Six Months in a Flash

Six months in a flash, everything still in a mess. Have not settled payment to parents and aunts, have not settled claims, have not found the extra push to work after office hours and on weekends.

Payment to parents and aunts: It is a normal thing to do. I think I need to work out a monthly visiting schedule to aunts' place. Otherwise, nothing will get going. It is time to really bring back the dough.

Claims: Phone claims, cab fare, and other claims. Got to get my butt off and start doing these.

Work after office hours and weekends: For some reason, I totally switch off after work. Very very bad. There is no enthusiasm at all. Perhaps It is because I am used to doing work in lab till very late. Home is where I come back to sleep and not do work. Hence the brain automatically switches off when I am home. Need to find some way to "psycho" myself to work. I think I should set aside 1 hour after work every day to do extra work.

Finance Planning: It is time to start and Excel sheet to record expenditure. Perhaps a yearly budgeting exercise would be good.

Social Calendar: I have to start to plan GossipLane outings, BP lunch, 2202 meetings and CR meetings on a more regular basis. Say once a month.

Lessons Learnt:

1) Must be steady, DO NOT rush.

2) Think like planning experiment. Step by step, take stock of each step.

3) Clear definition of role is important. Leave the job to the proper people.

4) Calling is more personal than emailing, especially for apologizing to people.

5) Perfection is excessive. Good enough will do.

What I Want...

Sometimes, I guess I don't really know what I want...

Take job for example. Given a choice, I would have continue with science education. After all, I used to and still am immensely interested in working in the WHO or the CDC on disease response. After reading all those books on infectious diseases, I think I'm hooked on pandemic, crisis, infectious agents etc. Then again, I will probably need a medical degree or a PhD at the very least. As far as I know, I am not suited to be a medical doctor because my motivation is still mainly "destruction" rather than "construction". As for PhD, it seems like market for PhDs is not very good at the moment. Besides, I cannot guarantee I will get a position in WHO or CDC even with a PhD...

Now, I am engaged in administrative work. It is not bad I guess. I get to interact with lots of people, do behind-the-scenes work and get training on how to think in a multi-party situation. In a way, it is kind of exciting and it pays quite well. In this society, it is difficult to get around without money and parents are getting old. Thus I need to take financial stability very seriously. However, infectious diseases is something that will really get my pulse racing.

On social side, I think I'm kind of losing direction as well. Recently, I went out with this friend twice. The feeling is not bad. I think we are alike in a number of ways. I actually see myself in her sometimes - I think I would end up very very similar to her if I were in her shoes. I kind of feel something, something very vague. I cannot even define what this is. If someone were to ask me who I like at the moment, I would probably be able name 2. Well... "like" is a term that I guess most people would use. I prefer "positive feeling". The current me is not qualified to "like" anyone. But this friend?

Review and Sort

Time to review. Been on the job for 4 months.

On competency end, I think I really sucked. Out of 100 marks, I would give a 45. Public administration is more complex than I imagined. There are a myriad of issues one has to consider when making a decision. One false move can prove to be one's undoing. A good example is human perception (which is rather well portrayed by the movie "contagion"). When there is a new scheme, people will start to ask where will the budget come from. If it comes from their pockets, they will flip. It is human nature. But the selfishness of it all is disgusting. Then there will be people who don't do their work too and spend a good half an hour telling you unimportant things and when you put down the phone, you realise: have I gotten the information I wanted? Worse is when someone who should have the information tells you that they do not have it. How can these people not have the info when it's their responsibility and job scope?

Lesson 1: Stand firm on the info I want. Never mind what the other side say, get all the info I need.

Lesson 2: Read all articles carefully before responding or asking question. Pay attention to details. I cannot afford to ask redundant questions for that will dent my credibility. The saying "the devil is in the details". I can overstate how true that rings out.

Lesson 3: Also, a variant is "the devil is in the execution". All policies are empty talk, no matter how good they look and sound, unless they can be executed in reality. When talking about strategies, it is always important to think about feasibility and how they can be implemented.

Lesson 4: Before I approach anyone, I need to consolidate the information and ask the right question. Asking the right question is a useful skill. It will avoid people misconceiving what you are asking and giving you the wrong information, causing you to "re-ask" that person.

Lesson 5: Finance information can tell you many many things. More than just revenue and loss, it can tell you how effective a unit is working.

Lesson 6: WHERE ARE MY SOFT SKILLS???

All in all, if this is Bleach, I suppose my situation would be like losing a Captain's level power (or a Lieutenant's) and got demoted to normal human. Suddenly, I cannot fully comprehend things. And worse is, many things are not within my control. Research suddenly seemed very enticing.

The good thing is, I am learning lots of new things. : ))) And I refuse to give up. However, I need to buck up and find some way to motivate myself. HOW???

On the social end of things, I think I am just as bad. I would report a rating of 30 out of 100. Sometimes I wonder, why do I hesitate when approaching people? They are colleagues right? We are in the same team right? Forging stronger ties and getting to know them and they know me is going to benefit us all right? But why am I vacillating? Even yesterday, I was actually apprehensive when collecting movie tickets I bought online. Utterly ridiculous. The good thing is, logic and a sense of urgency kicked in yesterday. I wonder how dumb I would have looked if those did not come in time. Irrational fear. But of what? I have no idea. of losing face? Or looking stupid? Irrational fears are to be crushed.

Also, it seems that I am too serious. I have to learn to loosen up. Really. Sounds easy. But somehow, the message is having a hard time getting to me.

