Reflecing 2010

4 days till the end of A.D. 2010. Since I have a little bit of time, let's get this down now. Let's say 2010 did not start out well. Project in limbo and relatively weak performance in academics the previous half a year - a B+ in a core module. In short, it was a reality check and put paid to my suspicion that I needed one. Although I do not like that state, but it was a good growing up process. Getting shouted at because of poor work and rushing out reports last minute. Non-optimal examination schedule where I had 3 exams in 3 days and a super duper memory-intensive one in the middle. I think I did well for the first half of 2010. Or I was lucky. Could be both. Academic performance was restored. I had a good mentor and senior who helped me a lot (have to really thank them). A bunch of good and fun friends in the laboratory (Gossip Lane people).

After than half year, I found myself another project. This time, working on my favourite subject. The co-supervisor's lab is really nice (at least from my viewpoint) - good science, good people to give advice... although I have no mentor (it is a good thing I have prior experience in this line of work so I am not that lost) and no one seems to know exactly what I am doing, it still feels great to be able to think like a researcher. After the major goofing up the previous time, I am glad I corrected myself of most things which I erred prior. Yeah, the hours are long (think 12,13,14 hours a day, 7 days a week for long stretches), it is quite fun.

Although the primary goal is to do well, this project is no longer just an academic exercise. It has evolved as well to a personal quest. Maybe that is partly why the crazy working hours does not feel that bad (though it is bad. I felt I have reached my tolerable limit today and my brain is breaking down). My main supervisor has been very supportive as well. I got an opportunity to present a poster on my work at an international conference as well. Perhaps it is the nature of the conference. Most people does not really care about posters though.

I consider myself to be in an optimal, or close to optimal condition, but with a tough research objective. It like trying to climb a daunting mountain with no clear path, bringing excellent gears. Except my climbing skills are not great at the moment. I hope my desire to win can see me through. Never has this craving been so strong. Perhaps this is because 1) it is my favourite subject 2) the huge reward at stake 3)  the need to redeem for my past mistake.

Things went kind of went downhill in the other academic area again. I was told I topped in one module. But I got a B in another. B! lowest grade so far! Oh well. I guess no one can win everything and I just have to put in more effort or choose something which I have more interest in. Then again, it reflects well on the strength of the cohort. If I keep doing well, it could mean that 1) I am good 2) the cohort is weak. Sometimes, getting beaten by others simply means that we are competing against strong opponents and that is a good thing. So far, I found myself getting stronger when working with people above my level. Then again, it is too bad I had no opportunity (or have let slipped such chances) to work with peers who are consistently stronger than me. That was the case in secondary school. I miss those days.

Ah yes. There is the "presentation got cut off midway" episode. Groups before mine exceeded their time limit and we got the shorter end of the stick. Somehow, I felt that it was extremely unfair and went to see the lecturer (although the lecturer said there was no need to and that he would grade us fairly). Still, I went straight to see him. It felt good when he agreed that we present to him the remaining portions. But the important thing is, I grew a backbone! Haha. At the same time, I realised I have little tolerance for sloppy work (I am trying hard not to produce any sloppy work myself) and a short fuse to boot. It is tough being a lazy perfectionist. I am intrinsically lazy but also a perfectionist (or almost one). The latter has usually kept me away from the former.

On the social front, I finally signed up to facebook. Forgive me for not revealing the reason behind this. It might cause misunderstanding which I am trying to avoid. Speaking of stuff I am trying to avoid, there is this friend of 11 years, accusing me of doing things I have been trying to avoid. This friend has always been the one trying to stir something up. I mounted a verbal assault this time (of the cynical and sarcastic kind. Not the vulgar type. But no less potent). Guess we will not be speaking to each other for quite some time. Guess I "hit" him a little too hard. No more infinitely tolerating nonsense. Hit me hard, and I will bite back. Of course, that depends on a number of criteria and in general, I consider myself to be a more accommodating and rational person.

There is also the recent episode where I almost confused liking a person and sympathy/empathy again. It seems to be my nature to blur the lines, though I am gradually learning to differentiate the two. It has been 5 years since I racked my brains to buy a present too. Glad that this time, it goes well. Self-made icosahedral box encasing the present. Yeah... it was kind of rough. But this way, everyone can see that it is really hand-made, no?

I just remembered an important part. Two actually. Cats. There are two cats near my lab. Somehow, always hungry. Then again, how are we supposed to know how much to feed. Feed too little, they are always hungry. Feed to much, the leftovers will attract too many ants. Troublesome critters I would say. Sometimes, I feel sad for them being unable to find their own food and have to depend on others. I hate to depend on others at work. Yes. I have many different sides. The "at-work" me is different in some ways from the "off-work" me.

Post No.: Triple One

There is a fine line between working hard and working stupid.

I think I am more of the latter at the moment.

No Christmas this year

Christmas will probably be spent working. Oh well, this chance to work comes only once while Christmas comes every year. Then again, because of work, I have been neglecting family. Fine. I am not that close to them in the first place. But I am not insensitive to their feelings about my being constantly away.

Results are not good this semester with the lowest grade ever appearing. Of course I am sad. Then again, if I keep getting As, then it means the rest of the cohort are weak and it would be no fun right? This is a reminder of my vulnerability (my "mortality" I would like to say) and a chance to fight rather than defend.

On the social side, it is good that I have not mistook sympathy and empathy with something else. Good job Brain. It seems better to just be around that to be attached to anyone. Yes... It can be kind of "lonely" at times. But hey, I can't have my cake and eat it at the same time.

Forget about festivals

Behind time in work. Need to forget all about festivals. Think only about work.

Got Beaten. Sort of.

Got beaten. An ugly B appeared. Oh well. No question about it. Revenge is on the cards. Looks like the BMS batch iseems to be quite strong. I have to perform at my true level or exceed my level to beat them. Things have just gotten interesting. Not only do I have to beat them, I have to beat myself as well - to grow further and further exceed my limits.

Things have gotten really interesting. Time to put on a real fight. The Final War begins!

Too much Korean drama

I think I watched too much Korean drama in recent times. Of course I do not have the time to catch all of them and only was able to catch certain episodes of certain dramas due to work. Then again, the effect has already manifested itself.

Imagine this: Girl breaks up and is feeling very sad. Guy has positive feelings towards Girl (though not yet the love kind). Guy sees this chance. Guy tries to ask Girl out to try to get Girl out of misery, on the pretext of being friends (or bogus boyfriend etc), but is really hoping to become an item later.

Of course, in dramas, that would probably work out. But this is real life. See? Brain completely gone bonkers for a few minutes. Seniors say can try also. But then I think trying it this way will not work. Attempting such things when someone is down and might not be able to think rationally is a good strategy to start the ball rolling I agree. Question is what happens when the person becomes rational again. Will it last? I do not think so...

People I want to beat

Not physically beating them of course. But surpassing them in terms of results. In fact, to thrash or crush them would be more satisfying. It is not that they have overtly offended me or anything. But somehow, I feel this intrinsic dislike for them. There is no explanation. Just intrinsic dislike. Or was it pride at play?

I will strive to beat them through legitimate means of course (I do not do sabotage). I can sense that they are relatively strong. Then again, it will make beating them much much more satisfying.

Fishing?

No matter how I look at it, no matter how I try to justify, I seem to be trying to cast a wide "net" to increase chance. There are several possibilities. Then again, several seems a little too many, especially for the conservatives. Trying for too many will get me no where.

I think it is not fair to compare them, since every one is different. Then again, how do I even begin choose one when I cannot compare and every one gives the same feeling? Or is this just a passing phase? Many questions, no answers.

Coincidence

Gossip Lane Christmas Dinner today. It was good to see that girl recovering well emotionally from that "incident". Ok... It was a Japanese restaurant and no Christmas dishes. Still, it was a Christmas dinner. Left work at 1747 for dinner, came back at 2200 to resume work. Strangely, I actually felt good, despite the hassle of going out and coming back (think of the peak hour crowd and all).

Gift exchange was on the cards. However, I had to miss out (Work. Of course.). For the gift, I spent the day before scouring 3 shopping malls for 1.5 hours. There was actually another Christmas BBQ 2 weeks ago with my secondary school CCA people. I did not get any gift because it was too rushed. I kind of felt bad not to have put in more effort then. Actually, I found the gift at the very first shop but decided to look around some more. The moment I saw it, somehow, the image of one of the girls wearing them flashed past (Earphones. Not some strange stuff). Ok. I associate things and ideas with images or people I am familiar with. So this was one such occasion again. In the end, she really got it. One out of 5 or 6 chances.

