Mood Swings

Somehow, I am more prone to mood swings lately. Got it today after listening to this song from Unicorn's OST. Strange... Maybe it is because I have been bottling up quite a bit of emotions. Ah well. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow.

One more interesting observation of myself. Last week (I think it is last week. Short term memory do not function as well these days), senior told me VW passed by the lab. My heart suddenly dropped. First thought was "what is she doing here???". Second thought was a bit of a flash. I cannot really describe it. But I could vaguely feel "something". I think the same kind of feeling happened a few years ago. Another person called me asking how to get to my area. I was awaken from my nap to take the call. Interestingly (or may be it was false memory), I remember asking repeatedly if that person was coming. Turned out that it was about some other matter. Similar kind of feeling.

Like I said. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow. At least for now.

Regrets never having chance to work with some people

Suddenly regrets never having chance to work with some people... Shall name them here. In case I forget in future.... They are mentioned in no particular order though.

1) Cui Rong: Seemingly smart girl, with comparable CAP to boot. Although from polytechnic, but can sense she is a cut above the rest in what she does best. Would be interesting to see her performance up close.
2) Rebecca: Another one from polytechnic. This is a "problem" child. Always asking question. I stress again. ALWAYS. Wonder what kind of insights she would bring into a project. Some might think only the dumb ask questions. But it actually takes a certain amount of thought to be able to ask critical question. You will surely be amazed at the questions she can think of.
3) Terenze: An interesting guy to say the least. Interesting to watch how he handles stuff up close too.
4) Jung-Pu: Might appear average at first sight. But I think she is juggling too many things at one go. Should be fun to see glimpses of genius from her.
5) 2 guys from SPS: One look, and you know they are smart. It's been a long time since I felt constantly
"pressured" by people whose abilities, I think, far exceeds mine. In the past, I did not really like it, since I am usually on the losing end... But now, I actually hoping such people would show up. They need not be "invincible". Just need to be better than me most of the time.
6) Eileen: The one from CFT lab. Looks like a young PI and sounds like a young PI. Hearing how she   handles her project group makes me wonder how we would do together in a group. Too bad she is one year my senior.

Ok. That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Choices

To continue with what I am relatively good at, but with relatively poor future prospects or to venture into a new area which I am relatively weak in but with potentially better future? With choices come costs of opportunity. Sigh... Why can't the area I like be filled with good futures... I guess when it really comes down to survival, practicality triumphs idealism sometimes.

Sometimes, it is better not to make too many considerations and just take a plunge. Thinking too much will only bring out more fear. And when one is paralyzed by fear, one will not proceed forward - which is counter-productive (the purpose of making careful considerations is to reduce chance of making errors and so to move forward faster). That applies to work and other things...

Energy running low these days. Found that I have come to better understand my human limitations and hated it, nonetheless. Whatever. I will need to push myself for the final stretch. This will be, by far, the worst period of time in the 4 years. Then again, it will also the most exciting time.

231 total competitors. 23 direct competitors. Only 1 person I have to surpass - Myself.

Ramblings of the week

Today and yesterday was a mad rush. Yesterday was a rush to perform 3 immunology techniques. Today was a rush to perform second day procedures of 2 of them and to look after my millions of good friends. Oh oh! There was a module test in between as well. Very happening 2 days. Why? Because I want to attend another of Gossip Lane (GL) meetings. Haha. As much as I hate to admit, as much as I think I am different from them, I cannot bear not going (unless of course, going means severely threatening my academic survival). I think it has been some time since such a feeling occurred. Class outings has ceased for a number of years. I guess I am treating GL outings as a replacement for class outings. Except, I am the odd one out here. Well... you see, the rest are females.

In recent years, males increasingly bore me. Somehow, I have come to see them as competitors. A threat to be eliminated. A challenge to be surmounted. Certain females do fall into this group as well, though somehow, I tend to view them with less hostility. . Well... ok. I do differentiate between male friends and male "not-friends". I still get along well with male friends, though I have come to view male "not-friends" with increasing hostility. "Alpha-Male" syndrome? Perhaps.

Two things about GL that attracts me. 1) attractive females 2) unprecedented opportunity to learn more about female psyche (really! presents to give/not to give, dressing, how to handle romance issues. There is always something new to learn through their gossiping).

Seems like LTYS is really going after VW, though it appears VW is unmoved. I think LTYS's courage is commendable, considering his economic ability is rather... weak, given his qualifications. I believe LTYS can do much more. But I think, in his current status and known capabilities, he has a lot of room to improve (see? remember what I say about hostility?). I think he has the potential to do it. The question is whether he can realise this potential. The rest of GL gang is progressing well. Hope this is an upward trend for them all.

Somehow, I think I have always confused between when is it protective instinct at work and when is it that I like someone. Like for WQ, I think I knew from the start that it is protective instinct at play due to the circumstances. But for VW and MS, which is it really? I have no clue. Oh. Before I forget, I kind of feel strange at GL meetings. Somehow, I think they kind of forgot that there is a possibility that I might like one of them. It would be interesting to know if this is really the case or otherwise. If this is the case, then why is this so. Then again, I cannot ask directly. Knowing them, more guessing will come, meaning more troubles.

