Stop Thinking About This!

It has been a few years. Ok. Several years. Or maybe 13 years. When there is nothing occupying the brain, or when the brain encounters certain emotions it is not familiar with, a particular thought will come up - images of power, domination and destruction. Probably because I am engrossed in Japanese animation with these themes. It is true that I used them to drive myself. But recently, I am beginning to think perhaps I am taking these perceptions a little too far - so much so that it has actually become an innate part of me.

I used these images as fuel to drive myself to achieve my objectives and exceed my perceived limits. Of course, these are not the only I can utilize to fuel myself. But I think they are amongst the strongest. It is like people have their idols who they try to emulate. These images/characters are the ones I try to emulate. The upside is that since they are not real-life entities, it is impossible for their images to be corrupted by whatever scandals that could plague their human equivalents. The problem, I think, is that these images are now almost the first thing that come to my mind when I am not engaged in other mental tasks. The brain automatically switches from legitimate neural processes to bringing up these images, I would say, about 90% of the time. I am not psychologist/psychiatrist or even a neurologist. However, I instinctively realized that this cannot be good for my well being.

These images conjures feeling of battle, the desire to duel and the thrill of competition. This is useful when I am engaged in competitions. But outside of competitions, they made me feel that I am only adept at "dueling". Nothing else. That I am "destined" to "duel" to the end. Nothing else. Perhaps this is true. Then again, I am passed the age when I would naively believe in the messages I perceive from these animations-derived images.

I need to exert control over these thoughts. There is more to life than endless competitions. In any case, destruction and domination, by themselves, cannot bring any positive effect to anyone, to any society or to any world. Destruction and domination are just attempts at trying to simplify matters. They work well if your goals are well-defined and when there is a definite end point. But how can anyone destroy and dominate over everything? The actual force driving positive changes is the power to create and to cooperate. I feel that I am just beginning to understand this line of thought. At this point in time, destruction generates a stronger feeling in me compared to creation. A good thing is that domination and cooperation are at equal standing. I must continue to evolve my understanding.

Competitive or Inadequacies?

One thing I like about fb is that I get to know things people are doing (the word voyeur comes to mind). Yet, one thing I hate about fb is that I get to know things people are doing. Doing a double take? It is a love-hate relationship.

Why I hate to know what people are doing? THAT is a very good question. I think a large part is because I perceive them to be doing better than me, or are encroaching on my goals. Ridiculous I know. Absolutely ridiculous. Every person has their own path to take and taking different paths does not mean that one path is better than the other. Person A thriving in one path does not necessarily mean Person B, taking the same path, will achieve the same results. Therefore, it is simply ridiculous to try to compare. Worse is, I do not even know why I am comparing. Logic says, there is no basis for compare. Heart says, I am pathetic because I lost. Well, as usual, logic wins. But this tendency to compare could be due to my competitive nature. Competitions of certain kind makes my blood boil - they make me feel that I have truly come alive. To fight, to defend, to dominate or even to lose to a better opponent. Recently on newspaper, there is this article on perfectionists. According to the test, I am a perfectionist and someone seemingly in need to psychological help at that. Actually, I think the test is not that accurate. True, I concede that I am a perfectionist but so far, I have been able to regulate my perfectionist tendencies relatively well. But could perfectionism, which my competitive streak rises from, also bore profound inadequacies? Because of inadequacies, I strive to compete and to truly beat the competition, I need to be perfect. But the futility of trying to achieve perfection lead to inadequacies. So it is a vicious cycle. Could this be what is really happening?

On another note, there is this question which I also have no answer to. What does it feel like to really like someone. Drama series always portray love/like as willing to go the distance for someone, to continue to like someone even though that someone has betrayed you etc. But is this even realistic in real life? If you like someone, but then things do not go your way or things go wrong, does it mean that I am not really liking that person if I just try to forget about that happened instead of persisting? To one side of the argument, persistence may be a sign of true love. But to the other side of the argument, persistence is just pestering and a futile act. So which view is actually correct? Answer anyone?

Conclusion of Project Final Fantasy

It's been a while I can write an entry. During this period, Project Final Fantasy came to an end. It was enjoyable while it lasted. The chance to work with this class of organism is fantastic. Been reading about them for years. Finally got the opportunity to work with them up close. Never mind the tough work. It was simply exhilarating! AND, it helps that seniors are very very very nice. Nothing to complain about them at all. Learnt a lot from them. Not only stuff about work.

The task was named Project Final Fantasy because the company that produced the game Final Fantasy was in dire financial situation at certain point of time. Final Fantasy game was the last chance they had. It succeeded spectacularly. All gamers will know what Final Fantasy is. For me, initially, Project Final Fantasy was supposed to be the ultimate test of whether I am suited to continue with doing my work. After a horrendous year previously, this is my final chance. Good thing that I was able to eliminate most my errors and bad habits. Things were a lot better this time round (thanks to seniors as well). Well, but looks like I will be continuing my line of work. At least not in the next year. The decision was made based on risk assessment and financial considerations. Every time I heard friends moving into my line of work, I was ruing my missed opportunity. But oh well, there is bound to be trade-offs - costs of opportunities in economics lingo.

Honestly, when I first started on the job, I did not thought I would come so far. Competitors were strong and I have been out of practice for 3 years. On the contrary, my friends were more optimistic about my performance. Recently, I dug up a testimonial by my teacher 7 years ago. Somehow, she acutely sensed that I am a person who is very determined to achieve my goal and with an ability to grasp scientific concepts quickly. Somehow, that bore out. I am amazed at how this piece of writing 7 years ago actually came so close to predicting my current state.