Remembering Why I Need to Work Hard(er)

1. To prove I earned my class and is a class above the rest.
2. To prove my ability is not restricted to the theory.
3. To repay the encouragements from my supervisors, seniors and important friends.
4. To redeem myself from the poor performance last year (perhaps the most important reason).

Yes. Now is the time to go all out. Hold nothing back.

Split second wish for a shotgun

Yes. For a split second, I wished for a shotgun.

It happened like this: The time is about 2245. I finally finished work. Not a very good day though. Been at it since 1000 (on a SUNDAY). Weekends are actually not too bad... just that I think I hit my limits. So I was ready to rush to catch the bus. I opened the door. That was when it appeared.

Patches of black and white. Four legs. Claws. Yellow eyes. Long tail. Measuring... well.... 50cm? It is a feline. Ok. I am not too fond of animals. Watching them on TV and in the zoo is fine. But I would avoid animals if I can. Too troublesome I thought. I don't know what it is trying to say, it doesn't know what I am trying to say... etc etc etc. What's more, who knows what other organisms are hitching a ride on these animals that are perceived to be cute? Must be hungry again I thought - it didn't appear during dinner time. They are always hungry. I went back to get food. Then I turned and saw IT inside the room. BUT IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE ROOM!

Perhaps it is because I have been watching Resident Evil 4 walkthrough the past few days. My first thought was: Where's my shotgun? If this was a game and IT is the antagonist, I would not have hesitated to shoot it right away. Good riddance to a pest I would have thought. But my brain returned to real-life. Shotgun? I would be arrested for having weapon. Shooting at animal? That is breaking another law. Besides, IT is just a feline. Not some monster.

Ok. IT is in the room. What do I do? Trying to catching IT means running risk of getting clawed or bitten. Not good, considering I have pressing work to do in the future. I tried to lure it out. IT actually snarled at me and, let's say, took defensive manoeuvre - IT probably thinks the room has an endless stash of food  (or something to that end). Never did IT expect that not only there is no food, it cannot get out. First few attempts to lure it out did not quite work because the door did not cooperate and IT was very agitated.

Finally I got the door to open and IT dashed out. Stupidly, I went out too and the door closed behind me. The door is controlled by an access pass and I left mine in the room. Well done. What now?

At least I still can make my way home. That is what I did.

I supposed I cannot blame IT. How is IT supposed to know? If you ask me, yes. I was quite furious at that time. It was late. I spent my weekend at work. Then IT has to come "rub salt into my wound". Ok. Next time, I am going to watch the door closely.  I will avoid going that direction for the next few days. Not because I am afraid of IT. Let's just say I am tired of playing nice.

The Lust is Back

The lust to see proper work done that is. Finally got a little bit of urgency back. Was lapsing into holiday mood after the exams. Just realised I am left with only 3 more months. Got to step up the pace.

On Wednesday, supervisor talked to me about my plans after my project. She is reluctant to take in any more student because she feels like retiring. But she did recommend me to another PI. It feels nice to be recognised by someone who have seen a lot. Then again, despite what others have said, I do acutely know that I have yet to become the completed product (no one can be a completed product because there is always new things to learn).  

Need to buy new shoes and trousers. It's a pain when the basic things that I have taken for granted falls apart or needed an effort to maintain/replenish.

Looks like I got to do something on the social front. Getting "scooped"... Then again, I deserved it... Too reserved and too focused on work to see the world around me.

Brain Block

Suffered from brain block while writing Introduction today. There is too much information and I am having trouble trying to put them together to achieve a good flow of ideas. I think I need to get a 1,2 day break. Need to do some reading to come up with a good Introduction, buy some clothes and a pair of new shoes (old ones are coming apart).

Better not go into holiday mood. But there are still a number of people I want to meet (some of them quite desperately)...

12th Western Pacific Congress on Chemotherapy and Infectious Diseases

That was today at Shangri-la hotel. Good thing I went yesterday to scout the place. Or else I would be very late today. The first time I went there was for buffet lunch with the lab at The Line. Very good food. Today, I went there thinking my head will be chopped.

My senior got the Young Investigator Award. Out of over 300 individuals who applied, only 2 were chosen. It is good to be in such good labs. There are a lot of things I can learn. Pretty amazed that I actually had a poster to present, despite being abit short on data. There were more people who stopped by to look and read my poster immediately after I put it up than at the actual poster session. Haha. So my head was not chopped at all. Phew. Many thanks to seniors from both laboratories and my 2 supervisors.

Met 3 people that interest me at the conference. First is the head of Communicable Disease Center. In the past, I only saw her on TV and on newspapers. I actually saw her in person today. My recent goal is to work in CDC. Looks like my boss has some connections there - they are in the same project. May be there is a little bit of chance I can get to work in CDC?

Second is a girl whom I had communicated via email, but not seen in person. She is a PhD student, writing up her thesis now. I consulted her on certain technical stuff. Now that I met her, quite pretty actually. I always wonder why some people can have both good looks and good brains while most of us are stuck with lopsided attributes.

Third is another girl (Yes. Guys do not interest me socially. But there are guys that I admire at work. I admire all the PhD students in my labs. All very capable. Hope I will grow to be like them). Without her, I probably would not have gotten an A+. That time, I was rushing to do experiments, thus missed quite a few lectures. Without her lending me her notes, I most probably would not get an A+. She is also pretty and smart. But... I think she was too busy. She worked at Science Center as a guide. But then because of all these distractions, she did not do so well and could not to go on with the fourth year. I think it is quite sad actually. There are people who just studied and scored in exams without really understanding and without passion for science. They got to fourth year. But decided not to proceed because they did not like science. Rationally, these people should not be blamed for halting the advances of others, like this third girl. But irrationally, I think they are wasting not only their own time, but the chances of others - why bother to work so hard, then give up in the end, when there are people who genuinely want it but got outcompeted by you people because they have other commitments. Like I said, these are irrational thought. Who knows, she might have better opportunities awaiting her. I think she is very sound in terms of technical skills and above average in terms of ability to grasp theory. Hope she will go far in future. Well, if I know of a suitable opening in future, I will definitely recommend her. She is someone I will want to work with and not give my heart attack, unlike some others.

Final War Part I Over

Finished final year part 1. Practically worked at near my maximum capacity for the entire period. Compared to the previous year, when I was languishing in deep, deep pit of no where, this year is better. Of course, there is still much, much, much more room for improvements. But as far as amount of work put in is concerned, I can say I have do not much regrets over lost days.

The brain seems to work better this time too. Compared to the sluggish crawl of the previous year, the brain is almost on hyper mode this semester. Though I am not sure of the outcome, in terms on on-the-spot performance, it feels good to be back to the usual.

After this "Final War Part I", I acutely felt the sense of emptiness. More so than previous 6 periods. No one to go out and "celebrate" with. Either they are still having exams, or need to resume work, or they are occupied with their own close friends. NEED TO GO OUT!!! With Doctor, with Gossip Lane people, with AHS people at least.

Then again, I do not really have the time to "celebrate". There is a conference poster to prepare. Yes. This situation is similar to that of last year. That is why I see this as a chance for redemption. To show that I can surmount this obstacle that I previously did not do so well.

Let the "fun" Final War Part II begin!

Testimonials

Finally. Someone realised that certain testimonials are written by students themselves and vetted by their teachers. How they took so long to acknowledge this is beyond me. Certain institutions remained insistent that testimonials are wholly written by their teachers.

For one thing, how can a teacher remember so much details of each and every students. A typical class has at least 25 students. Each student takes at least 4 subjects and has at least 1 CCA. How can a teacher remembers what every and each student did? A teacher has other classes to teach as well.

There is nothing wrong with students writing testimonials for themselves, provided there are processes for verifying the accuracy of their work. If teachers are forced to write testimonials, I believe the typical strategy will be to trawl the school's database, find out achievements and then write these in, along with some generic phrases that inevitably put all students in a good light. What is the difference then? If you recall your student life, a teacher typically gets along more frequently with a handful of students. Testimonials for these students would be more accurate. As for the rest....

If you totally believe the accuracy of testimonials, then I believe you are shortchanging yourself. Just look at all those testimonials for commercial products. Do you really believe them? Perhaps some are true. But if testimonials are really so accurate, why do companies bother to conduct costly human clinical trials and why bosses need to conduct interviews? Testimonials probably reflect the capability of the person accurately. But subtle traits such as their characters, their ability to communicate with others, to work with others for examples, do not get a proper airing. It is easy to "pretend" in front of bosses. After all, they do not stand behind you to observe you the entire day. Further more, schools rarely carry out peer appraisals for students.

Just like those short term toxicity tests, interviews are short term tests, providing some information on candidates, but not the complete picture. With lessons that coaches interview skills, it is even more difficult to discern true behaviours from "prepared responses".

