This letter, by the Ministry of Health, is to inform readers that they will be placed under the Human Organ Transplant Act (HOTA) upon reaching 21 years old.
One of the strong points of this letter is that it employs the AIDA formula (textbook pg 83-84) rather well. The letter opens with a congratulatory paragraph, which captures and sustains the attention of the reader. HOTA is then introduced to the readers and readers are told of the help they can offer to patients, before details of opting-in or out are given to them. This sequence of paragraphing will create a positive impression of HOTA on the readers. All necessary details (Completeness) are also clearly provided should readers want to opt-in or out in paragraphs 5 and 6, with the consequences coherently presented in the respective paragraphs (Clarity). The letter ended by thanking the reader, showing courtesy to the reader (Courtesy).
However, there are several areas which can be improved. Firstly, the phrases, “the purpose of” and “those who are” in paragraph 3, can be omitted as they are redundant. Next, certain paragraphing needs amendments. The age-bracket is mentioned in paragraphs 2 and 3. This appears repetitive. I suggest stating that the readers are in HOTA in paragraph 2 and mention about the age-bracket only in paragraph 3 where HOTA is explained. In addition, that the readers will be given higher priority when receiving transplants should they remain on HOTA should be stated in paragraph 3 to appeal readers to stay on. Besides these, the sentence highlighted in paragraph 5 lacks tact. Instead, the letter can simply reiterate the priority given to those on HOTA. The phrase “have your organs removed after death” in paragraph 6 conveys the chilling prospect of doctors cutting open bodies to extract the organs. I suggest changing the phrase to “donate your organs after death”.
