscious and start to play the sociable person. Never mind about feeling weird.
2) Engage everyone. BUT still be nicer to certain people.
3) Reduce Facebook time if there is no one to chat with.
Physical:
1) Stick to exercise programme. Gym twice and run twice a week.
Mental:
1) Consider MBA or Master's in Public Health
Personal:
1) No more wasting weekends. Do office work or read up to improve self or meet friends.
2) Consider learning s******* and c******.

Post-Commencement High

2 days after Commencement and I am still feeling high. Uploaded pictures to facebook, kept checking friends' updates and photos. Totally enjoying this euphoria. : )))))

Let's do a quick stock take of the 4 years and the very very important people I met

Year 1:

Did badly at CAs. Barely passed most of them. Practicals were a flop as well, especially organic chemistry practicals. Good think seniors (Vincent Oei) gave pointers on how to write good reports. Met favourite TA, Chuu Ling (she looks and feels like my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Choo). Beginning of 4 years with good friend Yi Lian. We ended up taking many many core modules together.

Remembered the pathetic trembling when I was doing presentation for Intro to Computing. This is probably one of the worst presentation I gave, along with Council meeting 2 weeks ago... Pleasant surprise when I got my first results slip. 4.8 + dean's list no. 1 in sem 1 and then 4.9 + dean's list no. 2 in sem 2! Totally unexpected. Unexpected that my Biodiversity module got an A+! I admit that this is one of the core module that I had the least interest in. Translation module was fun and I like Prof. Ho a lot.

This was the first time I had to stay up late the night before exams to finish studying and it would continue this way the next 4 years. I was worried about being a one-hit wonder (i.e. dean's list for only once, or for only 1 year) then.

Year 2:

The year when memorizing is the order of the day. Cell biology and metabolism. I remembered for cell biology, I was feeling that my brain is absorbing the info so slowly... Metabolism, I memorized all the pathways. Quite proud of it. But it was hazy then and I forgot almost everything now. 

Grace advised I switch combination from 2101+2102 in 1st sem to 2103+2104 in first sem. Think it was the right move. 4.7 + dean's list no. 3 in sem 1 and 4.8 + dean's list no. 4 in sem 2. Met Yin Ning and Wei San at Bioinfo group. Also took Immunology at Year 2 when it was a Year 3 module. Got A+ for it. Haha. Though I studied everything, I managed to predict a question correct and did extra reading. That helped quite a bit I think.

Got A for Year 2 stats module, in addition to the A for Year 1 stats module. A very big relieve since maths was one of my weaker subjects in earlier part of my life. Took another translation mod with Sis. Haha. My first B+. At least I took 1 module with her in school. I didn't bother to S/U it. B+ is not bad. Why S/U it?
Took dynamics of interpersonal effectiveness. I know communication is important and I am lacking there. So I took. Many people took because it was easy. BUT easy it was not. The concepts are rather easy to grasp and lectures seem redundant. However, the way to answer question is the tricky bit. I managed to grasp the way the lecturer think and got an A-which means I have much to learn about communications actually.

Perhaps the most important module in year 2: experimental cell and molecular biology. Luckily had Chuu Ling as TA again. Got to know Lin Hui, Jake, Hannah and Yvonne.

Year 3

Took UROPS with Prof. Chew. I was hesitating that time. Yi Lian was quite sure she wanted to take UROPS. I knew the value of a UROPS, but was fretting over meeting supervisors. Got to thank Yi Lian for this. Met Jiang Nan and Grace Koh, my mentor and senior for UROPS. It was quite a disappointing experience. For all my CAP, i realised I sucked big time at research. Most memorable event was getting shouted at by Prof. Chew at S2 Level 4 seminar room 1 for not interpreting results more cautiously. It was a good learning experience, though I felt I did not live up to expectations and let my mentor and seniors down. I was feeling so stressed up at the paediatric lab that I actually dreaded going over. I got an A though. It was not something I am proud of.

BUT besides research experience is that I got to know the GossipLane people. Those are the 1st people in my life who told me to go get a 1st class for them. Never has anyone said that to me - not even my parents. They are someone very special and important to me.