However, given the lack of suitable mode of assessing candidates besides interviews and testimonials, we have to live with them for now. Then again, it is likely that neither offers an entirely accurate picture of a candidate. Interviews fare slightly better because you can further question the candidates to reveal their true (or "true-er") nature,

One-dimensional Being

Suddenly felt that in one aspect, I am similar to Margera Wonderweiss - the Arrancar which has his ability to think, speak and et cetera, removed by his creator to boost his power. I am one-dimensional too, though probably of my own volition.

Besides academic tasks, I do not consider myself really that competent in any thing else. Actually, I do not think it is so much of me sacrificing too many things for academic pursuits. Rather, it is my reluctance to explore new grounds and my hatred for failure that has impeded me. That has changed now, however (at least this is moving somewhere).

To achieve a high level of competence in something, unless you are extremely talented, requires a lot of time. Therefore, in order to rise above the others in at least one field, I have to put in more effort. If you plot a graph with the amount of work done on the x-axis and the results obtain on the y-axis, you would probably get a graph that increases rapidly at the start, then the gradient would start to decrease and finally plateau. Similar to the graph of rate of enzymatic activity against substrate concentration. Thus if you want to attain a higher level of achievement, you probably have to put in a lot more effort than others. Some people would think hard work is proportional to achievement. But most of the time, they do not have a linear relationship like many would think.

I think for those who are "not-so-talented", the drive for perfection is necessary to excel. That is both a boon and a curse, unfortunately. Unless one is able to regulate this drive for perfection, one will always be a one-dimensional being.

I have all/most of the armaments. But am I able to wield them skilfully?

Armaments = notes/information/knowledge

Like the title said. This is my current problem. Actually, amassing too many armaments is also a bad thing. Too many options. By the time I finished "training", the "battle" would have been over.

6 days into break. Every single day is a struggle of trying to stay awake and coping with the insatiable appetite. Felt sleepy all day long. Perhaps this is because I have slept too little in the previous months. Now, even sleeping 8 hours a day is not enough. As for appetite, well.... just imagine trying to look for food like once every hour. Or eating massive amount of food during breakfast/lunch/dinner. I think if this goes on, I can say hello to the Doctor very soon.

Ok. Someone led me to re-look my current priorities. One: This person  (or actually, people) had the mood for birthday celebrations at a time when a major project is going on. Two:  This person, who has usually been scoring lower than me, actually emailed past year questions to me.

Point One: Okok. Maybe I am the weird one. My birthday holds no significance for me (though I believe otherwise for certain people). It is just the day I am born. Nothing more. I have not anything special or earth-breaking for anyone to commemorate this day either. Then again, judging from the actions of people around me, yes. Birthdays are important dates. From this, it is super duper obvious that I am a very negative person. A senior put it very well - A day lost in lab may not matter. But to miss out on important social activity will have a bigger impact. Need to re-look priorities. Also, I need to go out more. Maybe I will reconsider going to that Christmas gathering.

Point Two: Very generous person I must say. The papers are freely available. One just have to look for them. I actually have them prior to that email. If you bother to refer to that post where I spouted things about "competitive edge", you would have probably guessed I would not reveal such information to anyone, unless it is someone who really needed help or someone asked me for it (I tend to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. Unless I have judged that the person really needed help or it is something basic that everyone should know or we are in the same group. Or there is no conflict of interest/goals.). But this person actually just emailed to all her friends. Looking back, either I am selfish, or overly competitive. Need to reflect - on a simple gesture that actually set me thinking.

Temporary Break from Laboratory

Got a temporary break from lab to handle a more pressing matter. Just before the break, 3 major events occur.

1. During a presentation, my group happens to be the last to present. However, because the previous groups took up too much time, we had only 15 minutes to present 20-25  minutes worth of material. I cannot understand why Year 4 students cannot keep their presentation to the stipulated time limit. Yes. You are busy with experiments. But I am busy with experiments too. Why should I be penalized because of your laziness to trim your presentation? I got kind of worked up and went straight to the lecturer's office to request for a presentation. Thankfully, he acceded to our request. Somehow, I think the current me has became a lot more assertive when it comes to things that matter. (Note: I just realized that the paper which has taken over 30 minutes to present actually could be done within the time limit. Either I have overestimated the abilities of that group, or they are indeed too busy to put in effort to properly present the paper.)

2. For another assignment, I took a very long time to search for a good and novel topic to write. Took too much time and ended up starting to write the essay just the night before submission. I managed to submit 11 minutes before deadline. This is, by far, the most last minute desperate rush for time I have experienced for assignment submission. Seniors said I think too much. But then I think my essay still has several loopholes that I was not able to adequately cover. Oh well... It was an extremely thrilling experience but it is best to avoid such situations. I may not be able to survive next time.

3. An old friend of mine, who has been trying to "encourage" me to go after someone, turned around and accused me of bugging that person. One thing that I absolutely cannot tolerate is someone falsely accusing of something I have been working hard to avoid doing. This is ridiculous. I hit back. But perhaps, a little too hard... Speaking of "go after", this seems to be quite a common topic in the lab after an event last week. Almost drove me nuts.

Work has finally caught up

After feigning ignorance for so long to concentrate on laboratory work, module work has finally caught up with me. Dateline is 5 days away. I have narry a clue of what to write for the essay. It has to be novel, it has to be plausible. There are a few candidates... but all of them are not perfect. I guess if I am pushed to the wall, I will choose the best candidate among these to write. So far, I am able to keep up with laboratory work, though optimization is taking up a lot of time...

Oh social front, after the Wednesday and Thursday, my heart has been out of sorts (brain and heart are separate entities for me - brain is the more logical one, and heart the emotional one). Think of someone who has just struck lottery and is comtemplating whether to continue buying or to stop because he/she acutely and logically knows that this is a one-off event. On the other hand, he/she also feels that perhaps luck may once again smile on him/her. Brain is quite sure that is a one-off event but heart thinks otherwise. It is taking very long for the heart and brain to settle their arguments... Going straight up to ask is the most direct but the worst thing to do. Perhaps the high level of stress from work and the sudden oasis of calm that event has brought has contributed to the maelstrom that is now stirring. Need to filter these distractions out.

(For the record, I dislike betting and do not encourage anyone to gamble, except for pure leisure [definittely not to make money via gambling].)

Realization

The outing tonight (or more accurately, last night) kind of paid off. It sort of put paid to any fantasy idea. I think it is both good and bad. Good because I can totally erase that thought. Bad because... hmm... one lost chance?

I can suddenly see the future. At mid twenties, I will be pondering over career options. At early to mid thirties or even late twenties, I will be fretting over being "left on the shelf" and making desperate attempts to rectify my apathy in the past one or two decade.   

Distracted

Heh. Just got distracted by someone. Suddenly realized it is actually quite nice to have so many people wishing you happy birthday. Then again, this totally goes against being invisible, which seems to be my favourite past time. Haha. Ok. Now is NOT the time to think about any someone. Since I am a person who only knows how to "fight, fight and fight" to achieve goals at work (rarely anywhere else perhaps because I want to relax elsewhere), and work is really really important now, I shall just focus on that.

Okok. I know. Maybe I may miss that any someone. Then it is good riddance to the bad genes I carry, don't you think so? (Getting a little crazy here because of lack of sleep.)

Ah yes. While I was bathing, an idea for further experiment came to me. Looks like I need to buy another antibody... Work work work. I actually enjoy work. Hahaha.

Another U-Turn

Somehow, the results don't tally. Sigh... a week after I thought I made another progress, it looks I am back to square one. It happened 2 months back and it happened again... Wasted all that money and efforts. BUT I will sort through the mess and nip it in the bud. Problems like this shall not stop me! I know I sound like some maniac. But as long as I am motivated, almost anything goes [as long as it is not morally wrong or is harming others].

While going through Facebook, I saw the other side of this person. Interesting interesting. In choir, and can play piano. I think I realize why there is this "mis-connection" with this person. She is quite similar to another person. Similar build, similar background, and I think, similar "aura".... Okok. Sometimes, I judge people by their "aura".

Increasingly, I realized the only think I can do well... is well.... study (I think if I am in the natural world, I would be dead by now because I am a "one-trick pony"). Hmm... Maybe it is because I crave perfection in work. That is why I keep restricting myself. But this is changing gradually. Do not get me wrong. It is not that I cannot take failures. Look at the numerous tries in my experiment during optimization phase - but the desire to succeed just keep getting stronger. It is just that I detest the feeling of failure. But then again, I also realized that "if you don't fail, you will never learn".

