Hates Crossroads

Got a reality check on Wednesday. Yes. I knew all along that I am severely lacking in basic knowledge of the field (Once upon a time, I was quite up to date. But after all the rush in doing work, I forgot most of the details). I guess for most people, they would be sad after that session. For me, it was more of shame than sad. True, it was a last minute work due to time constraints. But still, I felt I should have known these facts. Oh well. This is another part of growing up scientifically I guess.

I am constantly reminded of crossroads. What to do when the heart wants to choose a path which it likes, but which offers poor material and social rewards? Logic says to follow where the "bright future" is and stay away from research. "Bright future" offers promise of better working environment, potentially better pay and a much better social life. I think, so far, I have not shown myself to be capable of following this "bright future" path. I am not as interested in it compared to research. However, for all the material reasons and social reasons, it is a better path. Actually, I think social reasons are not that strong. After all, I do not intend to live to a ripe old age. Already, I detest my limits and these limits will only become more pronounced as one age. With this in mind, marriage is a very big question mark. I supposed marriage, for many people my age, is an important reason or is the only reason to socialize. I used to detest marriage, then come to desire it, and now have become rather apathetic to it. I simply cannot imagine going on a date (Yes. This is pathetic. But I think if I really try, I would not fare too badly. The problem is getting interested enough, or more importantly, confident enough to even try). 

To go straight to the point, I do not know whether trading something which I am relatively good at, but which offers poor returns (other than the right to proudly say I sacrificed for mankind [most people would think I am nuts]), for something that offers better returns but remains only a vision, a potential. Is going the "bright future path" but still ended up without a partner but with good pay worse or being stuck as a drone (albeit thinking drone), without a partner and poor pay and potentially some reputation better?

I can ask a hundred people for opinions. But ultimately, what really matters is what I think/want. Not what they think.