Operation Kill Sloth

For the past 3 months, I look like an idiot, sound like an idiot, must be an idiot. Granted, managing human-human relations is not my forte. Despite this, I do realize that if I do not ameliorate my ability in this, I will get no where. Despite what some people may think, soft skills are extremely important - they form the core of a person's ability. You can have all the knowledge in the world. But soft skills is needed to make people listen to you and to believe you. Without knowledge, you have no credibility. Without soft skills, you are a misfit.

Kill Slot:. I need to whack my inner sloth harder. I have been wasting my weekends these days. Unacceptable for a newbie (actually, more of a noob). I reminisce the past year when I am able to bring myself to work even on weekends, rain or shine. Now, weekends seem to be a time to relax. True, I need to relax a bit. The problem is that I seem to relax to much. The Sloth is stronger than my other self now and I must find my old self before it is too late.

Strangely felt like asking CR out yesterday for dinner at Vivocity. She agreed. Let's see. This is the.... 3rd time I asked an individual out. There is my Sis and another person. That was years ago. I did spend time with people alone. But not asking people out individually. Why I ask her out? Good question. Let's see.

1) I see myself in her. I got to where I am because of luck (in addition to hard work and some talent of course). I think this is what sets us apart. If I were to take her path, I am quite sure I would be in the same state as her. That is why I would like to help her if I can, if it does not infringes any moral/legal issues.

2) I can understand how she feels now - the pressure to secure a job, coupled with the uncertainty of whether her own ability is sufficient to take on the job. I can totally understand. Been through that phase 4 years ago. But I do not really know how she thinks. Part of me wants to know her better to see how to help her.

3) I have positive feelings for this person I think. Maybe it is because I feel we are quite alike. Of course, it could be an illusion on my part again. Therefore, I am keeping this thing under tight control in case it spirals into insanity. I do not sense positivity from her end (except that she kind of admires my state of employment and my ability while in school). All the better. Quite confident that things will be kept under control.

4) I just need company?? The feeling of going out with friends is just... nice. Whether is it GL people or others. I must admit. Going out with females is more appealing than with males for some reason.

Just saying what I want

Ran on Tuesday. Fell. Scraped my knees. No gauze at home. No gauze at shops downstairs. Dad worried but don't know what to do. Mum didn't even bother (If Hazeline Snow works, wouldn't you think hospitals would be using them by now?). Slept facing up that night so I would not stain my bed. Injury not too bad. So it wasn't too much of a concern. Just a little inconvenience. What bothers me more is that no one can help/bothers to even worry a bit. Just proves that I cannot depend on parents anymore (or a certain person didn't really care, as long as I did not inconvenience that person). Friends bothered more than that person. No wonder I like my friends much better.

Today. Spoke to XY about stuff. I actually talk quite a bit. Surprised. Then at dinner, revealed more. I think I have changed. In the past, I would feel the need to step up my efforts. Now, I will analyze, weigh options and not be rash. Good. Very good.

Re-start: Project Final Fantasy II

Cancelled NT-D. I was not motivated enough during this period. Decided to forge ahead with Project Final Fantasy II. Hope it would be as successful as its game counter part.

So I graduated and started working. Below is a preliminary list of what I ought to do:

Finances:
1) Begin plan to repay parents and aunts (amount to be worked out, taking into account point 2).
2) Begin to take charge of bills (phone bills) and pay for family grocery.
3) Begin to consider certain form of investment (bank interest is ridiculously low).
Social:
1) Stop feeling self-conscious and start to play the sociable person. Never mind about feeling weird.
2) Engage everyone. BUT still be nicer to certain people.
3) Reduce Facebook time if there is no one to chat with.
Physical:
1) Stick to exercise programme. Gym twice and run twice a week.
Mental:
1) Consider MBA or Master's in Public Health
Personal:
1) No more wasting weekends. Do office work or read up to improve self or meet friends.
2) Consider learning s******* and c******.

Post-Commencement High

2 days after Commencement and I am still feeling high. Uploaded pictures to facebook, kept checking friends' updates and photos. Totally enjoying this euphoria. : )))))

Let's do a quick stock take of the 4 years and the very very important people I met

Year 1:

Did badly at CAs. Barely passed most of them. Practicals were a flop as well, especially organic chemistry practicals. Good think seniors (Vincent Oei) gave pointers on how to write good reports. Met favourite TA, Chuu Ling (she looks and feels like my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Choo). Beginning of 4 years with good friend Yi Lian. We ended up taking many many core modules together.

Remembered the pathetic trembling when I was doing presentation for Intro to Computing. This is probably one of the worst presentation I gave, along with Council meeting 2 weeks ago... Pleasant surprise when I got my first results slip. 4.8 + dean's list no. 1 in sem 1 and then 4.9 + dean's list no. 2 in sem 2! Totally unexpected. Unexpected that my Biodiversity module got an A+! I admit that this is one of the core module that I had the least interest in. Translation module was fun and I like Prof. Ho a lot.