Project Final Fantasy Update

It has been a long time. Time seem to flash past. Suddenly 11 weeks have come and gone. I think I am really getting used to staying in the lab. Been doing 14-hour work since I don't know when. Compared to previous year, I think I am a lot more interested in this project. A lot a lot more interested. Is it because of what is at stake? Is it because of all the nice people in the lab and my supportive supervisors? Is it because of my pride? Is it because I really liked this organism? Maybe it is a little bit of each. Somehow, work has turned into some kind of personal goal. The goal is no longer only aiming for first class. Rather, it has evolved to include the desire to improve myself (technically and mentally) and perhaps more importantly, to find out what is really happening in the cells. Simple thing: I love my current lab and I love my research and I really wish I could attain the skills faster and become better at it.

On another note, I think group project has revealed to me that I am intolerant of people not performing to standards despite all the help I have given. Of course I am not the best student nor do I know what is correct or perfect answer. But I think people have got to take their responsibilities seriously. 21 years old is considered an adult in legal terms. I do not care how anyone behave outside of work. But work is work and people have got to treat work seriously. Yes, they may have avoided the dreaded project, thinking they are not meant for science. But if you think a little deeper, a project is not just about training your skills in doing experiment and scientific thinking, but also your mental toughness, time management and an array of life skills (including taking responsibilities). Skipping the project actually means they are giving up a chance to learn all these skills. No doubt these can be learnt elsewhere. But since the opportunity already presented itself, why not grasp it? I think the institution has to start to see such projects not merely as training for only future scientists, but also helping to develop better individuals.

Rectification

Ok. The one who sent the "not-up-to-standard" material is another person. I wronged a person. Then again, that person did not go find out certain things anyway. Still, I wronged a person at that time.

How many months have passed? ....4 months. I am severely behind time. The sinking feeling I had last year is back again. It is as if a hole has opened up right below me. Ok... Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to work, work and work. Must grow stronger!

Blood Almost Boiled

Ok. My blood almost boiled just now. Told a groupmate that he has to add this, this, this. In the end? Yes. He uploaded his draft early. This is good. We can all look through before discussion tomorrow. Then again, what is the point when there are so many important points missing?

I provided a review paper that he can refer and through email, I suggested several points he can include to make the report more substantial. Well... either he did not read my mail, or he is trying to hoodwink me, hoping I can add in the missing part for him - he did not add those points in. Instead, he adding a part that another person was supposed to do (this is really "icing on the cake")! However, based on my knowledge of his character, he is not that kind of irresponsible person (He better not be!). Ok... the overlap part is useful in that we get to compare both their materials tomorrow.

What really gets me is that I explicitly, in black and white, suggest to him what to write. Since we are no longer kids and I am not their senior but their peer, I do not want to "police" them. I have no rights to do that anyway. I can only give suggestions and gave them as such.  If they have other ideas that they think will work, it is fine with me. Unless it is stated as project requirement, I did not (to my memory) insist they include any material I said or simply accept my judgment unless it is agreed by the majority.  After all, I am not perfect and I believe I can learn from them. People who do not take into account the views of others but obstinately believes they are right will probably get no where.

As seniors, I believe that we should be able to perform tasks to a certain level, especially after clarifications and reaching a consensus. However, I think what I am getting is something more akin to a junior level work standard - fresh into a new environment, do not know what to expect. Yes. Everyone will go through a phase when they grow up and make mistakes. But a mistake of this scale at this point of time (after 3 years in the system)?

I think I will go nuts if I ever become a teaching assistant and have to mark the assignments of students. We need to take some initiative to do things that we think will improve the state of matters, in addition to what we are told/suggested to do. I do not see myself as better than others intellectually. However, increasingly, I have come to realize that what differentiates me from them is the willingness to go the extra mile to get the job done and to make sure I have done the work properly. Anyone can achieve this right? It is not something that is inborn.

Comments on Recent Scientific Issues on Newspapers

If you have been reading The Straits Times for the past few days/weeks, you would have come across these stories:

1. Forum letters arguing whether vegetarian diet will help save the Earth or disrupt the ecosystem.

2. A column claiming women should not be scheduled for night shifts.

3. Protests against approval of marketing of genetically-modified salmon by FDA.

Comment on issue 1: Based on my understanding, current studies have shown that eating vegetables conserves more resources than eating meat. I have no doubt that is true. Just look the food chain. How much feed do you need to supply a cow with just to rear the cow so you can the meat. So, should we all turn vegetarians? To save the Earth? Yes. I believe saving the Earth is important. But have anyone considered the enormous economic problems if everyone becomes vegan will bring? What will happen to all the farmers rearing animals if we all turn vegetarians? You do not want to solve a problem, but generate a new problem. To those who claim current methods of farming is unnatural, please do not take this accomplishment by mankind lightly. It is an achievement born out of the need to feed billions of people. Unless you are saying the very existence of human is the bane of the Earth, then I do not see why you should criticize such intensive farming. They exist because we need them to exist. As for the impact of ecosystem, who are we to claim if we do this, we are "restoring" it to natural state? Have you considered the impact of a large scale cultivation of crops? How different is that compared to rearing of animals? As a species, human have progressed far beyond any organism on Earth. There is basically no comparison for the impact human have on our environment. Yes. You can write about "restoring natural state" in your exam essays. But please do not put up such things in an international conference to chart environmental protection efforts. My view is: Yes. If you feel going vegetarian is good for you, go right ahead. If you feel you should persuade people to go vegetarian, you can go ahead, but pay attention to whether your audience is interested - otherwise it will seem like nagging. Nobody likes to be nagged at.

Comment on issue 2: After reading the column, all I agree is melatonin suppresses breast cancer. What is the problem if we sleep during the day and work at night? There is still a night-day cycle needed for production of melatonin right? Before we jump the gun and call for a stop to night shift, I think we at least need to establish a mechanism for this day-night cycle and melatonin. Instead of a complete stop, perhaps a reduction of hours of night shift  is a better measure until more conclusive evidence surfaces.

Comment on issue 3: Ok. I just found out the inventor of GM salmon is a professor at a local university whom I have seen several times. Yes. It is too early to tell the effect of consumption of GM food. These effects are likely to vary, depending on the method used to generate GM food. The FDA should allow labeling of such salmon as GM food so consumers can make a decision. It is true that consumers have the right to know and to choose. Making decisions for the consumers (when consumers have clearly shown their preference for labeling) goes against the role of FDA, which is to protect the safety of consumers, particularly since safety of GM food is inconclusive (it seems to be safe, with the exception of potential allergic reaction thus far). To those who lobby against GM food, your concern is valid. However, there is not yet evidence to show GM food is unsafe. Also, we should not be influenced too much by movies. All the chimeras, "evil" genetically altered organisms, are just designed to interest you in paying the tickets to keep the movie industry afloat. I almost burst into laughter when a local Chinese newspaper put up a picture of a chimeric animal in an attempt to portray the danger of genetic engineering. Yes. There are potential hazards. Then again, generating such a "monster" is extremely difficult and who will fund such research in the first place? There is genuine cause for concern regarding genetic engineering and various governments have started to look into the issue. We should not let irrational fear or ignorance impede us from making progress of such useful technology.

Feeling the Stress

Ok. The stress has started to hit me. Experiments are way behind time (thanks to "worms"). Load of notes not yet gone through and memorized. Concurrent projects with datelines close to each other. My getting fat (can feel the fat around my waist) and getting more and more drowsy (probably due to lack of sleep. 6 hours and less is just not enough for me.) Perhaps the only consolation is that I have no other commitment (or maybe that is bad...)

The strategy to tide over all these is not to think of how much I have left, but how to accomplish everything. Things looking daunting when you think of every thing. But if you look into how to tackle them individually, they will appear simpler. Rationalize the problem is the key. Rather than complain and whine, it is better to find a way out of problem. Rise to the challenge. Fight all the way!

What I Meant by "Restart"

When I say restart, I DID NOT, DO NOT and WILL NOT EVER mean seeing "worms"!!!! The sight of wiggling "worms" makes me sick. Real sick. Why am I stuck at this very basic levels. After the good start, everything is unraveling now. Why Why Why...

Restart

After a horrendous 7 weeks, I think I should hit the restart button. Better do it now than later when there is no more time.

Project Final Fantasy Update

I think I am getting used to life revolving around the lab. 6/7 days a week, I come to lab. Usually for 10 hours, minimum of 5 hours a day. I take it as an achievement that I am able to overcome my "unwillingness" to head out to work even on weekend mornings. The days that I did not come to lab because I did not schedule any experiment felt strange, even though I have other work to do at home.

