Conclusion of Project Final Fantasy

It's been a while I can write an entry. During this period, Project Final Fantasy came to an end. It was enjoyable while it lasted. The chance to work with this class of organism is fantastic. Been reading about them for years. Finally got the opportunity to work with them up close. Never mind the tough work. It was simply exhilarating! AND, it helps that seniors are very very very nice. Nothing to complain about them at all. Learnt a lot from them. Not only stuff about work.

The task was named Project Final Fantasy because the company that produced the game Final Fantasy was in dire financial situation at certain point of time. Final Fantasy game was the last chance they had. It succeeded spectacularly. All gamers will know what Final Fantasy is. For me, initially, Project Final Fantasy was supposed to be the ultimate test of whether I am suited to continue with doing my work. After a horrendous year previously, this is my final chance. Good thing that I was able to eliminate most my errors and bad habits. Things were a lot better this time round (thanks to seniors as well). Well, but looks like I will be continuing my line of work. At least not in the next year. The decision was made based on risk assessment and financial considerations. Every time I heard friends moving into my line of work, I was ruing my missed opportunity. But oh well, there is bound to be trade-offs - costs of opportunities in economics lingo.

Honestly, when I first started on the job, I did not thought I would come so far. Competitors were strong and I have been out of practice for 3 years. On the contrary, my friends were more optimistic about my performance. Recently, I dug up a testimonial by my teacher 7 years ago. Somehow, she acutely sensed that I am a person who is very determined to achieve my goal and with an ability to grasp scientific concepts quickly. Somehow, that bore out. I am amazed at how this piece of writing 7 years ago actually came so close to predicting my current state.

Despite my performance, I can tell you that not every thing is about hardwork and talent. I think the formula for success goes like this: 70% hardwork, 10% luck, 10% knowing the people who can guide you to new height, 5% packaging yourself, 5% talent. So I think I am lucky to meet the right people (seniors and some good friends). And because of this, I am mindful that there are probably people who are as good as me, or better, but did not get the results they deserve because of certain circumstance. But as usual, there are people who ticked me off. No initiative to do work. Even when it is their own work and they know they are going to be graded according, though it is group work. I misjudged one such person and it backfired. I thought this person would be thorough in preparing the work. But no. My trust in this person backfired spectacularly. Some times, people like this make me wonder if I am really that far ahead of the pack and I expected too much from the rest. Or am I too naive and too trusting. In any case, this is a serious lesson to learn - never overestimate people and take things for granted.

Choices

To continue with what I am relatively good at, but with relatively poor future prospects or to venture into a new area which I am relatively weak in but with potentially better future? With choices come costs of opportunity. Sigh... Why can't the area I like be filled with good futures... I guess when it really comes down to survival, practicality triumphs idealism sometimes.

Sometimes, it is better not to make too many considerations and just take a plunge. Thinking too much will only bring out more fear. And when one is paralyzed by fear, one will not proceed forward - which is counter-productive (the purpose of making careful considerations is to reduce chance of making errors and so to move forward faster). That applies to work and other things...

Energy running low these days. Found that I have come to better understand my human limitations and hated it, nonetheless. Whatever. I will need to push myself for the final stretch. This will be, by far, the worst period of time in the 4 years. Then again, it will also the most exciting time.

231 total competitors. 23 direct competitors. Only 1 person I have to surpass - Myself.

Final Stretch to Project Final Fantasy

In a flash, I have less than 2 months to the conclusion of Project Final Fantasy. 3 years preparation for this finale initially seemed very long, but at this point, I wish it was a little longer. This final stretch seems tougher than any period in the previous 7 months. Looking at my datelines, I think I have to forgo many things in this period. Yes. If anyone asks "why do you work so hard?", I will just answer "because I need the grade". If anyone ask "why you want the grade?', I will just answer "for pride". This is true. So far, I did not notice any significant different between people of my class and people of a lower class. The only difference being the desire to come out tops and the speed at which we grasp concepts sometimes and how we organize concepts. Thus the strive for this higher class is just for pride and to a certain extent, for better salaries. As much as I wanted people to believe I am better than the rest, I think in reality, that is not always the case. To insist that I am the best would be mere hubris.

