Restart

After a horrendous 7 weeks, I think I should hit the restart button. Better do it now than later when there is no more time.

Project Final Fantasy Update

I think I am getting used to life revolving around the lab. 6/7 days a week, I come to lab. Usually for 10 hours, minimum of 5 hours a day. I take it as an achievement that I am able to overcome my "unwillingness" to head out to work even on weekend mornings. The days that I did not come to lab because I did not schedule any experiment felt strange, even though I have other work to do at home.

Coming to lab has become a norm. Unlike many people who complained about coming to lab, I think I have blurred the distinction between lab and home. The lab has become my second home. Literally. I spend more time at the lab than at home. I talk more to the people in the lab than to people at home (this is not to say that I will do that to future wife if I ever have one). Yes. Lab is a work place. But increasingly, the people at the lab seem to resemble family members: elder brothers and sisters.

Things are not going well now, partly due to my prior ineptness. Just like the previous year, I feel a sense of guilt coming to lab but not doing anything fruitful on the bench. The feeling is akin to being a free-loader at home. I actually felt that I want to be associated with the lab, to be a "true" member of the lab by acquiring the skills to do so. I do not want to be a member simply because I am in the lab. Perhaps this is the major difference between me and other people: I want to excel in work not only because of the grading. But also because I want to prove myself to be worthy of belonging to this lab. 

Ok. Enough of lab. On other work, I am progressing relatively slowly. I admit I do not feel entirely secure relying on the work of others when doing projects (perhaps this is hubris at work due to performance thus far compared to that of others). Then again, given my tight schedule, I have to rely on others and distribute the work. After learning to work independently, perhaps it is time to learn to trust others and work as a team.  

THE LAST STRAW

Ok. I have had enough. I will not spare anymore alcohol and I will now take extreme measures to ensure that I will not see cocci and/or rods in whatever I do.

To help or not to help?

There is this friend who I think is lamenting over why I did not help her. Of course, she did not mention any names. However, based on series of events occurring recently, I strongly believe she is referring to me. So why I did not help her?

1. 
   
   There is this presentation which requires each of us to select a scientific paper to present. I have chosen mine with help from my seniors (eventually, I switch to a more appropriate paper. The one recommended by my senior was really good. However, I later realised it does not fit into the scope of the presentations very well and therefore switched to, what I think, is a more appropriate paper). She has not chosen hers and asked me to help. How can I help? I cannot suggest papers from my topic because my presentation comes before hers. If she presents the same topic as I did, the novelty will be gone. This is actually not good for her.
2. 
   
   I think she is rather dependent on people and this has to change. For her first research presentation, she actually thought to seek help from our teaching assistant, who is in a different laboratory from us, to vet her presentation. My working policy is: Do not involve people who are not working directly with you because they have their own work to do. I think getting people to take notes for lectures which you missed due to work is fine, since it is in the way (I will offer mine when the friend needs my copy (mutual help) and it minimally troubles the lender). Getting people to do additional stuff out of their way is not right. Prior to exams last semester, she asked what is my schedule for revision and wants to follow my schedule. Everyone's schedule is different and their ability is different. So my schedule may not work for you. Anyway, I have not thought of a schedule at that time.
3. 
   
   She went ahead to take 4 modules, despite knowing she has a lot of laboratory work to do. Yes. It is true she has to clear a compulsory module before graduation. However, I think she should have known better (after 1 year of laboratory work) - modules are a major disruption to laboratory work. Since you know the risks and decide to take them, you should be prepared for what comes. Everyone has to live to the consequences of their decisions. You cannot expect to do something and if that something goes awry, you absolve yourself of all blames.
4. 
   
   Grading is done on a percentile system (bell-shaped curve). Therefore, I think everyone is competing against everyone. However, I am not so competitive and unfriendly that I do not give help or advice to anyone. I do respond to questions she (or anyone) asks and explain in as much detail as I can everytime. Sometimes, I also alerted her to new information, though sometimes, I just tell her where to find it and not the information itself. She can, also, read up for herself based on the papers referenced on the lecture notes if she does not understand. That is what I do most of the time instead of calling people up to ask (I only call if it is a very urgent matter). In fact, she does read up by herself.
5. 
   