Coming to lab has become a norm. Unlike many people who complained about coming to lab, I think I have blurred the distinction between lab and home. The lab has become my second home. Literally. I spend more time at the lab than at home. I talk more to the people in the lab than to people at home (this is not to say that I will do that to future wife if I ever have one). Yes. Lab is a work place. But increasingly, the people at the lab seem to resemble family members: elder brothers and sisters.

Things are not going well now, partly due to my prior ineptness. Just like the previous year, I feel a sense of guilt coming to lab but not doing anything fruitful on the bench. The feeling is akin to being a free-loader at home. I actually felt that I want to be associated with the lab, to be a "true" member of the lab by acquiring the skills to do so. I do not want to be a member simply because I am in the lab. Perhaps this is the major difference between me and other people: I want to excel in work not only because of the grading. But also because I want to prove myself to be worthy of belonging to this lab. 

Ok. Enough of lab. On other work, I am progressing relatively slowly. I admit I do not feel entirely secure relying on the work of others when doing projects (perhaps this is hubris at work due to performance thus far compared to that of others). Then again, given my tight schedule, I have to rely on others and distribute the work. After learning to work independently, perhaps it is time to learn to trust others and work as a team.  

THE LAST STRAW

Ok. I have had enough. I will not spare anymore alcohol and I will now take extreme measures to ensure that I will not see cocci and/or rods in whatever I do.

To help or not to help?

There is this friend who I think is lamenting over why I did not help her. Of course, she did not mention any names. However, based on series of events occurring recently, I strongly believe she is referring to me. So why I did not help her?

1. 
   
   There is this presentation which requires each of us to select a scientific paper to present. I have chosen mine with help from my seniors (eventually, I switch to a more appropriate paper. The one recommended by my senior was really good. However, I later realised it does not fit into the scope of the presentations very well and therefore switched to, what I think, is a more appropriate paper). She has not chosen hers and asked me to help. How can I help? I cannot suggest papers from my topic because my presentation comes before hers. If she presents the same topic as I did, the novelty will be gone. This is actually not good for her.
2. 
   
   I think she is rather dependent on people and this has to change. For her first research presentation, she actually thought to seek help from our teaching assistant, who is in a different laboratory from us, to vet her presentation. My working policy is: Do not involve people who are not working directly with you because they have their own work to do. I think getting people to take notes for lectures which you missed due to work is fine, since it is in the way (I will offer mine when the friend needs my copy (mutual help) and it minimally troubles the lender). Getting people to do additional stuff out of their way is not right. Prior to exams last semester, she asked what is my schedule for revision and wants to follow my schedule. Everyone's schedule is different and their ability is different. So my schedule may not work for you. Anyway, I have not thought of a schedule at that time.
3. 
   
   She went ahead to take 4 modules, despite knowing she has a lot of laboratory work to do. Yes. It is true she has to clear a compulsory module before graduation. However, I think she should have known better (after 1 year of laboratory work) - modules are a major disruption to laboratory work. Since you know the risks and decide to take them, you should be prepared for what comes. Everyone has to live to the consequences of their decisions. You cannot expect to do something and if that something goes awry, you absolve yourself of all blames.
4. 
   
   Grading is done on a percentile system (bell-shaped curve). Therefore, I think everyone is competing against everyone. However, I am not so competitive and unfriendly that I do not give help or advice to anyone. I do respond to questions she (or anyone) asks and explain in as much detail as I can everytime. Sometimes, I also alerted her to new information, though sometimes, I just tell her where to find it and not the information itself. She can, also, read up for herself based on the papers referenced on the lecture notes if she does not understand. That is what I do most of the time instead of calling people up to ask (I only call if it is a very urgent matter). In fact, she does read up by herself.
5. 
   
   We are no longer kids. While we can ask for help if we are genuinely lost, I think we have to consider the fact that we are actually all competitors. No amount of white-washing or playing friends is going to change that. As friends, we will help each other as much as possible. However, in my opinion, we all have a right to protect our competitive edge and should respect those of others because we (or they) develop these advantages through hardwork. This is how major countries and corporations work and I see no reason why this should not applied to daily lives. When she told me she made notes from readings of a particular part of a module, I was tempted to ask her for the notes. However, I acutely felt, as well, that this is her work (hours of reading) and it would be unfair to her if I just ask her to cede her advantage. Therefore, I did not broach the topic.

After reading all these, you may feel that I am overly competitive or taking things too seriously or being too rigid in thinking. I have to say that she is not that helpless. In fact, she has shown herself to be more capable than me on several occasions. I do admire her for her efforts sometimes. It is true that through sharing, we all can all learn something from one another. However, I feel we all have the right to protect our key competitive edge from direct competitors. To deny competition exist is unrealistic. While we all hate our limitations and desire someone who can help us as much as we want, we will not grow as fast. I think this is the stage when we really grow from teenagers to adults. Too much help given is not good.

One last note: If you still think I am justifying my over-competitiveness, I concede that is true to some extent. I am trying to rein in my over-competitiveness.

End to Weekly Update

No more weekly updates.... Progress is soooo slow that there is nothing talking about. Well... there is a lot of negative stuff. Take today for example.

Today is a public holiday. Almost nobody comes to work. I am supposed to several straightforward things:
1. Prepare biochemical
2. Treat cells
3. Plate cells for tomorrow
4. Aliquot FBS
5. Assay organism
6. Test biochemical standard

Item 1: Ok.
Item 2: Ok.
Item 3: The pipette has no marker below 8ml. So I assume it's a 10ml pipette as most of the pipettes in these
           cylinders are 10ml pipettes. I plated the cells. Then I found that I had a lot of excess -- which means
           the pipette is actually a 11ml pipette! Ok. Have to scrap experiment and wait for cells to grow.
Item 4: Ok.
Item 5: After the horror of item 3, I was disheartened. In addition, I need to pH the medium before I can
            use.     The assay will take ~2.5 hours. Anyway, I think I'll go do Item 6 first.
Item 6: Embarrassing failure. Somehow, the pipetting was way off. Yesterday I got R2 of above 0.999.
            (I usually get R2 of above 0.99) Today, I do not even need to plot the graph, I know it is "gone
            case". This proves that I should not do Item 5. Time to pack up and go home.

Lesson learnt: Try to avoid working on public holidays if I can.

HOWEVER, work is still work. No matter what comes, I have to complete it. This is a promise to myself and to many people.

Project Final Fantasy: Week 13.5

Well, B-I-G joke of the week is that I cracked a culture flask with bare hands. Nope. I did not drop it. I broke it because I hit it too hard. Original cells did not work so well. Therefore, I switched cells. These new cells grew slower and and are bigger. So not only I get my cells slower, but I get less cells per flask. Wonderful. More headache. But so long as I do not see bacteria, I am still quite happy. I just need to grow more flasks of the cells for my use.

I think I like the theorizing part of science. I tried to help two friends to think of experiments they can do to improve their project. I found that I actually liked it. Then again, if I cannot do benchwork, no amount of theorizing can help me. Benchwork is the greatest barrier for me, though it has weakened somewhat over the year. Thanks a lot to my previous mentor and my supervisors for the support and pressure. I need some pressure to work, even though some people say I am giving myself a lot of pressure already.

Nightmare That I Cannot Temporarily Wake Up From

How can unfortunate events strike so many times in a span of 7 days? Things get delayed again. I HAVE to wake up from the nightmare. Tasks are now on free-wheeling. I will do whatever I can do. After all, the objectives remain unchanged. Must maintain drive!

Project Final Fantasy Update: Week 12.5

Literature review went well. I think I am really really used to presenting - to the point that I am actually excited to present. Or is that because the chemical signals secreted by the Brain is being mixed up because of prolonged stress? Anyway, I shall take this in a good light. Good things rare come unaccompanied by bad ones. I have to restart the tasks I did so far with a new cell line. Therefore, it is back to the beginning again - while people are making progress. That is fine. I just have to push harder. After all, I want my results to be solid (best if it can be diamond solid) and not full of asterisks and notes.

I think peoples' talk have a way of influencing me. One "hi" to a girl and my seniors think I like the girl. Wonderful isn't it - if only getting a girl to be a girlfriend can be this easy (with a very very very sarcastic tone). Anyway, initially I really feel nothing towards her. Then after this "hi" incident, something did tug somewhere. A similar situation happened 7-8 years ago. I am not falling for the same trap. Not ever.

It is time I made full use of the "twin drives" that I have. I need to surpass those with "false drives".

Additional Lessons for Working in BSC

1. Spray with alcohol, wait for ~5 minutes, then wipe.
2. If the paper towel is disintegrating, change it.
3. Wipe front grille of the BSC as well.
4. If need to draw/dispense into same flask/bottle repeatedly, leave the cap open and place the flasks on the left or at the back. Repeated opening and closing of cap increases risk of contamination.
5. If there is a spill, ignore temporarily (But not until the end!). Cap all bottles or bring out flasks before wiping it.
6. Add/dispense liquid close to the bottom of the flask. 