Yielded another B+ for Structural Biology, a core module! I knew it was a goner after the exams. Could not finish almost 40% of the questions! Felt my brain moved really really really slowly. First time I missed out on Dean's list in sem 1 (4.5) but managed to get in again in sem 2.

Sem 2 was more interesting. My fav module: infectious disease! Thanks Jung-Pu for her extra notes. Probably helped in getting my A+. Got 2nd highest for CA for Tumor biology (a year 4 mod). Quite surprised. Me, a year 3 student, actually got 2nd highest in the year 4 module.

Year 4

Chose to leave Prof. Chew's lab to do what I really wanted to do: Virology research!!! After a big turn, managed to work in Prof. Ng's lab. I chose Prof. Ng because 1) she is a full professor (better brand name?) 2) IT'S VIROLOGY. Started Project Final Fantasy - a codename for my FYP. I thought if i screwed this up again, I will have proven myself incapable of research. Good thing it did not "crash and burn". Haha.

It was a blast at the Lab. Loved my seniors at Prof. Ng's lab and Prof. Deng's lab. The hours were long. But somehow, the idea of working with viruses and the aim to get 1st class drove me. Seniors gave lots of advice as well. Gotta thank all those seniors lots.
An ugly B appeared for Toxicology. Must be because I mistook one Prof's answer for another. They were teaching similar topics. So I forgot to note who asked that question in the exam and happily wrote the wrong Prof's answer in. Oh well.

But I topped the class for Advanced Cell Biology! No prize though. Oh Oh! Not to forget. My FYP supervisor, who is also lecturer for this module used my name as the protagonist on one of her questions. It was weird trying to answer a question with my name on it. Haha. Protein engineering is definitely one of my favourite module. Loved the way how scientists can create novel proteins and loved my Zinc Finger Nuclease!!!

Between Functional Genomics and Genetic Medicine in Sem 2, I chose the latter. Kind of tired of only learning techniques and not other aspect of life sciences. I wasn't disappointed. I managed to learn more about genetic studies, something that was missed out in the curriculum thus far. Very amazed at the sequencing technology today and how great products can come out when we combine biology, chemistry, physics and engineering. The presentation was a gruelling one and up till year 4, I couldn't do Hardy-Weinberg question.
For FYP, I realised how bad I am at writing. But I think I did quite well for poster presentation. Was enjoying the interaction with my examiners.

Conclusion:

So after 4 years,

in terms of academic achievements, I obtained 6 dean's list (out of 8 possible), 20% of my grades were A+, did not use a single S/U, gained an award for being the top student of my concentration and a better appreciation of life science research AND I managed to live out my dreams of dabbling in life sciences for 4 years. Loved the subject!
In terms of friends, I am especially happy to have known GossipLane people, Jiang Nan, 2202 bench people, Yin Ning, Wei San, Jung Pu, Advanced Cell Biology people, everyone in Prof. Ng's and Prof. Deng's lab.
In terms of character, I am glad that I came out a more determined and driven person. Not necessarily smarter, but more willing to pursue something to the end.

It was a great time to have worked with everyone.
Still, academic achievement is but only one part of life. There is a lot that I have to learn and there are many many thing I can learn from others.

Growth Spurt

Not physical growth spurt of course. I am well past that growth spurt age. I am referring to mental growth spurt. 7 weeks going into new job, feels extremely green. Granted, my experience is in the labs and this is my 1st job. But I cannot help but feel I am not performing at all. So far, it is more of a learning thing. How to write good emails, do good presentations, understand working of the company, etc. Consistently, I realized one thing: I sucked at communicating. Well, it didn't seem that way in the past. But now, the problem shows up more acutely.

Another thing is that I need to slow down my thoughts. Last Tuesday, my mind sped way ahead of my tongue. Words came out gibberish. This is ridiculous!!! Never happened before. Lesson Learnt: Control Speed. Organize thoughts first. Speak s-l-o-w-e-r. Argh!!! Then just yesterday, I was too quick with my email. This person irritated and I replied back. Then regretted the way I phrase my email. Lesson learnt: Don't press "send" immediately. THINK FIRST!! 

If you think I am just going to weep over it and throw in the towel, you cannot be further from the truth. True, I dreaded going to work every morning. True, I kept hoping for weekend to come (something that I have never done before). True, I feel sad when educated by boss. BUT this is all part of becoming stronger.