This was the first time I had to stay up late the night before exams to finish studying and it would continue this way the next 4 years. I was worried about being a one-hit wonder (i.e. dean's list for only once, or for only 1 year) then.

Year 2:

The year when memorizing is the order of the day. Cell biology and metabolism. I remembered for cell biology, I was feeling that my brain is absorbing the info so slowly... Metabolism, I memorized all the pathways. Quite proud of it. But it was hazy then and I forgot almost everything now. 

Grace advised I switch combination from 2101+2102 in 1st sem to 2103+2104 in first sem. Think it was the right move. 4.7 + dean's list no. 3 in sem 1 and 4.8 + dean's list no. 4 in sem 2. Met Yin Ning and Wei San at Bioinfo group. Also took Immunology at Year 2 when it was a Year 3 module. Got A+ for it. Haha. Though I studied everything, I managed to predict a question correct and did extra reading. That helped quite a bit I think.

Got A for Year 2 stats module, in addition to the A for Year 1 stats module. A very big relieve since maths was one of my weaker subjects in earlier part of my life. Took another translation mod with Sis. Haha. My first B+. At least I took 1 module with her in school. I didn't bother to S/U it. B+ is not bad. Why S/U it?
Took dynamics of interpersonal effectiveness. I know communication is important and I am lacking there. So I took. Many people took because it was easy. BUT easy it was not. The concepts are rather easy to grasp and lectures seem redundant. However, the way to answer question is the tricky bit. I managed to grasp the way the lecturer think and got an A-which means I have much to learn about communications actually.

Perhaps the most important module in year 2: experimental cell and molecular biology. Luckily had Chuu Ling as TA again. Got to know Lin Hui, Jake, Hannah and Yvonne.

Year 3

Took UROPS with Prof. Chew. I was hesitating that time. Yi Lian was quite sure she wanted to take UROPS. I knew the value of a UROPS, but was fretting over meeting supervisors. Got to thank Yi Lian for this. Met Jiang Nan and Grace Koh, my mentor and senior for UROPS. It was quite a disappointing experience. For all my CAP, i realised I sucked big time at research. Most memorable event was getting shouted at by Prof. Chew at S2 Level 4 seminar room 1 for not interpreting results more cautiously. It was a good learning experience, though I felt I did not live up to expectations and let my mentor and seniors down. I was feeling so stressed up at the paediatric lab that I actually dreaded going over. I got an A though. It was not something I am proud of.

BUT besides research experience is that I got to know the GossipLane people. Those are the 1st people in my life who told me to go get a 1st class for them. Never has anyone said that to me - not even my parents. They are someone very special and important to me.

Yielded another B+ for Structural Biology, a core module! I knew it was a goner after the exams. Could not finish almost 40% of the questions! Felt my brain moved really really really slowly. First time I missed out on Dean's list in sem 1 (4.5) but managed to get in again in sem 2.

Sem 2 was more interesting. My fav module: infectious disease! Thanks Jung-Pu for her extra notes. Probably helped in getting my A+. Got 2nd highest for CA for Tumor biology (a year 4 mod). Quite surprised. Me, a year 3 student, actually got 2nd highest in the year 4 module.

Year 4

Chose to leave Prof. Chew's lab to do what I really wanted to do: Virology research!!! After a big turn, managed to work in Prof. Ng's lab. I chose Prof. Ng because 1) she is a full professor (better brand name?) 2) IT'S VIROLOGY. Started Project Final Fantasy - a codename for my FYP. I thought if i screwed this up again, I will have proven myself incapable of research. Good thing it did not "crash and burn". Haha.

It was a blast at the Lab. Loved my seniors at Prof. Ng's lab and Prof. Deng's lab. The hours were long. But somehow, the idea of working with viruses and the aim to get 1st class drove me. Seniors gave lots of advice as well. Gotta thank all those seniors lots.
An ugly B appeared for Toxicology. Must be because I mistook one Prof's answer for another. They were teaching similar topics. So I forgot to note who asked that question in the exam and happily wrote the wrong Prof's answer in. Oh well.

But I topped the class for Advanced Cell Biology! No prize though. Oh Oh! Not to forget. My FYP supervisor, who is also lecturer for this module used my name as the protagonist on one of her questions. It was weird trying to answer a question with my name on it. Haha. Protein engineering is definitely one of my favourite module. Loved the way how scientists can create novel proteins and loved my Zinc Finger Nuclease!!!

Between Functional Genomics and Genetic Medicine in Sem 2, I chose the latter. Kind of tired of only learning techniques and not other aspect of life sciences. I wasn't disappointed. I managed to learn more about genetic studies, something that was missed out in the curriculum thus far. Very amazed at the sequencing technology today and how great products can come out when we combine biology, chemistry, physics and engineering. The presentation was a gruelling one and up till year 4, I couldn't do Hardy-Weinberg question.
For FYP, I realised how bad I am at writing. But I think I did quite well for poster presentation. Was enjoying the interaction with my examiners.