Virus ARE Living Things

On my daily commute to work today, I had a passing random thought: Virus are living things. Ok, every biologist would say "But they cannot reproduce on their own!" / "They have no metabolism outside of host cell!" etc etc etc.

Well, I subscribe to the view that life begins from simple molecules - the so-called "RNA world". We do have RNA viruses, which suggests that viruses are extremely old - think "billions of years" old. According to this "RNA world" hypothesis, DNA came into being after RNA. Many of the viruses' hosts use DNA as their "store" of genetic material. So viruses precede their hosts.

Viruses, through infecting their hosts, gain access to the hosts' protein synthesis machinery and nucleic acid synthesis machinery (to a certain extent) to enable the viruses to replicate. Why do viruses not reproduce on their own? Well, if they can rely on host cells to do that, why would they need to retain this ability? By not needing to reproduce, to metabolize, the viruses are actually "streamlining" themselves - they got rid of functions which they can "outsource" to. 

For those who believe in evolution, let me put this picture to you: Virus started out as some living organism, needing to feed and reproduce by itself. Over the years (not decades or centuries or even millenniums, think tens or hundreds of millions of years), new organisms came about (maybe viruses are their predecessors?). Competition for food/materials to live drove the original viruses towards extinction - the original viruses are being selected against. However, a small group of viruses, through mutations, gained parasitic ability - they can invade host cells and produce within host cells (like some bacteria). However, as selection favours faster growing/replication population, over time, the original viruses ditch their own systems and streamlined their genome, relying on host cells to do all these jobs for them (perhaps because small genomes can be replicated more rapidly? because these host cells are more capable or efficient at obtaining nutrients than the viruses?).

Of course, I have no proof to support what I have said thus far. However, this is still a tantalizing thought is it not?

Project Final Fantasy: Week 11.5

Week 11.5. Assay does not seem to be working although further verification is needed. I suddenly realized my treatment protocol is flawed. Therefore, I have to redo. Anyway, I am using a new system and therefore will have to redo in any case. Oh well, another roadblock. At least I think I am getting really used to the routine of going to work every single day. The only thing I need to be cautious about is to ensure that I really put in 100% concentration when I am working.

Outing with Gossip Lane people again. Probably the final outing, until Project Final Fantasy ends. If memory serves, they are the only ones who made me, to date, having to rush to catch the last train twice. Haha. They are my very good friends (Possibly the best of friends, even though I (sometimes) do feel kinda weird when going out with them. Imagine 1 guy with 6 pretty girls [I really mean it. The part about pretty.]). They wanted me to get top grades "for them". Haha. Very interesting. Even my parents do not bother about such things and they actually said that. This is why I think I am closer to my friends than my parents. Yup. I will. For myself, for them, for my supervisors, for my previous mentor and for my parents (even though they do not care).

Maybe Not Suited For Research

Now, given that there are so many ways to do things, how can I guarantee that the way I am doing things are correct? How can I be 100% (actually, 1000% be even better) that my results are entirely correct and accurate? For someone who desires 100% correct (I am more or a less a perfectionist where work is concerned, but not else where.), this uncertainty is gnawing at me.

Inertia to do work

Ever go through all the preparatory procedures but just before you start on the actual, you suddenly felt that you do not really feel like do it there and then? Well, that happened to me at least twice this week. Is my resolve weakening? Then again, I persisted and completed them. Experience really matters. Experience brings not only skills, but also mental strength.

Project Final Fantasy Update: Week 10.5

Week 10.5. Reconstituted all 3 drugs (unsure if they are contaminated in the process) and assay kit. Performed plating test for 24-well plate. Subcultured 5 flasks of cells. Made new culture reagents. I am behind time. Why? Because I have not been careful enough - strange things appeared in my flasks, despite the precautions I have taken since the last incidence. I must learn not to take things for granted. Biochemical C staining came out alright. That is the only good thing that came out. Organism assay need to redo certain parts. Sometimes, I hate myself for not being able to perform these simple tasks well.

On social front, I think my lab is a super close group. We got together for farewell dinner to 2 of our colleagues.We have lunch together, tea break together, breakfast together. Very, very nice. I really really want to earn my keep and prove that I can truly be one of them. Also, there is a new project that requires me to work with new people. I have seen only 1 of them (out of 4). Hopefully we can work well together and produce good results.

Note to self: It does not matter what others are doing. As long as I have done all that I can and all that is right, I am progressing. It is my progess that counts. The "enemy" is me. As long as I have surpassed myself, I would have surpassed most of the others. Real GN drive will prevail over false drives.

Before Official Start of Final Operation...

With 3 preparatory years exhausted, the time has come for the real challenge. Challenge in the real environment. Yes. I can memorize. I can think (though not as well as I liked). I can endure (though not as determined as before, but it is improving). However, it is the critical-on-the-spot thinking that I lack and the ability to plan around schedules that I am left wanting. Oh yes. I forgot to mention the perpetual trouble of being careless (or absent-minded). Through this challenge, I hope to seal these gaps. Only then, can I compete with the top people.

It is time to grow. Grow faster than anyone else!

Note to self: Knowing when to rest is important also. Remember: Haste makes waste.

Warning Signs

While compiling data, a few "problems" cropped up.

1. According to my assay, the amount of free biochemical  is actually more than that of total biochemical. (Problem with my data?)
2. Cell confluency used in assay is slightly less than that of that for Organism infected assay. (problem with correlating the data?)

In any case, we have ran out of the assay kit. When the kit comes, I think I will need to do a new repeat to confirm the data. Looks like I have not done so much work after all.

Reached Limit and Miscellaneous Talk

I think I have finally reached my body's limit. Getting up at 5 plus, 6 a.m. every single day, reach home only at 9, 10, 11p.m. or even near midnight for almost consecutive 4-5 weeks. Today, my brain really screamed for a break (It does not  help that my sore throat has been troubling me since start of this week). Well... At least for this long weekend, I can take some time to read some research papers and organize my data (They are organized. But not as good as I liked them to be.).

For some time, some people have commented on me being a perfectionist. Alright. I accept that. However, this is only because my real inner self is really quite sloppy and lazy. I need a "rational" self to control that - hence the perfectionist tag. You probably cannot imagine the mayhem if I did not set (or try to set) a high standard for myself. A senior co-worker once commented that whoever works under me will have a hard time (assuming I will hold some leadership position someday). That is kind of true. I guess. I will expect certain tasks to be completed by a certain time (who does not?) and they be completed in an acceptable manner to me. Of course. I tend to be more lenient to the others (which usually does not apply when I rate myself).

One another note, I wrote to someone on facebook today, regarding that person's future career. Somehow I was kind of eager to see that person's response and was moderately elated to have seen it. I would strongly deny liking that person, though I admit that there is positive feeling towards this person (This is a typical response to me if anyone asks THAT typical question.). While I think we have very different personalities, response to situations and social experience, we are not all that different in our innate thinking.

Dinner with Gossip Lane People

Yes. Dinner with Gossip Lane people. Well... actually, girls are more accurate (all of them are, except me, though I do not see myself as part of Gossip Lane. It is too "gossipy" for me.). Great company. I like to listen to people talk and learn stuff about them along the way. This bunch of girls are extremely chatty. Perfect fit. Anyway, after a year of working together, they have moved on bigger things. It is real nice to get together once in a while and see how everyone is doing. Even though these just a click away on social networking websites, nothing beats seeing and talking to them in real person.

One of the Gossip Lane people, VW, when egged by the group to reveal her "analytical skills" regarding our strong points (one for each person) said that I am the type who, when faced with a problem, will go all the way to get the answer/solve the problem. In a way, it is true (most of the time anyway). I think to put it more accurately, I do not like things I do not know. That is why if it bugs me, I will get down to it. Also, I see it as a challenge to be overcome/crush (Especially if it is in certain areas I am confident of. Yeah. I know. "Hubris" comes to my mind.).

On work front, I still need to improve my assaying of the Organism. No doubt I am getting used to the steps. However, I am still not sufficiently comfortable with my skills at this point.

Excited. Extremely Excited.

Excited about the coming work year. With a significant number of people gone, those that are left are supposedly the stronger ones (Some of the people who left are strong too of course. It is a pity they have to leave.). The competitive blood in me is boiling up. Let's see how this "battle" will go. I might end up losing of course. However it will definitely be very interesting. How long can I last? Hopefully external forces will not intervene.  