   We are no longer kids. While we can ask for help if we are genuinely lost, I think we have to consider the fact that we are actually all competitors. No amount of white-washing or playing friends is going to change that. As friends, we will help each other as much as possible. However, in my opinion, we all have a right to protect our competitive edge and should respect those of others because we (or they) develop these advantages through hardwork. This is how major countries and corporations work and I see no reason why this should not applied to daily lives. When she told me she made notes from readings of a particular part of a module, I was tempted to ask her for the notes. However, I acutely felt, as well, that this is her work (hours of reading) and it would be unfair to her if I just ask her to cede her advantage. Therefore, I did not broach the topic.

After reading all these, you may feel that I am overly competitive or taking things too seriously or being too rigid in thinking. I have to say that she is not that helpless. In fact, she has shown herself to be more capable than me on several occasions. I do admire her for her efforts sometimes. It is true that through sharing, we all can all learn something from one another. However, I feel we all have the right to protect our key competitive edge from direct competitors. To deny competition exist is unrealistic. While we all hate our limitations and desire someone who can help us as much as we want, we will not grow as fast. I think this is the stage when we really grow from teenagers to adults. Too much help given is not good.

One last note: If you still think I am justifying my over-competitiveness, I concede that is true to some extent. I am trying to rein in my over-competitiveness.

End to Weekly Update

No more weekly updates.... Progress is soooo slow that there is nothing talking about. Well... there is a lot of negative stuff. Take today for example.

Today is a public holiday. Almost nobody comes to work. I am supposed to several straightforward things:
1. Prepare biochemical
2. Treat cells
3. Plate cells for tomorrow
4. Aliquot FBS
5. Assay organism
6. Test biochemical standard

Item 1: Ok.
Item 2: Ok.
Item 3: The pipette has no marker below 8ml. So I assume it's a 10ml pipette as most of the pipettes in these
           cylinders are 10ml pipettes. I plated the cells. Then I found that I had a lot of excess -- which means
           the pipette is actually a 11ml pipette! Ok. Have to scrap experiment and wait for cells to grow.
Item 4: Ok.
Item 5: After the horror of item 3, I was disheartened. In addition, I need to pH the medium before I can
            use.     The assay will take ~2.5 hours. Anyway, I think I'll go do Item 6 first.
Item 6: Embarrassing failure. Somehow, the pipetting was way off. Yesterday I got R2 of above 0.999.
            (I usually get R2 of above 0.99) Today, I do not even need to plot the graph, I know it is "gone
            case". This proves that I should not do Item 5. Time to pack up and go home.

Lesson learnt: Try to avoid working on public holidays if I can.

HOWEVER, work is still work. No matter what comes, I have to complete it. This is a promise to myself and to many people.

Project Final Fantasy: Week 13.5

Well, B-I-G joke of the week is that I cracked a culture flask with bare hands. Nope. I did not drop it. I broke it because I hit it too hard. Original cells did not work so well. Therefore, I switched cells. These new cells grew slower and and are bigger. So not only I get my cells slower, but I get less cells per flask. Wonderful. More headache. But so long as I do not see bacteria, I am still quite happy. I just need to grow more flasks of the cells for my use.

I think I like the theorizing part of science. I tried to help two friends to think of experiments they can do to improve their project. I found that I actually liked it. Then again, if I cannot do benchwork, no amount of theorizing can help me. Benchwork is the greatest barrier for me, though it has weakened somewhat over the year. Thanks a lot to my previous mentor and my supervisors for the support and pressure. I need some pressure to work, even though some people say I am giving myself a lot of pressure already.

Nightmare That I Cannot Temporarily Wake Up From

How can unfortunate events strike so many times in a span of 7 days? Things get delayed again. I HAVE to wake up from the nightmare. Tasks are now on free-wheeling. I will do whatever I can do. After all, the objectives remain unchanged. Must maintain drive!