In the past 2 years, I have gotten beyond the stage of being upset because of getting scolded. Now, I am more upset about why did I not done better/anticipated in the 1st place and NOT because of getting scolded. Anyway, "scold" is not a good word. I feel that a better word is "educate". With every "scolding", I get better, which is a good thing.

Right now, I cannot deny that my performance thus far has been disappointing. It used to be that I grasp concepts quite naturally. But now, things are quite complex to me. It used to be that I do not have to interact with many people (in fact, I probably could have survived by myself. But I will be extremely lonely). But now, I have to interact with many many many people.

All I have to say is, I should savour the learning experience. I have to and want to become stronger and better. This is actually the perfect position to do so. Somehow, this job forces me to face my weaker areas: approaching people, making phone calls, presenting ideas in a coherent way, infer impact of decisions etc. 

I AM SO NOT GIVING UP!!! 

Talk More

Need to start talking more. Recently, when GossipLane begin to discuss relationship problems, I went totally silent. Ok. Fine. Not only that. I was silent at a lot of other discussions.

I supposed I do not have the experience to contribute. So far, I have been focusing on reaching my goals that I overlooked many other things in life. Doesn't help that I have a powerful inner Sloth and Pride and so I tend not to be motivated to try new things for just a reason/purpose unless it is something I am very sure I can do well in. So a number of times, either I do not know what they are talking about or I do not fully understand the experience they had. Bad. I know. Playing catch up now is a major major task.

The other thing is you share a problem big time once or twice, I am fine. That is a way to find solutions. I would like to decide on a solution, execute it, see how it goes. After that once or twice discussion, everything is just a short update. Nothing major until the solution doesn't work. I try not to harp on the same thing too many times. Bores me, bores my friends. Some people apparently think otherwise. Seems like I need to see things differently from now on....

Now. Why I came to write this. I realized that with all the "barriers" that I put up, I know people more than they know me. Take GossipLane for example. I know addresses (where to get them), a bit of relationship history and certain likes and dislikes. They do not know anything about me before the day I met them. Almost nothing, besides the schools I attended and probably CCAs.

Too many barriers? Too many layers of information control? Apparently so. I do not want to reveal too much to "protect" myself. I like it when one of my colleagues say "All humans should be considered hostile unless proven otherwise". Then again, after 2 years, I have seen enough and trust GossipLane enough to let on more.

Let's see how thing "engagement" policy pan out. :)

Project NT-D

Since Project Final Fantasy ended, I have been struggling to find a new name for a while. I need something that will give a sense of power and grandeur, yet can also project a feeling of insanity and berserk. NT-D seems to be the best.

NewType Destroyer. Seems to fit my current situation. I am in a new environment, struggling to keep up. So I must develop a new set of skills - similar to how humans "evolve" into newtypes when they migrated into space. Destroyer is apt because I want to exceed myself. But this means that I am still stuck with "destruction" as main motivation, not "creation". So I have yet to address this problem.

How to speak properly, write proper email, proper minutes, proper report, explain things properly and coherently. All these have to learn!

Stop Thinking About This!

It has been a few years. Ok. Several years. Or maybe 13 years. When there is nothing occupying the brain, or when the brain encounters certain emotions it is not familiar with, a particular thought will come up - images of power, domination and destruction. Probably because I am engrossed in Japanese animation with these themes. It is true that I used them to drive myself. But recently, I am beginning to think perhaps I am taking these perceptions a little too far - so much so that it has actually become an innate part of me.

I used these images as fuel to drive myself to achieve my objectives and exceed my perceived limits. Of course, these are not the only I can utilize to fuel myself. But I think they are amongst the strongest. It is like people have their idols who they try to emulate. These images/characters are the ones I try to emulate. The upside is that since they are not real-life entities, it is impossible for their images to be corrupted by whatever scandals that could plague their human equivalents. The problem, I think, is that these images are now almost the first thing that come to my mind when I am not engaged in other mental tasks. The brain automatically switches from legitimate neural processes to bringing up these images, I would say, about 90% of the time. I am not psychologist/psychiatrist or even a neurologist. However, I instinctively realized that this cannot be good for my well being.

