I have all/most of the armaments. But am I able to wield them skilfully?

Armaments = notes/information/knowledge

Like the title said. This is my current problem. Actually, amassing too many armaments is also a bad thing. Too many options. By the time I finished "training", the "battle" would have been over.

6 days into break. Every single day is a struggle of trying to stay awake and coping with the insatiable appetite. Felt sleepy all day long. Perhaps this is because I have slept too little in the previous months. Now, even sleeping 8 hours a day is not enough. As for appetite, well.... just imagine trying to look for food like once every hour. Or eating massive amount of food during breakfast/lunch/dinner. I think if this goes on, I can say hello to the Doctor very soon.

Ok. Someone led me to re-look my current priorities. One: This person  (or actually, people) had the mood for birthday celebrations at a time when a major project is going on. Two:  This person, who has usually been scoring lower than me, actually emailed past year questions to me.

Point One: Okok. Maybe I am the weird one. My birthday holds no significance for me (though I believe otherwise for certain people). It is just the day I am born. Nothing more. I have not anything special or earth-breaking for anyone to commemorate this day either. Then again, judging from the actions of people around me, yes. Birthdays are important dates. From this, it is super duper obvious that I am a very negative person. A senior put it very well - A day lost in lab may not matter. But to miss out on important social activity will have a bigger impact. Need to re-look priorities. Also, I need to go out more. Maybe I will reconsider going to that Christmas gathering.

Point Two: Very generous person I must say. The papers are freely available. One just have to look for them. I actually have them prior to that email. If you bother to refer to that post where I spouted things about "competitive edge", you would have probably guessed I would not reveal such information to anyone, unless it is someone who really needed help or someone asked me for it (I tend to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. Unless I have judged that the person really needed help or it is something basic that everyone should know or we are in the same group. Or there is no conflict of interest/goals.). But this person actually just emailed to all her friends. Looking back, either I am selfish, or overly competitive. Need to reflect - on a simple gesture that actually set me thinking.

Temporary Break from Laboratory

Got a temporary break from lab to handle a more pressing matter. Just before the break, 3 major events occur.

1. During a presentation, my group happens to be the last to present. However, because the previous groups took up too much time, we had only 15 minutes to present 20-25  minutes worth of material. I cannot understand why Year 4 students cannot keep their presentation to the stipulated time limit. Yes. You are busy with experiments. But I am busy with experiments too. Why should I be penalized because of your laziness to trim your presentation? I got kind of worked up and went straight to the lecturer's office to request for a presentation. Thankfully, he acceded to our request. Somehow, I think the current me has became a lot more assertive when it comes to things that matter. (Note: I just realized that the paper which has taken over 30 minutes to present actually could be done within the time limit. Either I have overestimated the abilities of that group, or they are indeed too busy to put in effort to properly present the paper.)

2. For another assignment, I took a very long time to search for a good and novel topic to write. Took too much time and ended up starting to write the essay just the night before submission. I managed to submit 11 minutes before deadline. This is, by far, the most last minute desperate rush for time I have experienced for assignment submission. Seniors said I think too much. But then I think my essay still has several loopholes that I was not able to adequately cover. Oh well... It was an extremely thrilling experience but it is best to avoid such situations. I may not be able to survive next time.

3. An old friend of mine, who has been trying to "encourage" me to go after someone, turned around and accused me of bugging that person. One thing that I absolutely cannot tolerate is someone falsely accusing of something I have been working hard to avoid doing. This is ridiculous. I hit back. But perhaps, a little too hard... Speaking of "go after", this seems to be quite a common topic in the lab after an event last week. Almost drove me nuts.

Work has finally caught up

After feigning ignorance for so long to concentrate on laboratory work, module work has finally caught up with me. Dateline is 5 days away. I have narry a clue of what to write for the essay. It has to be novel, it has to be plausible. There are a few candidates... but all of them are not perfect. I guess if I am pushed to the wall, I will choose the best candidate among these to write. So far, I am able to keep up with laboratory work, though optimization is taking up a lot of time...