Despite my performance, I can tell you that not every thing is about hardwork and talent. I think the formula for success goes like this: 70% hardwork, 10% luck, 10% knowing the people who can guide you to new height, 5% packaging yourself, 5% talent. So I think I am lucky to meet the right people (seniors and some good friends). And because of this, I am mindful that there are probably people who are as good as me, or better, but did not get the results they deserve because of certain circumstance. But as usual, there are people who ticked me off. No initiative to do work. Even when it is their own work and they know they are going to be graded according, though it is group work. I misjudged one such person and it backfired. I thought this person would be thorough in preparing the work. But no. My trust in this person backfired spectacularly. Some times, people like this make me wonder if I am really that far ahead of the pack and I expected too much from the rest. Or am I too naive and too trusting. In any case, this is a serious lesson to learn - never overestimate people and take things for granted.

Hates Crossroads

Got a reality check on Wednesday. Yes. I knew all along that I am severely lacking in basic knowledge of the field (Once upon a time, I was quite up to date. But after all the rush in doing work, I forgot most of the details). I guess for most people, they would be sad after that session. For me, it was more of shame than sad. True, it was a last minute work due to time constraints. But still, I felt I should have known these facts. Oh well. This is another part of growing up scientifically I guess.

I am constantly reminded of crossroads. What to do when the heart wants to choose a path which it likes, but which offers poor material and social rewards? Logic says to follow where the "bright future" is and stay away from research. "Bright future" offers promise of better working environment, potentially better pay and a much better social life. I think, so far, I have not shown myself to be capable of following this "bright future" path. I am not as interested in it compared to research. However, for all the material reasons and social reasons, it is a better path. Actually, I think social reasons are not that strong. After all, I do not intend to live to a ripe old age. Already, I detest my limits and these limits will only become more pronounced as one age. With this in mind, marriage is a very big question mark. I supposed marriage, for many people my age, is an important reason or is the only reason to socialize. I used to detest marriage, then come to desire it, and now have become rather apathetic to it. I simply cannot imagine going on a date (Yes. This is pathetic. But I think if I really try, I would not fare too badly. The problem is getting interested enough, or more importantly, confident enough to even try). 

To go straight to the point, I do not know whether trading something which I am relatively good at, but which offers poor returns (other than the right to proudly say I sacrificed for mankind [most people would think I am nuts]), for something that offers better returns but remains only a vision, a potential. Is going the "bright future path" but still ended up without a partner but with good pay worse or being stuck as a drone (albeit thinking drone), without a partner and poor pay and potentially some reputation better?

I can ask a hundred people for opinions. But ultimately, what really matters is what I think/want. Not what they think.

Mood Swings

Somehow, I am more prone to mood swings lately. Got it today after listening to this song from Unicorn's OST. Strange... Maybe it is because I have been bottling up quite a bit of emotions. Ah well. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow.

One more interesting observation of myself. Last week (I think it is last week. Short term memory do not function as well these days), senior told me VW passed by the lab. My heart suddenly dropped. First thought was "what is she doing here???". Second thought was a bit of a flash. I cannot really describe it. But I could vaguely feel "something". I think the same kind of feeling happened a few years ago. Another person called me asking how to get to my area. I was awaken from my nap to take the call. Interestingly (or may be it was false memory), I remember asking repeatedly if that person was coming. Turned out that it was about some other matter. Similar kind of feeling.

Like I said. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow. At least for now.

Regrets never having chance to work with some people

Suddenly regrets never having chance to work with some people... Shall name them here. In case I forget in future.... They are mentioned in no particular order though.

1) Cui Rong: Seemingly smart girl, with comparable CAP to boot. Although from polytechnic, but can sense she is a cut above the rest in what she does best. Would be interesting to see her performance up close.
2) Rebecca: Another one from polytechnic. This is a "problem" child. Always asking question. I stress again. ALWAYS. Wonder what kind of insights she would bring into a project. Some might think only the dumb ask questions. But it actually takes a certain amount of thought to be able to ask critical question. You will surely be amazed at the questions she can think of.
3) Terenze: An interesting guy to say the least. Interesting to watch how he handles stuff up close too.
4) Jung-Pu: Might appear average at first sight. But I think she is juggling too many things at one go. Should be fun to see glimpses of genius from her.
5) 2 guys from SPS: One look, and you know they are smart. It's been a long time since I felt constantly
"pressured" by people whose abilities, I think, far exceeds mine. In the past, I did not really like it, since I am usually on the losing end... But now, I actually hoping such people would show up. They need not be "invincible". Just need to be better than me most of the time.
6) Eileen: The one from CFT lab. Looks like a young PI and sounds like a young PI. Hearing how she   handles her project group makes me wonder how we would do together in a group. Too bad she is one year my senior.

Ok. That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Choices

To continue with what I am relatively good at, but with relatively poor future prospects or to venture into a new area which I am relatively weak in but with potentially better future? With choices come costs of opportunity. Sigh... Why can't the area I like be filled with good futures... I guess when it really comes down to survival, practicality triumphs idealism sometimes.

Sometimes, it is better not to make too many considerations and just take a plunge. Thinking too much will only bring out more fear. And when one is paralyzed by fear, one will not proceed forward - which is counter-productive (the purpose of making careful considerations is to reduce chance of making errors and so to move forward faster). That applies to work and other things...

Energy running low these days. Found that I have come to better understand my human limitations and hated it, nonetheless. Whatever. I will need to push myself for the final stretch. This will be, by far, the worst period of time in the 4 years. Then again, it will also the most exciting time.

231 total competitors. 23 direct competitors. Only 1 person I have to surpass - Myself.