These images conjures feeling of battle, the desire to duel and the thrill of competition. This is useful when I am engaged in competitions. But outside of competitions, they made me feel that I am only adept at "dueling". Nothing else. That I am "destined" to "duel" to the end. Nothing else. Perhaps this is true. Then again, I am passed the age when I would naively believe in the messages I perceive from these animations-derived images.

I need to exert control over these thoughts. There is more to life than endless competitions. In any case, destruction and domination, by themselves, cannot bring any positive effect to anyone, to any society or to any world. Destruction and domination are just attempts at trying to simplify matters. They work well if your goals are well-defined and when there is a definite end point. But how can anyone destroy and dominate over everything? The actual force driving positive changes is the power to create and to cooperate. I feel that I am just beginning to understand this line of thought. At this point in time, destruction generates a stronger feeling in me compared to creation. A good thing is that domination and cooperation are at equal standing. I must continue to evolve my understanding.

Competitive or Inadequacies?

One thing I like about fb is that I get to know things people are doing (the word voyeur comes to mind). Yet, one thing I hate about fb is that I get to know things people are doing. Doing a double take? It is a love-hate relationship.

Why I hate to know what people are doing? THAT is a very good question. I think a large part is because I perceive them to be doing better than me, or are encroaching on my goals. Ridiculous I know. Absolutely ridiculous. Every person has their own path to take and taking different paths does not mean that one path is better than the other. Person A thriving in one path does not necessarily mean Person B, taking the same path, will achieve the same results. Therefore, it is simply ridiculous to try to compare. Worse is, I do not even know why I am comparing. Logic says, there is no basis for compare. Heart says, I am pathetic because I lost. Well, as usual, logic wins. But this tendency to compare could be due to my competitive nature. Competitions of certain kind makes my blood boil - they make me feel that I have truly come alive. To fight, to defend, to dominate or even to lose to a better opponent. Recently on newspaper, there is this article on perfectionists. According to the test, I am a perfectionist and someone seemingly in need to psychological help at that. Actually, I think the test is not that accurate. True, I concede that I am a perfectionist but so far, I have been able to regulate my perfectionist tendencies relatively well. But could perfectionism, which my competitive streak rises from, also bore profound inadequacies? Because of inadequacies, I strive to compete and to truly beat the competition, I need to be perfect. But the futility of trying to achieve perfection lead to inadequacies. So it is a vicious cycle. Could this be what is really happening?

On another note, there is this question which I also have no answer to. What does it feel like to really like someone. Drama series always portray love/like as willing to go the distance for someone, to continue to like someone even though that someone has betrayed you etc. But is this even realistic in real life? If you like someone, but then things do not go your way or things go wrong, does it mean that I am not really liking that person if I just try to forget about that happened instead of persisting? To one side of the argument, persistence may be a sign of true love. But to the other side of the argument, persistence is just pestering and a futile act. So which view is actually correct? Answer anyone?

Conclusion of Project Final Fantasy

It's been a while I can write an entry. During this period, Project Final Fantasy came to an end. It was enjoyable while it lasted. The chance to work with this class of organism is fantastic. Been reading about them for years. Finally got the opportunity to work with them up close. Never mind the tough work. It was simply exhilarating! AND, it helps that seniors are very very very nice. Nothing to complain about them at all. Learnt a lot from them. Not only stuff about work.

The task was named Project Final Fantasy because the company that produced the game Final Fantasy was in dire financial situation at certain point of time. Final Fantasy game was the last chance they had. It succeeded spectacularly. All gamers will know what Final Fantasy is. For me, initially, Project Final Fantasy was supposed to be the ultimate test of whether I am suited to continue with doing my work. After a horrendous year previously, this is my final chance. Good thing that I was able to eliminate most my errors and bad habits. Things were a lot better this time round (thanks to seniors as well). Well, but looks like I will be continuing my line of work. At least not in the next year. The decision was made based on risk assessment and financial considerations. Every time I heard friends moving into my line of work, I was ruing my missed opportunity. But oh well, there is bound to be trade-offs - costs of opportunities in economics lingo.