Conclusion:

So after 4 years,

in terms of academic achievements, I obtained 6 dean's list (out of 8 possible), 20% of my grades were A+, did not use a single S/U, gained an award for being the top student of my concentration and a better appreciation of life science research AND I managed to live out my dreams of dabbling in life sciences for 4 years. Loved the subject!
In terms of friends, I am especially happy to have known GossipLane people, Jiang Nan, 2202 bench people, Yin Ning, Wei San, Jung Pu, Advanced Cell Biology people, everyone in Prof. Ng's and Prof. Deng's lab.
In terms of character, I am glad that I came out a more determined and driven person. Not necessarily smarter, but more willing to pursue something to the end.

It was a great time to have worked with everyone.
Still, academic achievement is but only one part of life. There is a lot that I have to learn and there are many many thing I can learn from others.

Growth Spurt

Not physical growth spurt of course. I am well past that growth spurt age. I am referring to mental growth spurt. 7 weeks going into new job, feels extremely green. Granted, my experience is in the labs and this is my 1st job. But I cannot help but feel I am not performing at all. So far, it is more of a learning thing. How to write good emails, do good presentations, understand working of the company, etc. Consistently, I realized one thing: I sucked at communicating. Well, it didn't seem that way in the past. But now, the problem shows up more acutely.

Another thing is that I need to slow down my thoughts. Last Tuesday, my mind sped way ahead of my tongue. Words came out gibberish. This is ridiculous!!! Never happened before. Lesson Learnt: Control Speed. Organize thoughts first. Speak s-l-o-w-e-r. Argh!!! Then just yesterday, I was too quick with my email. This person irritated and I replied back. Then regretted the way I phrase my email. Lesson learnt: Don't press "send" immediately. THINK FIRST!! 

If you think I am just going to weep over it and throw in the towel, you cannot be further from the truth. True, I dreaded going to work every morning. True, I kept hoping for weekend to come (something that I have never done before). True, I feel sad when educated by boss. BUT this is all part of becoming stronger.

In the past 2 years, I have gotten beyond the stage of being upset because of getting scolded. Now, I am more upset about why did I not done better/anticipated in the 1st place and NOT because of getting scolded. Anyway, "scold" is not a good word. I feel that a better word is "educate". With every "scolding", I get better, which is a good thing.

Right now, I cannot deny that my performance thus far has been disappointing. It used to be that I grasp concepts quite naturally. But now, things are quite complex to me. It used to be that I do not have to interact with many people (in fact, I probably could have survived by myself. But I will be extremely lonely). But now, I have to interact with many many many people.

All I have to say is, I should savour the learning experience. I have to and want to become stronger and better. This is actually the perfect position to do so. Somehow, this job forces me to face my weaker areas: approaching people, making phone calls, presenting ideas in a coherent way, infer impact of decisions etc. 

I AM SO NOT GIVING UP!!! 

Talk More

Need to start talking more. Recently, when GossipLane begin to discuss relationship problems, I went totally silent. Ok. Fine. Not only that. I was silent at a lot of other discussions.

I supposed I do not have the experience to contribute. So far, I have been focusing on reaching my goals that I overlooked many other things in life. Doesn't help that I have a powerful inner Sloth and Pride and so I tend not to be motivated to try new things for just a reason/purpose unless it is something I am very sure I can do well in. So a number of times, either I do not know what they are talking about or I do not fully understand the experience they had. Bad. I know. Playing catch up now is a major major task.

The other thing is you share a problem big time once or twice, I am fine. That is a way to find solutions. I would like to decide on a solution, execute it, see how it goes. After that once or twice discussion, everything is just a short update. Nothing major until the solution doesn't work. I try not to harp on the same thing too many times. Bores me, bores my friends. Some people apparently think otherwise. Seems like I need to see things differently from now on....

Now. Why I came to write this. I realized that with all the "barriers" that I put up, I know people more than they know me. Take GossipLane for example. I know addresses (where to get them), a bit of relationship history and certain likes and dislikes. They do not know anything about me before the day I met them. Almost nothing, besides the schools I attended and probably CCAs.

Too many barriers? Too many layers of information control? Apparently so. I do not want to reveal too much to "protect" myself. I like it when one of my colleagues say "All humans should be considered hostile unless proven otherwise". Then again, after 2 years, I have seen enough and trust GossipLane enough to let on more.

Let's see how thing "engagement" policy pan out. :)

Project NT-D

Since Project Final Fantasy ended, I have been struggling to find a new name for a while. I need something that will give a sense of power and grandeur, yet can also project a feeling of insanity and berserk. NT-D seems to be the best.

NewType Destroyer. Seems to fit my current situation. I am in a new environment, struggling to keep up. So I must develop a new set of skills - similar to how humans "evolve" into newtypes when they migrated into space. Destroyer is apt because I want to exceed myself. But this means that I am still stuck with "destruction" as main motivation, not "creation". So I have yet to address this problem.

How to speak properly, write proper email, proper minutes, proper report, explain things properly and coherently. All these have to learn!