Missed Commencement 2010

Alright, it is not my commencement. However, there are a number of good friends graduating. Unfortunately (or fortunately as you will be told later), I missed the occasion. A mistake on experiment planning saw that I am at home when the Commencement is ongoing. So I did not get to see in person the people in "Gossip Lane" or those good friends wearing their graduating gowns (or whatever those are called).

Why do I say it is fortunate? For one, it made me think less of the horrid year that is going to come. Horrid in the sense that I will have endless datelines and short sleeping hours (never mind an increase in body weight that makes me feel... sluggish). But it is in the coming year that I will get the opportunity to grow and prove myself. These people have been through the tough times (even for those who did not move into their fourth year). I have to admire them for their resilience (then again, they [like me] do not much of a choice...).

Another reason why I think it is fortunate is because I am poor at mixing around. Therefore, by not going, I save myself the embarrassment of being the odd thumb sticking out. At times like these (if it is my commencement), I will probably be turning on my "retrospective mode" and feel sad (instead of happy) that I am finishing all this.

OK. Enough of thinking about all this. Back to work! Back to work!

Project Final Fantasy Update 4

This is 4.5 week. It has been a busy week. Finally did some real work. Not much work though.

1. 
   
   Contamination problem appears to be solved.
2. 
   
   Bradford working normally.
3. 
   
   Finally started on biochemical C assay. Initially, reading was over the scale. After some dilution, it went within scale. Good. BUT the results are a little strange and needs repeating. Also, I need to perform C-only analysis also next week. The assay itself is relatively short. The problem lies with the preparation. Very tedious stuff of standardizing biochemical P and lots of diluting. I used up boxes of pipette tips very quickly. Co-workers jokingly said I ate tips for lunch.
4. 
   
   Aliquoted samples and stored at -80 deg.
5. 
   
   Was asked questions by safety inspectors. Did OK. Except I need to state I will inform others about the spill before I proceed to clean up.

On the other hand, I have made very little progress on reading. Too tired to read when I got home. The only time I managed to read is on the way to school. At least I got tomorrow free. Tomorrow have to do some serious reading.

On the conference side, I have submitted the abstract. I truly appreciate the confidence my supervisors have in me. Must not let them down (what happened the last year is a real motivation not to repeat my mistakes). Looks like I am in for a rough ride the next 5 months. My limits will be stretched to the maximum.

Speaking of limits, to a certain extent, I think I have overcome my previous limits (OK, except for the occasional carelessness - like slotting the wrong filter into the plate reader and getting the thing stuck). But in terms of thinking when doing work, I think I have made a bit of progress (there is a lot more to learn though). Well, having no mentor helps in a way. I need to think on my own. People will get sick if you ask too many dumb questions. The one-year experience really helps a lot, in terms of mental strength, practical and organization skills. Lots of thanks to JN and KSG.

Amendment (10th July 2010): I just realized a problem with the assay. The standardization does not allow comparison between separate experiments, although it works within an experiment. I need to use a new method.

Clarification

Ok. After re-reading the previous post myself, I realised may be I might mislead people. "Shame" does not mean someone made my life difficult. Rather, I made someone's life difficult. Actually, it is more than one person. At least 2. I am not very sure about the third one.

Just met one of the two on my way home. The one that said seeing the sun still up when the train goes out of the tunnel made her feel happy. Do not get me wrong. She is a co-worker. Actually, we met prior. It is pure coincidence we ended up doing working at the same place. After many failures at work, I stopped talking to her. Well, to begin with, I am not much of a conversationalist (I prefer to listen and absorb information. I can remember certain minute details of friends.) But I totally stopped talking to her. Except to ask question. Very poor communication skills I admit. At that time, I felt I had no "face" to talk to anyone, not just to her. How could I when I did not produce anything of value, yet everyone thought I was producing something and everyone had relatively high expectations of me. Rather than being haughty, this is more of a "silence due to guilt" thing. It seems like I am making poor excuses for my past deeds now. But this is the truth. This episode is one of my greatest regret in life so far. Currently the biggest one staring at me.

Speaking of regrets, there is the primary school error of selecting an all-boys group for certain competition. No doubt there are a number of outstanding girls. However, my judgement was skewed by my aversion to girls back then. Silly mistake. If I had made the right decision then, I am fairly sure we would have progressed beyond the first round.

Third regret is my childhood reluctance to learn two things. One beginning with c (7-letter word) and the other beginning with s (8-letter word). Why did I not take the chance, I do not know, especially the one beginning with s. Too introverted and too short-sighted (metaphorically speaking, though true literally as well) perhaps.

Fourth regret is following my heart (does not apply exclusively to romance). Usually lead to something awful. It has been proven. The heart cannot be trusted. True, the heart prevents the brain from executing cold calculating moves. Unfortunately, it does a very poor job of protecting my interests in the face of obvious threats. Only by combining the output of the heart and brain in a balanced manner can a person truly function effectively.

Deja Vu

It seems the nightmare of previous year is repeating itself again. Among my friends, I think it entered a better lab, got myself an exploratory project (with good prospect of publishing) and surrounded by nice people. AND like previous year, my mentor/supervisors thought too highly of me and suggest I put up an abstract, and subsequently a poster, for a conference. 

Do I have the words "Please please please send me to conference" on written on my face? What do they see in me anyway? So far, I have not shown any result nor any glimpses of any brilliance. Heck, I cannot even do a simple Bradford assay (although that appears to be solved now). Sometimes, I wonder why can't I do my projects like normal people. Do project, write thesis, submit, the end. Why must I be sucked into these risky "all or nothing" games? Somehow, I must be embroiled in some additional activity that is beyond my level (my perceived level).

On the bright side, if I can pull this off, I can wipe clean the shame of previous year. Yes. This is a very big motivation. Never mind it will look good on my curriculum vitae. I should be glad that I got entangled in this again. This means that I can put myself through similar challenges and see if I come out tops this time. Besides, even if I did not come out tops (but hopefully not bottoms either), then I would have an edge over my peers. Yes. Yes. I feel better when I see it in this light now. Statistics, however, does not favour my quest at this point of time. This will be a very trying time.

Right. I sound like a vengeful maniac. Like a Saiyan. This analogy is very accurate. But only when it comes to work. Other than that, I am alright. Perhaps I will become more normal when I feel I am on par with my "rivals" or when I am other things/people to concern myself with other than work.

King and Horse Finally Have the Same Goal

King = Good me. Horse = evil me. Both finally and truly agree to work together. This has been long overdue (3 years or longer now). I took the King and Horse analogy from a certain Japanese animation/manga and a column by a certain Gary Hayden. King symbolizes the "good" part of a person (hardworking, altruistic etc etc etc). Horse represents the "primal" part of a person (lust, greed, sloth etc etc etc). According to the Japanese animation, if the King is weak, he will be taken over by the Horse and vice versa. But finally they agreed to work together against a common threat. FINALLY!!!

There is a drawback however. It seems that wrath has come in faster and more intense than before. Looks like I have to keep my temper in check before it boils over. Scary scary...