(Note: Ok. From the above paragraph, you probably think I am a nut case. Just using analogy to make this coming tough year sound nicer and more interesting.)

New Self Fragmenting

I think I am breaking up on social front and work. Losing patience with a certain person. Somehow, that person is getting increasingly irritating. That person kept on asking questions, and sometimes even repeatedly, and making strange remarks. Well... that person does have a point most of the time. However, I think the timing for that person's questions and comments are not very appropriate or that they are pointless.

On the side of work, I think I am lapsing into my careless, rash self. I need to rein that it or trouble will follow up very soon.

Robot Damashii over Kits

Ok. After looking at photographs of Robot Damashii figures (and that I do not have time nor energy to build gunpla anymore), I think I will buy Robot Damashii figures instead (when I start having income). Gunpla... perhaps for the main characters' MS.

The downside of Robot Damashii is that it is small. Very small in my opinion (~11cm). No sense of awe... Oh well... that is the trade off for a figure off the box.

Another (Not so) Dumb Week

Another dumb week. Fixation went wrong. Nevermind. The medium turned pink. I was doing assay halfway when senior came in and noticed the colour. Although he merely commented, I abandoned the assay. What is the point of continuing when it is already wrong. Good thing I had the foresight to keep another set of sample to perform the assay.

So yes. This week, beside literature review, I accomplished little else. THIS HAS TO CHANGE OR I WILL BE REPEATING MY MISTAKES LAST YEAR!!! I need to change the way I work. So one week gone. Wonderful. Nevermind. I still one week before school starts. Need to work all the way through next week. Must keep Friday night free. So Monday to Thursday, I declare war against my sloth!

Project Final Fantasy Week 7.5

Literature Review presentation for main supervisor this week. It was 1) unrehearsed (It was NOT prepared last minute, though I realized it was missing a number of important points) 2) packed with a lot of information [I talked until my throat felt dry and the laser pointer went out of battery] 3) not to my satisfaction (The audience appeared to think otherwise. I missed out a few small details.). I need to improve on the presentation to pass a sterner supervisor 3 weeks from now. 

Regarding real work, biochemical C assay was postponed to allow time for plating optimization (I am close to completing this part). Biochemical C assay will resume next week with an improved protocol. However, there is only sufficient material to run a single assay. After that, I will have to wait for the company to deliver the goods we have ordered. In the mean time, I will work on other stuff.

The main work this week is the time point study of Organism. Isolation of Organism at various time points and fixing of cells for analysis was done. Unfortunately, I fell prey to carelessness again. I used only a half-strength fixative due to pipetting error. I admit. It was stupid. 2 days of working till 11pm gone down the drain because of a stupid mistake that I discovered only on the final day. The only consolation was that I managed to harvest the Organism to perform quantification next week. Of course, if that assay turns out negative, it means I have wasted an entire week again. Given my tight schedule, this is not acceptable

Although it is human to err, I must learn from my mistakes and not repeat them EVER. I realized that the different between the current me and the me several months ago is that I am putting more thoughts into my work. Since I have no assigned mentor to follow and there are a myriad of protocols that work, I need to decide how to carry out my work so that results obtained at this point can be used to analyze and compare against future results. If there is anything I think that is worth celebrating thus far, this modest maturation of thought is it.

Project Final Fantasy Week 6.5 Update

2 weeks till real schedule kicks in. No progress for this week. I thought I could finish my literature review this week. But problems cropped up and my slowness (self-perceived) ate up quite a bit of time. My immune cells for verification were wasted because my lysis buffer was missing an important component. Therefore, the biochemical C assay has to be postponed until at least Monday.

I hope to begin Organism growth curve determination this week. It might take a week or two. I will have to ask seniors if this is necessary. I hope to at least start cytotoxicity test within these 2 weeks as well. With these two matters settled, at least I think I am done with the bulk of optimizations. Literature review is moving along slowly. Many things to read. Many many things. Next week is the scheduled presentation week. The exact day has not yet been fixed. I will discuss with seniors tomorrow. Compared to the others, I think I am less "controlled". No one sets deadlines for me (unlike my friend who has schedules planned out by her supervisor - I kind of like that. But it sound that she is not trusted to run her own schedule, which is not good in a way). Then again, I intrinsically know I am behind time. At least a week or two behind time. This will help put the fact that my co-workers left behind me. No time to feel sad about what has happened when there is so much more to be done.

So you see, I have a lot of things to do. Medicine people will end their exams in early September. However, that is the time when the other people are slugging it out (Yes, you have seen it right. Slugging it out). Hopefully I can squeeze out an evening for a dinner. It has been more than a year.

Ah yes. I "skipped" work on Saturday (Simply take a break from experiments). It feels nice to stay at home (finally got to re-watch Aliens), though I was feeling groggy most of the time. Probably due to the lack of sleep for the past month or two.

Crapping on a "slow" day

Alright, I am whiling away time here. After close to one hour of facebook surfing during lunch time and in between work (I know I am supposed to be reading up, but I am still suffering from "labmates leaving syndrome"), I realised my life is a little too boring on the social side. Of course, this is not the first time I realised this. Perhaps I put in too much time into work? I am a "work-oriented" person. Work, to me, is something to be "eliminated"/"annihilated" as soon as possible and as thoroughly as possible. Somehow, I get thrilled from knowing I "annihilated" a piece of work.

I have to re-look the way I work and my priorities. Then again, while most people would say life is not only about work, why can't work be a major part of life, like what I am going through now? Of course, there are major downsides to this approach. At this point of time, I only know how to live life this way.

Goodbye Co-workers

Merely into 7th week of Project Final Fantasy, my co-workers left. Ok... they are not working on the same project as me. But at least the work place is livelier with more people (I had 8 co-workers before, so I know that very well).

The upside of having less people is,

1. Less people to fight for equipment
2. Less people to fight for space
3. More attention from supervisor

The downside of having less people is,

1. No peer support
2. No one to talk "non-work" things with

Oh well. If this is the path I have to take, I will just go forward. Project Final Fantasy, after all, did not initially factor in co-workers. This is a "revenge mission" and a challenge that I have to conquer and overcome.

Project Final Fantasy Update: The Day I Stuffed Myself

Supervisor gave a treat to everyone because of 2 birthdays and to welcome 2 members to the team. It was buffet. Relatively good I think. I ate until I could eat no more. Seriously. That has not happen since I do not know when. A very loooong time ago. I ate until my diaphragm actually hurts from laughing. Haha. Really ate lot. Salmon sashimi, pizza, mussels, laksa, durian puffs, ice creams, various salads, cookies, kuehs, satay, sauteed potatoes etc.

I think I have a little bit of affinity with that area. My cousin's wedding was at a hotel in that area. My previous department's 60th anniversary high tea was also held at a hotel in that area.

Ok. A bit on the more serious stuff. I think this week is a "lull" period for me. Have to spend some time doing some extra testings in terms of seeding cells for various protocols and to read journal articles. Physical fitness test in 2 days time. Well, I attended a training program to "safeguard" against repercussions of clearing it. Then again, I still hope to clear it. It is a personal "want-to-win" thing.

Project Final Fantasy Week 5.5 Update

Very fast. This is Week 6.5 already. So far... No major confirmed progress yet. Biochemical C assay yielded some strange but reproducible results. So I need to test on another cell line with more established results to rule out the possibility that these strange results are due to my mis-handling of the assay or is for real. The assay kit is running out. I think I can order 4 or 5 sets and still finish using them in a month or two. The six-month expiry should not be a problem for me.

Pipette tips are running very fast. I am doing two assays a day (If I devote the whole day to assay, I think doing 4 or 6 should not be a problem). This consumes slightly less than 2 boxes of tips. So I have to spend some time filling tips. This is a relaxing I would say. No need to bother about accuracy, precision or reproducibility.

In summary, there is a bit of progress. However, these are all tentative progress, awaiting confirmation. There are no paper to reference yet, unfortunately. I think I am working at close to maximum capacity. I need a short complete break. By complete, I mean staying home to read journal articles. Going out with friends would be a nice as well.

On personal side, I think I am at increased risk of being consumed by my competitive side. On one hand, it has been propelling forward all these while (coming to work every single day, 7 days a week). On the other hand, the fear of "losing" or lagging behind my peers in work has increased. Need to rein in this negative feeling before it gets out of hand.

Missed Commencement 2010

Alright, it is not my commencement. However, there are a number of good friends graduating. Unfortunately (or fortunately as you will be told later), I missed the occasion. A mistake on experiment planning saw that I am at home when the Commencement is ongoing. So I did not get to see in person the people in "Gossip Lane" or those good friends wearing their graduating gowns (or whatever those are called).