Honestly, when I first started on the job, I did not thought I would come so far. Competitors were strong and I have been out of practice for 3 years. On the contrary, my friends were more optimistic about my performance. Recently, I dug up a testimonial by my teacher 7 years ago. Somehow, she acutely sensed that I am a person who is very determined to achieve my goal and with an ability to grasp scientific concepts quickly. Somehow, that bore out. I am amazed at how this piece of writing 7 years ago actually came so close to predicting my current state.

Despite my performance, I can tell you that not every thing is about hardwork and talent. I think the formula for success goes like this: 70% hardwork, 10% luck, 10% knowing the people who can guide you to new height, 5% packaging yourself, 5% talent. So I think I am lucky to meet the right people (seniors and some good friends). And because of this, I am mindful that there are probably people who are as good as me, or better, but did not get the results they deserve because of certain circumstance. But as usual, there are people who ticked me off. No initiative to do work. Even when it is their own work and they know they are going to be graded according, though it is group work. I misjudged one such person and it backfired. I thought this person would be thorough in preparing the work. But no. My trust in this person backfired spectacularly. Some times, people like this make me wonder if I am really that far ahead of the pack and I expected too much from the rest. Or am I too naive and too trusting. In any case, this is a serious lesson to learn - never overestimate people and take things for granted.

Hates Crossroads

Got a reality check on Wednesday. Yes. I knew all along that I am severely lacking in basic knowledge of the field (Once upon a time, I was quite up to date. But after all the rush in doing work, I forgot most of the details). I guess for most people, they would be sad after that session. For me, it was more of shame than sad. True, it was a last minute work due to time constraints. But still, I felt I should have known these facts. Oh well. This is another part of growing up scientifically I guess.

I am constantly reminded of crossroads. What to do when the heart wants to choose a path which it likes, but which offers poor material and social rewards? Logic says to follow where the "bright future" is and stay away from research. "Bright future" offers promise of better working environment, potentially better pay and a much better social life. I think, so far, I have not shown myself to be capable of following this "bright future" path. I am not as interested in it compared to research. However, for all the material reasons and social reasons, it is a better path. Actually, I think social reasons are not that strong. After all, I do not intend to live to a ripe old age. Already, I detest my limits and these limits will only become more pronounced as one age. With this in mind, marriage is a very big question mark. I supposed marriage, for many people my age, is an important reason or is the only reason to socialize. I used to detest marriage, then come to desire it, and now have become rather apathetic to it. I simply cannot imagine going on a date (Yes. This is pathetic. But I think if I really try, I would not fare too badly. The problem is getting interested enough, or more importantly, confident enough to even try). 

To go straight to the point, I do not know whether trading something which I am relatively good at, but which offers poor returns (other than the right to proudly say I sacrificed for mankind [most people would think I am nuts]), for something that offers better returns but remains only a vision, a potential. Is going the "bright future path" but still ended up without a partner but with good pay worse or being stuck as a drone (albeit thinking drone), without a partner and poor pay and potentially some reputation better?

I can ask a hundred people for opinions. But ultimately, what really matters is what I think/want. Not what they think.

Mood Swings

Somehow, I am more prone to mood swings lately. Got it today after listening to this song from Unicorn's OST. Strange... Maybe it is because I have been bottling up quite a bit of emotions. Ah well. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow.

One more interesting observation of myself. Last week (I think it is last week. Short term memory do not function as well these days), senior told me VW passed by the lab. My heart suddenly dropped. First thought was "what is she doing here???". Second thought was a bit of a flash. I cannot really describe it. But I could vaguely feel "something". I think the same kind of feeling happened a few years ago. Another person called me asking how to get to my area. I was awaken from my nap to take the call. Interestingly (or may be it was false memory), I remember asking repeatedly if that person was coming. Turned out that it was about some other matter. Similar kind of feeling.

Like I said. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow. At least for now.

Regrets never having chance to work with some people

Suddenly regrets never having chance to work with some people... Shall name them here. In case I forget in future.... They are mentioned in no particular order though.