In terms of jobs/career, I am at a crossroad. One between familiar and novelty and between  finance and personal interest. I was offer a job at my current work place. Of course, that would not be a permanent one. I was hoping to get a job to last for one year, while I decide whether to pursue postgraduate studies. If I am apply for foreign univerisities, I would need GRE as well. It is said to be extremely tough and so I would need time to prepare for it anyway. Then, seniors have warned me about the gloomy further of PhDs. It seems like the boat has already left the coast for biomedical research. Low pay, high workload are rampant almost everywhere now. I think with more people getting PhDs, this trend is set to continue as supply of PhDs continue to outstrip demand.

Negative emotions are running high these days. "Dominate" seems to be a word that is constantly flashing across my mind. I guess, while harnessing the drive brought on by these emotions, I have to be wary not to succumb to them. These emotions are not the objectives of education - they are simply the drive to reach greater height, albeit not the positive way.

On another note, it is good that she has moved on. Saw her picture on fb with him. Hopefully this is a new beginning to a wonderful future. Haha. In case you are veering off onto the wrong track, no. There is nothing between us. It is just my "protective" instinct kicking in (Ok ok. And a bit of jealousy too). However, it does reminds me that no matter how I try to move away, I am still engage in a solitude battle.

Forget about festivals

Behind time in work. Need to forget all about festivals. Think only about work.

Got Beaten. Sort of.

Got beaten. An ugly B appeared. Oh well. No question about it. Revenge is on the cards. Looks like the BMS batch iseems to be quite strong. I have to perform at my true level or exceed my level to beat them. Things have just gotten interesting. Not only do I have to beat them, I have to beat myself as well - to grow further and further exceed my limits.

Things have gotten really interesting. Time to put on a real fight. The Final War begins!

Remembering Why I Need to Work Hard(er)

1. To prove I earned my class and is a class above the rest.
2. To prove my ability is not restricted to the theory.
3. To repay the encouragements from my supervisors, seniors and important friends.
4. To redeem myself from the poor performance last year (perhaps the most important reason).

Yes. Now is the time to go all out. Hold nothing back.

12th Western Pacific Congress on Chemotherapy and Infectious Diseases

That was today at Shangri-la hotel. Good thing I went yesterday to scout the place. Or else I would be very late today. The first time I went there was for buffet lunch with the lab at The Line. Very good food. Today, I went there thinking my head will be chopped.

My senior got the Young Investigator Award. Out of over 300 individuals who applied, only 2 were chosen. It is good to be in such good labs. There are a lot of things I can learn. Pretty amazed that I actually had a poster to present, despite being abit short on data. There were more people who stopped by to look and read my poster immediately after I put it up than at the actual poster session. Haha. So my head was not chopped at all. Phew. Many thanks to seniors from both laboratories and my 2 supervisors.

Met 3 people that interest me at the conference. First is the head of Communicable Disease Center. In the past, I only saw her on TV and on newspapers. I actually saw her in person today. My recent goal is to work in CDC. Looks like my boss has some connections there - they are in the same project. May be there is a little bit of chance I can get to work in CDC?

Second is a girl whom I had communicated via email, but not seen in person. She is a PhD student, writing up her thesis now. I consulted her on certain technical stuff. Now that I met her, quite pretty actually. I always wonder why some people can have both good looks and good brains while most of us are stuck with lopsided attributes.