On fitness end, I'm starting to move. Re-started gym sessions and running session. Super out of shape. This time, I have to be consistent. In any case, I have set a deadline of CNY to improve physique and dressing. Looks like a reasonable deadline. If only I can keep the pace.

The "True" Purpose of Competition

Watched a Hong Kong drama. Kinda feel sad for the guy who tries to force another to compete with him to determine the best player. Which led me to think: What is the point of competition? When can we tell that it has gone too far?

I supposed you can say competition is the order of nature. Natural selection functions via competition. I feel that humans are the ultimate competitors. Ever since the day a human is born, you can expect some parents from someone will start pitting your children against others. When children mature, they will pit themselves against their peers. When they finally have their own children, they will pit their children against others. It is a never-ending cycle.

What is the point of competition? To prove you are better than others. To feel the thrill of competition. To make your "stake-holders" happy.  I fully agree with all, the first two in particular (personally experienced them). However, the point of competition is actually to find your weaknesses and overcome them.

Victory against someone or something is simply a temporary state, with many qualifiers. Everyone can improve and in competitions, many factors can magnify the difference between two players. The topics that come out in exams, the wind condition, a careless error of judgement in hitting a ball. All these depend on luck. Beating your opponents because of these factors hardly proves that you are better. I think whether win or lose, your biggest gain should be the knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses and what you can do to improve yourself. The great sensation of winning is simply a reward for your past hard work and should not be the ultimate aim of winning. After all, beating someone may not prove anything at all. The factor separate the two may just be luck. No competition can ensure that all players are at their peak, compete under the same conditions, use the same equipment, enjoy the same level of training. No competition is completely fair. Therefore, the results of competition may be significant, if at all. But through a competition, you can surely sense your strengths and weaknesses. You can analyze "match" and decide what is your strength. Weaknesses are more easily felt. Competition lets you acutely sense your weaknesses and generates a sense of urgency to overcomes them. How can you forget the feeling losing to someone due to your weakness? While everyone cheer the victor, it is actually the loser who potentially stands to gain more. Make no mistake about this.

When someone becomes obsessed with beating someone or obsessed with challenging others to determine who is better, they have gone too far. When you win, you should feel happy and proud because you deserved it or because of your exceptional good luck or because you overcome your obstacles. Like I stated previously, the ultimate goal of competition should not simply be victory against someone - it should be a process of discovering where you can improve. I now believe challenging someone just to prove who is stronger is a waste of time but challenging someone to further improve yourself is the true purpose of competition.

You can get carried away at the moment but never forget the true purpose of competition. In addition, there is no perpetual winner or loser and there is absolute no competition that is 100% fair. To be competitive simply to prove you are the best is kidding yourself. A competition is meant to enable you to assess yourself.

Just Gotta Evolve

I feel like a fish out of water. Or in Japanese animation, they are on a different level of power from me. And the occasional careless mistake can be costly. In school, careless mistakes do not cost so much. A few marks off, one grade down. But in the real world, careless mistakes can make people think lowly of you - the implication is tremendous! First thing to plug is my careless mistakes.

Second thing is to inculcate a habit of double checking. Never trust anyone. Always double check. Never mind if it takes slightly longer. Always double check. I cannot emphasize this enough. ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET!

Decided

Decided. To live a max of 60 years. UNLESS something or someone changes my mind. Too tiring to live so long and too... Sometimes I don't really know why I think in a "holier than thou" way. Guess that is my nature. Even though brain knows better than to slip down this path, it lapses sometimes. Better be dead than to act like that. In the meanwhile, I must learn to release my energy on a more consistent basis.

Operation Kill Sloth

For the past 3 months, I look like an idiot, sound like an idiot, must be an idiot. Granted, managing human-human relations is not my forte. Despite this, I do realize that if I do not ameliorate my ability in this, I will get no where. Despite what some people may think, soft skills are extremely important - they form the core of a person's ability. You can have all the knowledge in the world. But soft skills is needed to make people listen to you and to believe you. Without knowledge, you have no credibility. Without soft skills, you are a misfit.

Kill Slot:. I need to whack my inner sloth harder. I have been wasting my weekends these days. Unacceptable for a newbie (actually, more of a noob). I reminisce the past year when I am able to bring myself to work even on weekends, rain or shine. Now, weekends seem to be a time to relax. True, I need to relax a bit. The problem is that I seem to relax to much. The Sloth is stronger than my other self now and I must find my old self before it is too late.

Strangely felt like asking CR out yesterday for dinner at Vivocity. She agreed. Let's see. This is the.... 3rd time I asked an individual out. There is my Sis and another person. That was years ago. I did spend time with people alone. But not asking people out individually. Why I ask her out? Good question. Let's see.

1) I see myself in her. I got to where I am because of luck (in addition to hard work and some talent of course). I think this is what sets us apart. If I were to take her path, I am quite sure I would be in the same state as her. That is why I would like to help her if I can, if it does not infringes any moral/legal issues.

2) I can understand how she feels now - the pressure to secure a job, coupled with the uncertainty of whether her own ability is sufficient to take on the job. I can totally understand. Been through that phase 4 years ago. But I do not really know how she thinks. Part of me wants to know her better to see how to help her.

3) I have positive feelings for this person I think. Maybe it is because I feel we are quite alike. Of course, it could be an illusion on my part again. Therefore, I am keeping this thing under tight control in case it spirals into insanity. I do not sense positivity from her end (except that she kind of admires my state of employment and my ability while in school). All the better. Quite confident that things will be kept under control.

4) I just need company?? The feeling of going out with friends is just... nice. Whether is it GL people or others. I must admit. Going out with females is more appealing than with males for some reason.