1) Cui Rong: Seemingly smart girl, with comparable CAP to boot. Although from polytechnic, but can sense she is a cut above the rest in what she does best. Would be interesting to see her performance up close.
2) Rebecca: Another one from polytechnic. This is a "problem" child. Always asking question. I stress again. ALWAYS. Wonder what kind of insights she would bring into a project. Some might think only the dumb ask questions. But it actually takes a certain amount of thought to be able to ask critical question. You will surely be amazed at the questions she can think of.
3) Terenze: An interesting guy to say the least. Interesting to watch how he handles stuff up close too.
4) Jung-Pu: Might appear average at first sight. But I think she is juggling too many things at one go. Should be fun to see glimpses of genius from her.
5) 2 guys from SPS: One look, and you know they are smart. It's been a long time since I felt constantly
"pressured" by people whose abilities, I think, far exceeds mine. In the past, I did not really like it, since I am usually on the losing end... But now, I actually hoping such people would show up. They need not be "invincible". Just need to be better than me most of the time.
6) Eileen: The one from CFT lab. Looks like a young PI and sounds like a young PI. Hearing how she   handles her project group makes me wonder how we would do together in a group. Too bad she is one year my senior.

Ok. That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Choices

To continue with what I am relatively good at, but with relatively poor future prospects or to venture into a new area which I am relatively weak in but with potentially better future? With choices come costs of opportunity. Sigh... Why can't the area I like be filled with good futures... I guess when it really comes down to survival, practicality triumphs idealism sometimes.

Sometimes, it is better not to make too many considerations and just take a plunge. Thinking too much will only bring out more fear. And when one is paralyzed by fear, one will not proceed forward - which is counter-productive (the purpose of making careful considerations is to reduce chance of making errors and so to move forward faster). That applies to work and other things...

Energy running low these days. Found that I have come to better understand my human limitations and hated it, nonetheless. Whatever. I will need to push myself for the final stretch. This will be, by far, the worst period of time in the 4 years. Then again, it will also the most exciting time.

231 total competitors. 23 direct competitors. Only 1 person I have to surpass - Myself.

Ramblings of the week

Today and yesterday was a mad rush. Yesterday was a rush to perform 3 immunology techniques. Today was a rush to perform second day procedures of 2 of them and to look after my millions of good friends. Oh oh! There was a module test in between as well. Very happening 2 days. Why? Because I want to attend another of Gossip Lane (GL) meetings. Haha. As much as I hate to admit, as much as I think I am different from them, I cannot bear not going (unless of course, going means severely threatening my academic survival). I think it has been some time since such a feeling occurred. Class outings has ceased for a number of years. I guess I am treating GL outings as a replacement for class outings. Except, I am the odd one out here. Well... you see, the rest are females.

In recent years, males increasingly bore me. Somehow, I have come to see them as competitors. A threat to be eliminated. A challenge to be surmounted. Certain females do fall into this group as well, though somehow, I tend to view them with less hostility. . Well... ok. I do differentiate between male friends and male "not-friends". I still get along well with male friends, though I have come to view male "not-friends" with increasing hostility. "Alpha-Male" syndrome? Perhaps.

Two things about GL that attracts me. 1) attractive females 2) unprecedented opportunity to learn more about female psyche (really! presents to give/not to give, dressing, how to handle romance issues. There is always something new to learn through their gossiping).

Seems like LTYS is really going after VW, though it appears VW is unmoved. I think LTYS's courage is commendable, considering his economic ability is rather... weak, given his qualifications. I believe LTYS can do much more. But I think, in his current status and known capabilities, he has a lot of room to improve (see? remember what I say about hostility?). I think he has the potential to do it. The question is whether he can realise this potential. The rest of GL gang is progressing well. Hope this is an upward trend for them all.

Somehow, I think I have always confused between when is it protective instinct at work and when is it that I like someone. Like for WQ, I think I knew from the start that it is protective instinct at play due to the circumstances. But for VW and MS, which is it really? I have no clue. Oh. Before I forget, I kind of feel strange at GL meetings. Somehow, I think they kind of forgot that there is a possibility that I might like one of them. It would be interesting to know if this is really the case or otherwise. If this is the case, then why is this so. Then again, I cannot ask directly. Knowing them, more guessing will come, meaning more troubles.