Ah. After this many lines about GL, time to shift focus to work. Work has been piling up. One of my modules appears to be totally beyond my grasp. Perhaps I have overestimated my capabilities. Good thing I do have life-lines that I can use to bail me out. But I think I have lost a lot of interest in modules. All I am interested in is Project Final Fantasy because it is the key to my class. That is not all. Project Final Fantasy is my hobby turned reality. It is also my avenue for redemption. For someone who has failed in 2 of 3 JC prelims exams and has continued the trend of being lousy at benchwork throughout most of his subsequent academic history, Project Final Fantasy presents a great leap in my abilities. From fumbling at first attempts to being able to do reasonably well from the start. From not knowing what problems to look out for to being able to decide how best to do an experiment. I think I have grown a lot in the past year. Must really thank my previous mentor and my current seniors for their help. I think when I am immersed in an environment with strong role models, I will also grow stronger faster. Yes. The competition is stiff. But strong competitors can bring me to the next level. However, despite my perceived improvements, I think Project Final Fantasy might end up like its namesake - that this could be my final project in science.

Drafts to submit. Tests to study. Presentations to prepare. All in a span of 8 weeks. Dare I say that this period is the true test of capabilities and determination for anyone. I think my competitors are slightly ahead of me. Therefore, I have to pull out my inner "hollow" to bolster my strength.

Put An End to Negativity

Been extremely negative for the past few weeks. Maybe it is the stress getting to me - from having to re-do experiments and tons of other work to do. I have gotten to the state which I can even fall asleep on the train while standing (and nearly falling down each time). Too many unknowns at work and too little time to iron them out. Oh well. I think the scope of my project is a little too wide anyway. From now on, I shall just do whatever I can and worry less. 5 weeks more to judgement.

Talked to VW again. Surprisingly bumped into her on my way to lunch. Somehow, I think we are on the same boat, just different stages. She has graduated, I am graduating. Both looking at post-graduating studies as a possible future. I have been advised multiple times not to jump straight into further studies but to take time to see the industry and, amid the rush for results, have become withdrawn from laboratory work. She has experienced one month of of a postgraduate student's life and was starting to feel the amount of uncertainty is a little too much for comfort. While I have can take a break from research without significant repercussion, she has to repay her scholarship if she wants out. Just mumbling this out since the decision is hers and I cannot help her much. I got experienced people to talk to her already. I guess the ball is in her court now.

Ah yes. Valentine's Day tomorrow. A dreadful day for me. Shall hide in laboratory and not go out unless necessary.

No Festive Mood

I am supposed to be full of festive mood this season. After all, this is the day the Earth starts another new revolution around the Sun and the new zodiac sign takes its position. Then again, I have absolutely no mood at all. Why? I do not really know. Maybe my mindset has aged 20 years ahead of my actual age. I feel like I am becoming a self-depreciating, yet self-righteous old uncle. Full of contradictions yes?

On the days I am supposed to enjoy the festive goodies and put on smiles when I go visiting, I found myself drowning in self-depreciating thoughts. I think I have BOTH inferiority complex AND superiority complex, depending on the situation. Wonderful! I do not think anyone can be more contradictory than me. Hah! (I apologize for my "not-so-sane"... words.)

Looks like it is true. Festive periods can do strange things to the minds. Good thing there is some paper work to keep me kind of occupied. Finally I get to have some "quality" time with my notes (With a little tinge of underlying sarcasm. But I do appreciate that I finally get some time to go over my notes.) They are the line that keeps me from thinking too far out.

Final Stretch to Project Final Fantasy

In a flash, I have less than 2 months to the conclusion of Project Final Fantasy. 3 years preparation for this finale initially seemed very long, but at this point, I wish it was a little longer. This final stretch seems tougher than any period in the previous 7 months. Looking at my datelines, I think I have to forgo many things in this period. Yes. If anyone asks "why do you work so hard?", I will just answer "because I need the grade". If anyone ask "why you want the grade?', I will just answer "for pride". This is true. So far, I did not notice any significant different between people of my class and people of a lower class. The only difference being the desire to come out tops and the speed at which we grasp concepts sometimes and how we organize concepts. Thus the strive for this higher class is just for pride and to a certain extent, for better salaries. As much as I wanted people to believe I am better than the rest, I think in reality, that is not always the case. To insist that I am the best would be mere hubris.

In terms of jobs/career, I am at a crossroad. One between familiar and novelty and between  finance and personal interest. I was offer a job at my current work place. Of course, that would not be a permanent one. I was hoping to get a job to last for one year, while I decide whether to pursue postgraduate studies. If I am apply for foreign univerisities, I would need GRE as well. It is said to be extremely tough and so I would need time to prepare for it anyway. Then, seniors have warned me about the gloomy further of PhDs. It seems like the boat has already left the coast for biomedical research. Low pay, high workload are rampant almost everywhere now. I think with more people getting PhDs, this trend is set to continue as supply of PhDs continue to outstrip demand.

Negative emotions are running high these days. "Dominate" seems to be a word that is constantly flashing across my mind. I guess, while harnessing the drive brought on by these emotions, I have to be wary not to succumb to them. These emotions are not the objectives of education - they are simply the drive to reach greater height, albeit not the positive way.

On another note, it is good that she has moved on. Saw her picture on fb with him. Hopefully this is a new beginning to a wonderful future. Haha. In case you are veering off onto the wrong track, no. There is nothing between us. It is just my "protective" instinct kicking in (Ok ok. And a bit of jealousy too). However, it does reminds me that no matter how I try to move away, I am still engage in a solitude battle.