Why do I say it is fortunate? For one, it made me think less of the horrid year that is going to come. Horrid in the sense that I will have endless datelines and short sleeping hours (never mind an increase in body weight that makes me feel... sluggish). But it is in the coming year that I will get the opportunity to grow and prove myself. These people have been through the tough times (even for those who did not move into their fourth year). I have to admire them for their resilience (then again, they [like me] do not much of a choice...).

Another reason why I think it is fortunate is because I am poor at mixing around. Therefore, by not going, I save myself the embarrassment of being the odd thumb sticking out. At times like these (if it is my commencement), I will probably be turning on my "retrospective mode" and feel sad (instead of happy) that I am finishing all this.

OK. Enough of thinking about all this. Back to work! Back to work!

Project Final Fantasy Update 4

This is 4.5 week. It has been a busy week. Finally did some real work. Not much work though.

1. 
   
   Contamination problem appears to be solved.
2. 
   
   Bradford working normally.
3. 
   
   Finally started on biochemical C assay. Initially, reading was over the scale. After some dilution, it went within scale. Good. BUT the results are a little strange and needs repeating. Also, I need to perform C-only analysis also next week. The assay itself is relatively short. The problem lies with the preparation. Very tedious stuff of standardizing biochemical P and lots of diluting. I used up boxes of pipette tips very quickly. Co-workers jokingly said I ate tips for lunch.
4. 
   
   Aliquoted samples and stored at -80 deg.
5. 
   
   Was asked questions by safety inspectors. Did OK. Except I need to state I will inform others about the spill before I proceed to clean up.

On the other hand, I have made very little progress on reading. Too tired to read when I got home. The only time I managed to read is on the way to school. At least I got tomorrow free. Tomorrow have to do some serious reading.

On the conference side, I have submitted the abstract. I truly appreciate the confidence my supervisors have in me. Must not let them down (what happened the last year is a real motivation not to repeat my mistakes). Looks like I am in for a rough ride the next 5 months. My limits will be stretched to the maximum.

Speaking of limits, to a certain extent, I think I have overcome my previous limits (OK, except for the occasional carelessness - like slotting the wrong filter into the plate reader and getting the thing stuck). But in terms of thinking when doing work, I think I have made a bit of progress (there is a lot more to learn though). Well, having no mentor helps in a way. I need to think on my own. People will get sick if you ask too many dumb questions. The one-year experience really helps a lot, in terms of mental strength, practical and organization skills. Lots of thanks to JN and KSG.

Amendment (10th July 2010): I just realized a problem with the assay. The standardization does not allow comparison between separate experiments, although it works within an experiment. I need to use a new method.

Clarification

Ok. After re-reading the previous post myself, I realised may be I might mislead people. "Shame" does not mean someone made my life difficult. Rather, I made someone's life difficult. Actually, it is more than one person. At least 2. I am not very sure about the third one.

Just met one of the two on my way home. The one that said seeing the sun still up when the train goes out of the tunnel made her feel happy. Do not get me wrong. She is a co-worker. Actually, we met prior. It is pure coincidence we ended up doing working at the same place. After many failures at work, I stopped talking to her. Well, to begin with, I am not much of a conversationalist (I prefer to listen and absorb information. I can remember certain minute details of friends.) But I totally stopped talking to her. Except to ask question. Very poor communication skills I admit. At that time, I felt I had no "face" to talk to anyone, not just to her. How could I when I did not produce anything of value, yet everyone thought I was producing something and everyone had relatively high expectations of me. Rather than being haughty, this is more of a "silence due to guilt" thing. It seems like I am making poor excuses for my past deeds now. But this is the truth. This episode is one of my greatest regret in life so far. Currently the biggest one staring at me.

Speaking of regrets, there is the primary school error of selecting an all-boys group for certain competition. No doubt there are a number of outstanding girls. However, my judgement was skewed by my aversion to girls back then. Silly mistake. If I had made the right decision then, I am fairly sure we would have progressed beyond the first round.

Third regret is my childhood reluctance to learn two things. One beginning with c (7-letter word) and the other beginning with s (8-letter word). Why did I not take the chance, I do not know, especially the one beginning with s. Too introverted and too short-sighted (metaphorically speaking, though true literally as well) perhaps.

Fourth regret is following my heart (does not apply exclusively to romance). Usually lead to something awful. It has been proven. The heart cannot be trusted. True, the heart prevents the brain from executing cold calculating moves. Unfortunately, it does a very poor job of protecting my interests in the face of obvious threats. Only by combining the output of the heart and brain in a balanced manner can a person truly function effectively.

Deja Vu

It seems the nightmare of previous year is repeating itself again. Among my friends, I think it entered a better lab, got myself an exploratory project (with good prospect of publishing) and surrounded by nice people. AND like previous year, my mentor/supervisors thought too highly of me and suggest I put up an abstract, and subsequently a poster, for a conference. 

Do I have the words "Please please please send me to conference" on written on my face? What do they see in me anyway? So far, I have not shown any result nor any glimpses of any brilliance. Heck, I cannot even do a simple Bradford assay (although that appears to be solved now). Sometimes, I wonder why can't I do my projects like normal people. Do project, write thesis, submit, the end. Why must I be sucked into these risky "all or nothing" games? Somehow, I must be embroiled in some additional activity that is beyond my level (my perceived level).

On the bright side, if I can pull this off, I can wipe clean the shame of previous year. Yes. This is a very big motivation. Never mind it will look good on my curriculum vitae. I should be glad that I got entangled in this again. This means that I can put myself through similar challenges and see if I come out tops this time. Besides, even if I did not come out tops (but hopefully not bottoms either), then I would have an edge over my peers. Yes. Yes. I feel better when I see it in this light now. Statistics, however, does not favour my quest at this point of time. This will be a very trying time.

Right. I sound like a vengeful maniac. Like a Saiyan. This analogy is very accurate. But only when it comes to work. Other than that, I am alright. Perhaps I will become more normal when I feel I am on par with my "rivals" or when I am other things/people to concern myself with other than work.

King and Horse Finally Have the Same Goal

King = Good me. Horse = evil me. Both finally and truly agree to work together. This has been long overdue (3 years or longer now). I took the King and Horse analogy from a certain Japanese animation/manga and a column by a certain Gary Hayden. King symbolizes the "good" part of a person (hardworking, altruistic etc etc etc). Horse represents the "primal" part of a person (lust, greed, sloth etc etc etc). According to the Japanese animation, if the King is weak, he will be taken over by the Horse and vice versa. But finally they agreed to work together against a common threat. FINALLY!!!

There is a drawback however. It seems that wrath has come in faster and more intense than before. Looks like I have to keep my temper in check before it boils over. Scary scary...

Today Did Not Happen

Yes. Today, 2nd of July did not happen. It was a blank. The day jumped from 1st July 2010 to 3rd July 2010.

Well, to the rest of the people, 2nd July did happen. I simply chose to deny its existence. Why? Because nothing happened today. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Nil. Zilch. Everything from 0800 to 1630 was for naught. So yes. Nothing happened. I wrote off the day.

Tripped by Bradford Assay

Bradford assay is a commonly used method to quantify (estimate) protein levels. Unfortunately, I was confused by the protocols. I have done the assay before. However, different people appear to use different protocols. I do not know which is right (more accurate). Seniors recommend that I read the manufacturer's protocol which should be optimized (Why did not I think of that?!!). Well, it turns out that everyone is partially right in some parts and partially "wrong" (perhaps they took into consideration certain factors which I did not).

Ok. So after consulting the manufacturer's protocol and verifying it with Current Protocols in Molecular Biology and a certain university's protocol, I have come to a final protocol.

1. Protein standards will range from 0.05mg/ml to 0.5mg/ml BSA (0, 0.05, 0.10, 0.20, 0.30, 0.40, 0.50)
2. Add 10ul of standard/sample into each well.

3. Add 200ul of 5x diluted Bradford regent.

4. Incubate for at least 5 minutes.

5. Read at 595nm.

6. Perform standard curve every time I do the assay (to account for different incubation time).

1st Month Review fo Project Final Fantasy

One month flashed past very very quickly. It has been one month since Project Final Fantasy started. Here is a list of what has been done:

1. 
   
   Procurement of materials is mostly done.
2. 
   
   Assay for target organism appears to be going well.
3. 
   
   Additional measures have been put in place to prevent contamination.
4. 
   
   A modest stock of target organism has been propagated (17 from true breed and 17 from cross breed).
5. 
   
   Primary drug treatment in progress.

The main concern I have at the moment is that the progress is relatively slow. I fear not being able to complete all the tasks in time. My speed in performing tasks are also relatively slow -- This could pose a problem when the equipment are more frequently utilized by others. I am also behind time on reading.