Third is another girl (Yes. Guys do not interest me socially. But there are guys that I admire at work. I admire all the PhD students in my labs. All very capable. Hope I will grow to be like them). Without her, I probably would not have gotten an A+. That time, I was rushing to do experiments, thus missed quite a few lectures. Without her lending me her notes, I most probably would not get an A+. She is also pretty and smart. But... I think she was too busy. She worked at Science Center as a guide. But then because of all these distractions, she did not do so well and could not to go on with the fourth year. I think it is quite sad actually. There are people who just studied and scored in exams without really understanding and without passion for science. They got to fourth year. But decided not to proceed because they did not like science. Rationally, these people should not be blamed for halting the advances of others, like this third girl. But irrationally, I think they are wasting not only their own time, but the chances of others - why bother to work so hard, then give up in the end, when there are people who genuinely want it but got outcompeted by you people because they have other commitments. Like I said, these are irrational thought. Who knows, she might have better opportunities awaiting her. I think she is very sound in terms of technical skills and above average in terms of ability to grasp theory. Hope she will go far in future. Well, if I know of a suitable opening in future, I will definitely recommend her. She is someone I will want to work with and not give my heart attack, unlike some others.

Final War Part I Over

Finished final year part 1. Practically worked at near my maximum capacity for the entire period. Compared to the previous year, when I was languishing in deep, deep pit of no where, this year is better. Of course, there is still much, much, much more room for improvements. But as far as amount of work put in is concerned, I can say I have do not much regrets over lost days.

The brain seems to work better this time too. Compared to the sluggish crawl of the previous year, the brain is almost on hyper mode this semester. Though I am not sure of the outcome, in terms on on-the-spot performance, it feels good to be back to the usual.

After this "Final War Part I", I acutely felt the sense of emptiness. More so than previous 6 periods. No one to go out and "celebrate" with. Either they are still having exams, or need to resume work, or they are occupied with their own close friends. NEED TO GO OUT!!! With Doctor, with Gossip Lane people, with AHS people at least.

Then again, I do not really have the time to "celebrate". There is a conference poster to prepare. Yes. This situation is similar to that of last year. That is why I see this as a chance for redemption. To show that I can surmount this obstacle that I previously did not do so well.

Let the "fun" Final War Part II begin!

Another U-Turn

Somehow, the results don't tally. Sigh... a week after I thought I made another progress, it looks I am back to square one. It happened 2 months back and it happened again... Wasted all that money and efforts. BUT I will sort through the mess and nip it in the bud. Problems like this shall not stop me! I know I sound like some maniac. But as long as I am motivated, almost anything goes [as long as it is not morally wrong or is harming others].

While going through Facebook, I saw the other side of this person. Interesting interesting. In choir, and can play piano. I think I realize why there is this "mis-connection" with this person. She is quite similar to another person. Similar build, similar background, and I think, similar "aura".... Okok. Sometimes, I judge people by their "aura".

Increasingly, I realized the only think I can do well... is well.... study (I think if I am in the natural world, I would be dead by now because I am a "one-trick pony"). Hmm... Maybe it is because I crave perfection in work. That is why I keep restricting myself. But this is changing gradually. Do not get me wrong. It is not that I cannot take failures. Look at the numerous tries in my experiment during optimization phase - but the desire to succeed just keep getting stronger. It is just that I detest the feeling of failure. But then again, I also realized that "if you don't fail, you will never learn".

Project Final Fantasy Update

It has been a long time. Time seem to flash past. Suddenly 11 weeks have come and gone. I think I am really getting used to staying in the lab. Been doing 14-hour work since I don't know when. Compared to previous year, I think I am a lot more interested in this project. A lot a lot more interested. Is it because of what is at stake? Is it because of all the nice people in the lab and my supportive supervisors? Is it because of my pride? Is it because I really liked this organism? Maybe it is a little bit of each. Somehow, work has turned into some kind of personal goal. The goal is no longer only aiming for first class. Rather, it has evolved to include the desire to improve myself (technically and mentally) and perhaps more importantly, to find out what is really happening in the cells. Simple thing: I love my current lab and I love my research and I really wish I could attain the skills faster and become better at it.

On another note, I think group project has revealed to me that I am intolerant of people not performing to standards despite all the help I have given. Of course I am not the best student nor do I know what is correct or perfect answer. But I think people have got to take their responsibilities seriously. 21 years old is considered an adult in legal terms. I do not care how anyone behave outside of work. But work is work and people have got to treat work seriously. Yes, they may have avoided the dreaded project, thinking they are not meant for science. But if you think a little deeper, a project is not just about training your skills in doing experiment and scientific thinking, but also your mental toughness, time management and an array of life skills (including taking responsibilities). Skipping the project actually means they are giving up a chance to learn all these skills. No doubt these can be learnt elsewhere. But since the opportunity already presented itself, why not grasp it? I think the institution has to start to see such projects not merely as training for only future scientists, but also helping to develop better individuals.