Ah. After this many lines about GL, time to shift focus to work. Work has been piling up. One of my modules appears to be totally beyond my grasp. Perhaps I have overestimated my capabilities. Good thing I do have life-lines that I can use to bail me out. But I think I have lost a lot of interest in modules. All I am interested in is Project Final Fantasy because it is the key to my class. That is not all. Project Final Fantasy is my hobby turned reality. It is also my avenue for redemption. For someone who has failed in 2 of 3 JC prelims exams and has continued the trend of being lousy at benchwork throughout most of his subsequent academic history, Project Final Fantasy presents a great leap in my abilities. From fumbling at first attempts to being able to do reasonably well from the start. From not knowing what problems to look out for to being able to decide how best to do an experiment. I think I have grown a lot in the past year. Must really thank my previous mentor and my current seniors for their help. I think when I am immersed in an environment with strong role models, I will also grow stronger faster. Yes. The competition is stiff. But strong competitors can bring me to the next level. However, despite my perceived improvements, I think Project Final Fantasy might end up like its namesake - that this could be my final project in science.

Drafts to submit. Tests to study. Presentations to prepare. All in a span of 8 weeks. Dare I say that this period is the true test of capabilities and determination for anyone. I think my competitors are slightly ahead of me. Therefore, I have to pull out my inner "hollow" to bolster my strength.

Put An End to Negativity

Been extremely negative for the past few weeks. Maybe it is the stress getting to me - from having to re-do experiments and tons of other work to do. I have gotten to the state which I can even fall asleep on the train while standing (and nearly falling down each time). Too many unknowns at work and too little time to iron them out. Oh well. I think the scope of my project is a little too wide anyway. From now on, I shall just do whatever I can and worry less. 5 weeks more to judgement.

Talked to VW again. Surprisingly bumped into her on my way to lunch. Somehow, I think we are on the same boat, just different stages. She has graduated, I am graduating. Both looking at post-graduating studies as a possible future. I have been advised multiple times not to jump straight into further studies but to take time to see the industry and, amid the rush for results, have become withdrawn from laboratory work. She has experienced one month of of a postgraduate student's life and was starting to feel the amount of uncertainty is a little too much for comfort. While I have can take a break from research without significant repercussion, she has to repay her scholarship if she wants out. Just mumbling this out since the decision is hers and I cannot help her much. I got experienced people to talk to her already. I guess the ball is in her court now.

Ah yes. Valentine's Day tomorrow. A dreadful day for me. Shall hide in laboratory and not go out unless necessary.

No Festive Mood

I am supposed to be full of festive mood this season. After all, this is the day the Earth starts another new revolution around the Sun and the new zodiac sign takes its position. Then again, I have absolutely no mood at all. Why? I do not really know. Maybe my mindset has aged 20 years ahead of my actual age. I feel like I am becoming a self-depreciating, yet self-righteous old uncle. Full of contradictions yes?

On the days I am supposed to enjoy the festive goodies and put on smiles when I go visiting, I found myself drowning in self-depreciating thoughts. I think I have BOTH inferiority complex AND superiority complex, depending on the situation. Wonderful! I do not think anyone can be more contradictory than me. Hah! (I apologize for my "not-so-sane"... words.)

Looks like it is true. Festive periods can do strange things to the minds. Good thing there is some paper work to keep me kind of occupied. Finally I get to have some "quality" time with my notes (With a little tinge of underlying sarcasm. But I do appreciate that I finally get some time to go over my notes.) They are the line that keeps me from thinking too far out.

Final Stretch to Project Final Fantasy

In a flash, I have less than 2 months to the conclusion of Project Final Fantasy. 3 years preparation for this finale initially seemed very long, but at this point, I wish it was a little longer. This final stretch seems tougher than any period in the previous 7 months. Looking at my datelines, I think I have to forgo many things in this period. Yes. If anyone asks "why do you work so hard?", I will just answer "because I need the grade". If anyone ask "why you want the grade?', I will just answer "for pride". This is true. So far, I did not notice any significant different between people of my class and people of a lower class. The only difference being the desire to come out tops and the speed at which we grasp concepts sometimes and how we organize concepts. Thus the strive for this higher class is just for pride and to a certain extent, for better salaries. As much as I wanted people to believe I am better than the rest, I think in reality, that is not always the case. To insist that I am the best would be mere hubris.