Oh social front, after the Wednesday and Thursday, my heart has been out of sorts (brain and heart are separate entities for me - brain is the more logical one, and heart the emotional one). Think of someone who has just struck lottery and is comtemplating whether to continue buying or to stop because he/she acutely and logically knows that this is a one-off event. On the other hand, he/she also feels that perhaps luck may once again smile on him/her. Brain is quite sure that is a one-off event but heart thinks otherwise. It is taking very long for the heart and brain to settle their arguments... Going straight up to ask is the most direct but the worst thing to do. Perhaps the high level of stress from work and the sudden oasis of calm that event has brought has contributed to the maelstrom that is now stirring. Need to filter these distractions out.

(For the record, I dislike betting and do not encourage anyone to gamble, except for pure leisure [definittely not to make money via gambling].)

Realization

The outing tonight (or more accurately, last night) kind of paid off. It sort of put paid to any fantasy idea. I think it is both good and bad. Good because I can totally erase that thought. Bad because... hmm... one lost chance?

I can suddenly see the future. At mid twenties, I will be pondering over career options. At early to mid thirties or even late twenties, I will be fretting over being "left on the shelf" and making desperate attempts to rectify my apathy in the past one or two decade.   

Distracted

Heh. Just got distracted by someone. Suddenly realized it is actually quite nice to have so many people wishing you happy birthday. Then again, this totally goes against being invisible, which seems to be my favourite past time. Haha. Ok. Now is NOT the time to think about any someone. Since I am a person who only knows how to "fight, fight and fight" to achieve goals at work (rarely anywhere else perhaps because I want to relax elsewhere), and work is really really important now, I shall just focus on that.

Okok. I know. Maybe I may miss that any someone. Then it is good riddance to the bad genes I carry, don't you think so? (Getting a little crazy here because of lack of sleep.)

Ah yes. While I was bathing, an idea for further experiment came to me. Looks like I need to buy another antibody... Work work work. I actually enjoy work. Hahaha.

Another U-Turn

Somehow, the results don't tally. Sigh... a week after I thought I made another progress, it looks I am back to square one. It happened 2 months back and it happened again... Wasted all that money and efforts. BUT I will sort through the mess and nip it in the bud. Problems like this shall not stop me! I know I sound like some maniac. But as long as I am motivated, almost anything goes [as long as it is not morally wrong or is harming others].

While going through Facebook, I saw the other side of this person. Interesting interesting. In choir, and can play piano. I think I realize why there is this "mis-connection" with this person. She is quite similar to another person. Similar build, similar background, and I think, similar "aura".... Okok. Sometimes, I judge people by their "aura".

Increasingly, I realized the only think I can do well... is well.... study (I think if I am in the natural world, I would be dead by now because I am a "one-trick pony"). Hmm... Maybe it is because I crave perfection in work. That is why I keep restricting myself. But this is changing gradually. Do not get me wrong. It is not that I cannot take failures. Look at the numerous tries in my experiment during optimization phase - but the desire to succeed just keep getting stronger. It is just that I detest the feeling of failure. But then again, I also realized that "if you don't fail, you will never learn".

Project Final Fantasy Update

It has been a long time. Time seem to flash past. Suddenly 11 weeks have come and gone. I think I am really getting used to staying in the lab. Been doing 14-hour work since I don't know when. Compared to previous year, I think I am a lot more interested in this project. A lot a lot more interested. Is it because of what is at stake? Is it because of all the nice people in the lab and my supportive supervisors? Is it because of my pride? Is it because I really liked this organism? Maybe it is a little bit of each. Somehow, work has turned into some kind of personal goal. The goal is no longer only aiming for first class. Rather, it has evolved to include the desire to improve myself (technically and mentally) and perhaps more importantly, to find out what is really happening in the cells. Simple thing: I love my current lab and I love my research and I really wish I could attain the skills faster and become better at it.

On another note, I think group project has revealed to me that I am intolerant of people not performing to standards despite all the help I have given. Of course I am not the best student nor do I know what is correct or perfect answer. But I think people have got to take their responsibilities seriously. 21 years old is considered an adult in legal terms. I do not care how anyone behave outside of work. But work is work and people have got to treat work seriously. Yes, they may have avoided the dreaded project, thinking they are not meant for science. But if you think a little deeper, a project is not just about training your skills in doing experiment and scientific thinking, but also your mental toughness, time management and an array of life skills (including taking responsibilities). Skipping the project actually means they are giving up a chance to learn all these skills. No doubt these can be learnt elsewhere. But since the opportunity already presented itself, why not grasp it? I think the institution has to start to see such projects not merely as training for only future scientists, but also helping to develop better individuals.