Feeling the Stress

Ok. The stress has started to hit me. Experiments are way behind time (thanks to "worms"). Load of notes not yet gone through and memorized. Concurrent projects with datelines close to each other. My getting fat (can feel the fat around my waist) and getting more and more drowsy (probably due to lack of sleep. 6 hours and less is just not enough for me.) Perhaps the only consolation is that I have no other commitment (or maybe that is bad...)

The strategy to tide over all these is not to think of how much I have left, but how to accomplish everything. Things looking daunting when you think of every thing. But if you look into how to tackle them individually, they will appear simpler. Rationalize the problem is the key. Rather than complain and whine, it is better to find a way out of problem. Rise to the challenge. Fight all the way!

What I Meant by "Restart"

When I say restart, I DID NOT, DO NOT and WILL NOT EVER mean seeing "worms"!!!! The sight of wiggling "worms" makes me sick. Real sick. Why am I stuck at this very basic levels. After the good start, everything is unraveling now. Why Why Why...

Restart

After a horrendous 7 weeks, I think I should hit the restart button. Better do it now than later when there is no more time.

Project Final Fantasy Update

I think I am getting used to life revolving around the lab. 6/7 days a week, I come to lab. Usually for 10 hours, minimum of 5 hours a day. I take it as an achievement that I am able to overcome my "unwillingness" to head out to work even on weekend mornings. The days that I did not come to lab because I did not schedule any experiment felt strange, even though I have other work to do at home.

Coming to lab has become a norm. Unlike many people who complained about coming to lab, I think I have blurred the distinction between lab and home. The lab has become my second home. Literally. I spend more time at the lab than at home. I talk more to the people in the lab than to people at home (this is not to say that I will do that to future wife if I ever have one). Yes. Lab is a work place. But increasingly, the people at the lab seem to resemble family members: elder brothers and sisters.

Things are not going well now, partly due to my prior ineptness. Just like the previous year, I feel a sense of guilt coming to lab but not doing anything fruitful on the bench. The feeling is akin to being a free-loader at home. I actually felt that I want to be associated with the lab, to be a "true" member of the lab by acquiring the skills to do so. I do not want to be a member simply because I am in the lab. Perhaps this is the major difference between me and other people: I want to excel in work not only because of the grading. But also because I want to prove myself to be worthy of belonging to this lab. 

Ok. Enough of lab. On other work, I am progressing relatively slowly. I admit I do not feel entirely secure relying on the work of others when doing projects (perhaps this is hubris at work due to performance thus far compared to that of others). Then again, given my tight schedule, I have to rely on others and distribute the work. After learning to work independently, perhaps it is time to learn to trust others and work as a team.  

End to Weekly Update

No more weekly updates.... Progress is soooo slow that there is nothing talking about. Well... there is a lot of negative stuff. Take today for example.

Today is a public holiday. Almost nobody comes to work. I am supposed to several straightforward things:
1. Prepare biochemical
2. Treat cells
3. Plate cells for tomorrow
4. Aliquot FBS
5. Assay organism
6. Test biochemical standard

Item 1: Ok.
Item 2: Ok.
Item 3: The pipette has no marker below 8ml. So I assume it's a 10ml pipette as most of the pipettes in these
           cylinders are 10ml pipettes. I plated the cells. Then I found that I had a lot of excess -- which means
           the pipette is actually a 11ml pipette! Ok. Have to scrap experiment and wait for cells to grow.
Item 4: Ok.
Item 5: After the horror of item 3, I was disheartened. In addition, I need to pH the medium before I can
            use.     The assay will take ~2.5 hours. Anyway, I think I'll go do Item 6 first.
Item 6: Embarrassing failure. Somehow, the pipetting was way off. Yesterday I got R2 of above 0.999.
            (I usually get R2 of above 0.99) Today, I do not even need to plot the graph, I know it is "gone
            case". This proves that I should not do Item 5. Time to pack up and go home.