In terms of jobs/career, I am at a crossroad. One between familiar and novelty and between  finance and personal interest. I was offer a job at my current work place. Of course, that would not be a permanent one. I was hoping to get a job to last for one year, while I decide whether to pursue postgraduate studies. If I am apply for foreign univerisities, I would need GRE as well. It is said to be extremely tough and so I would need time to prepare for it anyway. Then, seniors have warned me about the gloomy further of PhDs. It seems like the boat has already left the coast for biomedical research. Low pay, high workload are rampant almost everywhere now. I think with more people getting PhDs, this trend is set to continue as supply of PhDs continue to outstrip demand.

Negative emotions are running high these days. "Dominate" seems to be a word that is constantly flashing across my mind. I guess, while harnessing the drive brought on by these emotions, I have to be wary not to succumb to them. These emotions are not the objectives of education - they are simply the drive to reach greater height, albeit not the positive way.

On another note, it is good that she has moved on. Saw her picture on fb with him. Hopefully this is a new beginning to a wonderful future. Haha. In case you are veering off onto the wrong track, no. There is nothing between us. It is just my "protective" instinct kicking in (Ok ok. And a bit of jealousy too). However, it does reminds me that no matter how I try to move away, I am still engage in a solitude battle.

2nd Week of Final Semester

Out of three modules, I kind of hated one and it happens to be the one which I cannot avoid. Looks like I have to face-off with my nemesis back from year 1 again. Did not managed to surmount the challenge then. Let's see how things go this time round.

I think I have taken my pedal off work. Not a good sign. This is the period when I really need to fire on all cylinders. And I really mean ALL. There is little time to waste. Yet I cannot stop myself from eating and sleeping, eating and sleeping on weekends.

Ah. Lastly, half the brain keeps thinking of strange scenarios with certain people and trying to second guess intentions. Inevitably, they all turn out to be almost impossible scenarios and ridiculous imaginations. I think I am growing crazier by the moment.

Quarter of a century

Walked the earth for a quarter of a century but sadly, not much contributions to people around me. I think I have never liked people remembering my personal details. I want people to remember what I have done, what I have been doing, what I will be doing. But not personal details. Strange, no? I do not know why either. Maybe it is because I do not want the feelings of disappointment when people forget.

Went out with Gossip Lane people again today. Realised the a lot of tactics guys used to hook up with girls are turning them off and break ups are often messy affairs that are very poorly managed. Also, it is very important to own a car and be able to drive one. 

Anyway, I do not have the time to be engaged in such things now (or so I psycho-ed myself to think). Work is the foremost priority, even though I may not get the rewards in the end. But at least I have put in the effort to fight for it. After all, I am a person who only knows how to "fight".

Must be crazy trying to win everything

Yup. Must be crazy. Trying to compare the incomparable is insane and frankly, just a waste of time (not to mention raising blood pressure and heightening the risk of cardiac infarction and stroke unnecessarily). Furthermore, some one somewhere will be stronger than you and even though you may be stronger in one aspect, others may be strong in another aspect. Therefore, this entire comparing thing is ridiculous. For example, income. Compare someone earning high pay but does not really like his job and some who likes his job but is getting average pay. Who is more successful? The victor and the loser shall depend on your definition of success, for which there is no fixed yardstick to measure.

But somehow, I just cannot stop doing it. Currently, it seems that if I have to define who I am, I would have to use comparisons of achievements (or lack thereof) and work. The endlessly making comparisons must be something inborn I think. Perhaps it is coded in my genome (assuming such characteristics are genetic in nature). These endless comparisons are making me a green monster (envy). I am getting tired of making comparisons because there will never be a true victor. However, competitions (which I have a realistic chance of winning strong rivals) always makes my blood boil with anticipation (I mean it!).

Oh well. In a world where almost everyone only cares about their interests, who turn their backs on the facts (or worse, trying to hide or twist the facts), who ignore the repercussions of their actions, being competitive yet remaining ethical in doing so is the least I can do. Still, I will try to rein in this competitive streak and channel it only for constructive purposes.

Must clear head

Recently thought about a lot of stuff. Important stuff, unimportant stuff, fantasies etc etc etc... I need to clear my head and focus on the task at hand. Forget about the fantasies. They are just that - fantasies. Unlikely to happen. Let things stay the way they are and see they go.

I need to regain my "powers" or evolve to the next level to succeed.