Stop Thinking About This!

It has been a few years. Ok. Several years. Or maybe 13 years. When there is nothing occupying the brain, or when the brain encounters certain emotions it is not familiar with, a particular thought will come up - images of power, domination and destruction. Probably because I am engrossed in Japanese animation with these themes. It is true that I used them to drive myself. But recently, I am beginning to think perhaps I am taking these perceptions a little too far - so much so that it has actually become an innate part of me.

I used these images as fuel to drive myself to achieve my objectives and exceed my perceived limits. Of course, these are not the only I can utilize to fuel myself. But I think they are amongst the strongest. It is like people have their idols who they try to emulate. These images/characters are the ones I try to emulate. The upside is that since they are not real-life entities, it is impossible for their images to be corrupted by whatever scandals that could plague their human equivalents. The problem, I think, is that these images are now almost the first thing that come to my mind when I am not engaged in other mental tasks. The brain automatically switches from legitimate neural processes to bringing up these images, I would say, about 90% of the time. I am not psychologist/psychiatrist or even a neurologist. However, I instinctively realized that this cannot be good for my well being.

These images conjures feeling of battle, the desire to duel and the thrill of competition. This is useful when I am engaged in competitions. But outside of competitions, they made me feel that I am only adept at "dueling". Nothing else. That I am "destined" to "duel" to the end. Nothing else. Perhaps this is true. Then again, I am passed the age when I would naively believe in the messages I perceive from these animations-derived images.

I need to exert control over these thoughts. There is more to life than endless competitions. In any case, destruction and domination, by themselves, cannot bring any positive effect to anyone, to any society or to any world. Destruction and domination are just attempts at trying to simplify matters. They work well if your goals are well-defined and when there is a definite end point. But how can anyone destroy and dominate over everything? The actual force driving positive changes is the power to create and to cooperate. I feel that I am just beginning to understand this line of thought. At this point in time, destruction generates a stronger feeling in me compared to creation. A good thing is that domination and cooperation are at equal standing. I must continue to evolve my understanding.

Competitive or Inadequacies?

One thing I like about fb is that I get to know things people are doing (the word voyeur comes to mind). Yet, one thing I hate about fb is that I get to know things people are doing. Doing a double take? It is a love-hate relationship.

Why I hate to know what people are doing? THAT is a very good question. I think a large part is because I perceive them to be doing better than me, or are encroaching on my goals. Ridiculous I know. Absolutely ridiculous. Every person has their own path to take and taking different paths does not mean that one path is better than the other. Person A thriving in one path does not necessarily mean Person B, taking the same path, will achieve the same results. Therefore, it is simply ridiculous to try to compare. Worse is, I do not even know why I am comparing. Logic says, there is no basis for compare. Heart says, I am pathetic because I lost. Well, as usual, logic wins. But this tendency to compare could be due to my competitive nature. Competitions of certain kind makes my blood boil - they make me feel that I have truly come alive. To fight, to defend, to dominate or even to lose to a better opponent. Recently on newspaper, there is this article on perfectionists. According to the test, I am a perfectionist and someone seemingly in need to psychological help at that. Actually, I think the test is not that accurate. True, I concede that I am a perfectionist but so far, I have been able to regulate my perfectionist tendencies relatively well. But could perfectionism, which my competitive streak rises from, also bore profound inadequacies? Because of inadequacies, I strive to compete and to truly beat the competition, I need to be perfect. But the futility of trying to achieve perfection lead to inadequacies. So it is a vicious cycle. Could this be what is really happening?

On another note, there is this question which I also have no answer to. What does it feel like to really like someone. Drama series always portray love/like as willing to go the distance for someone, to continue to like someone even though that someone has betrayed you etc. But is this even realistic in real life? If you like someone, but then things do not go your way or things go wrong, does it mean that I am not really liking that person if I just try to forget about that happened instead of persisting? To one side of the argument, persistence may be a sign of true love. But to the other side of the argument, persistence is just pestering and a futile act. So which view is actually correct? Answer anyone?