Lesson learnt: Try to avoid working on public holidays if I can.

HOWEVER, work is still work. No matter what comes, I have to complete it. This is a promise to myself and to many people.

Project Final Fantasy: Week 13.5

Well, B-I-G joke of the week is that I cracked a culture flask with bare hands. Nope. I did not drop it. I broke it because I hit it too hard. Original cells did not work so well. Therefore, I switched cells. These new cells grew slower and and are bigger. So not only I get my cells slower, but I get less cells per flask. Wonderful. More headache. But so long as I do not see bacteria, I am still quite happy. I just need to grow more flasks of the cells for my use.

I think I like the theorizing part of science. I tried to help two friends to think of experiments they can do to improve their project. I found that I actually liked it. Then again, if I cannot do benchwork, no amount of theorizing can help me. Benchwork is the greatest barrier for me, though it has weakened somewhat over the year. Thanks a lot to my previous mentor and my supervisors for the support and pressure. I need some pressure to work, even though some people say I am giving myself a lot of pressure already.

Nightmare That I Cannot Temporarily Wake Up From

How can unfortunate events strike so many times in a span of 7 days? Things get delayed again. I HAVE to wake up from the nightmare. Tasks are now on free-wheeling. I will do whatever I can do. After all, the objectives remain unchanged. Must maintain drive!

Project Final Fantasy Update: Week 12.5

Literature review went well. I think I am really really used to presenting - to the point that I am actually excited to present. Or is that because the chemical signals secreted by the Brain is being mixed up because of prolonged stress? Anyway, I shall take this in a good light. Good things rare come unaccompanied by bad ones. I have to restart the tasks I did so far with a new cell line. Therefore, it is back to the beginning again - while people are making progress. That is fine. I just have to push harder. After all, I want my results to be solid (best if it can be diamond solid) and not full of asterisks and notes.

I think peoples' talk have a way of influencing me. One "hi" to a girl and my seniors think I like the girl. Wonderful isn't it - if only getting a girl to be a girlfriend can be this easy (with a very very very sarcastic tone). Anyway, initially I really feel nothing towards her. Then after this "hi" incident, something did tug somewhere. A similar situation happened 7-8 years ago. I am not falling for the same trap. Not ever.

It is time I made full use of the "twin drives" that I have. I need to surpass those with "false drives".

Additional Lessons for Working in BSC

1. Spray with alcohol, wait for ~5 minutes, then wipe.
2. If the paper towel is disintegrating, change it.
3. Wipe front grille of the BSC as well.
4. If need to draw/dispense into same flask/bottle repeatedly, leave the cap open and place the flasks on the left or at the back. Repeated opening and closing of cap increases risk of contamination.
5. If there is a spill, ignore temporarily (But not until the end!). Cap all bottles or bring out flasks before wiping it.
6. Add/dispense liquid close to the bottom of the flask. 

Project Final Fantasy: Week 11.5

Week 11.5. Assay does not seem to be working although further verification is needed. I suddenly realized my treatment protocol is flawed. Therefore, I have to redo. Anyway, I am using a new system and therefore will have to redo in any case. Oh well, another roadblock. At least I think I am getting really used to the routine of going to work every single day. The only thing I need to be cautious about is to ensure that I really put in 100% concentration when I am working.

Outing with Gossip Lane people again. Probably the final outing, until Project Final Fantasy ends. If memory serves, they are the only ones who made me, to date, having to rush to catch the last train twice. Haha. They are my very good friends (Possibly the best of friends, even though I (sometimes) do feel kinda weird when going out with them. Imagine 1 guy with 6 pretty girls [I really mean it. The part about pretty.]). They wanted me to get top grades "for them". Haha. Very interesting. Even my parents do not bother about such things and they actually said that. This is why I think I am closer to my friends than my parents. Yup. I will. For myself, for them, for my supervisors, for my previous mentor and for my parents (even though they do not care).