Re-start: Project Final Fantasy II

Cancelled NT-D. I was not motivated enough during this period. Decided to forge ahead with Project Final Fantasy II. Hope it would be as successful as its game counter part.

So I graduated and started working. Below is a preliminary list of what I ought to do:

Finances:
1) Begin plan to repay parents and aunts (amount to be worked out, taking into account point 2).
2) Begin to take charge of bills (phone bills) and pay for family grocery.
3) Begin to consider certain form of investment (bank interest is ridiculously low).
Social:
1) Stop feeling self-conscious and start to play the sociable person. Never mind about feeling weird.
2) Engage everyone. BUT still be nicer to certain people.
3) Reduce Facebook time if there is no one to chat with.
Physical:
1) Stick to exercise programme. Gym twice and run twice a week.
Mental:
1) Consider MBA or Master's in Public Health
Personal:
1) No more wasting weekends. Do office work or read up to improve self or meet friends.
2) Consider learning s******* and c******.

Post-Commencement High

2 days after Commencement and I am still feeling high. Uploaded pictures to facebook, kept checking friends' updates and photos. Totally enjoying this euphoria. : )))))

Let's do a quick stock take of the 4 years and the very very important people I met

Year 1:

Did badly at CAs. Barely passed most of them. Practicals were a flop as well, especially organic chemistry practicals. Good think seniors (Vincent Oei) gave pointers on how to write good reports. Met favourite TA, Chuu Ling (she looks and feels like my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Choo). Beginning of 4 years with good friend Yi Lian. We ended up taking many many core modules together.

Remembered the pathetic trembling when I was doing presentation for Intro to Computing. This is probably one of the worst presentation I gave, along with Council meeting 2 weeks ago... Pleasant surprise when I got my first results slip. 4.8 + dean's list no. 1 in sem 1 and then 4.9 + dean's list no. 2 in sem 2! Totally unexpected. Unexpected that my Biodiversity module got an A+! I admit that this is one of the core module that I had the least interest in. Translation module was fun and I like Prof. Ho a lot.

This was the first time I had to stay up late the night before exams to finish studying and it would continue this way the next 4 years. I was worried about being a one-hit wonder (i.e. dean's list for only once, or for only 1 year) then.

Year 2:

The year when memorizing is the order of the day. Cell biology and metabolism. I remembered for cell biology, I was feeling that my brain is absorbing the info so slowly... Metabolism, I memorized all the pathways. Quite proud of it. But it was hazy then and I forgot almost everything now. 

Grace advised I switch combination from 2101+2102 in 1st sem to 2103+2104 in first sem. Think it was the right move. 4.7 + dean's list no. 3 in sem 1 and 4.8 + dean's list no. 4 in sem 2. Met Yin Ning and Wei San at Bioinfo group. Also took Immunology at Year 2 when it was a Year 3 module. Got A+ for it. Haha. Though I studied everything, I managed to predict a question correct and did extra reading. That helped quite a bit I think.

Got A for Year 2 stats module, in addition to the A for Year 1 stats module. A very big relieve since maths was one of my weaker subjects in earlier part of my life. Took another translation mod with Sis. Haha. My first B+. At least I took 1 module with her in school. I didn't bother to S/U it. B+ is not bad. Why S/U it?
Took dynamics of interpersonal effectiveness. I know communication is important and I am lacking there. So I took. Many people took because it was easy. BUT easy it was not. The concepts are rather easy to grasp and lectures seem redundant. However, the way to answer question is the tricky bit. I managed to grasp the way the lecturer think and got an A-which means I have much to learn about communications actually.

Perhaps the most important module in year 2: experimental cell and molecular biology. Luckily had Chuu Ling as TA again. Got to know Lin Hui, Jake, Hannah and Yvonne.

Year 3

Took UROPS with Prof. Chew. I was hesitating that time. Yi Lian was quite sure she wanted to take UROPS. I knew the value of a UROPS, but was fretting over meeting supervisors. Got to thank Yi Lian for this. Met Jiang Nan and Grace Koh, my mentor and senior for UROPS. It was quite a disappointing experience. For all my CAP, i realised I sucked big time at research. Most memorable event was getting shouted at by Prof. Chew at S2 Level 4 seminar room 1 for not interpreting results more cautiously. It was a good learning experience, though I felt I did not live up to expectations and let my mentor and seniors down. I was feeling so stressed up at the paediatric lab that I actually dreaded going over. I got an A though. It was not something I am proud of.

BUT besides research experience is that I got to know the GossipLane people. Those are the 1st people in my life who told me to go get a 1st class for them. Never has anyone said that to me - not even my parents. They are someone very special and important to me.

Yielded another B+ for Structural Biology, a core module! I knew it was a goner after the exams. Could not finish almost 40% of the questions! Felt my brain moved really really really slowly. First time I missed out on Dean's list in sem 1 (4.5) but managed to get in again in sem 2.

Sem 2 was more interesting. My fav module: infectious disease! Thanks Jung-Pu for her extra notes. Probably helped in getting my A+. Got 2nd highest for CA for Tumor biology (a year 4 mod). Quite surprised. Me, a year 3 student, actually got 2nd highest in the year 4 module.

Year 4

Chose to leave Prof. Chew's lab to do what I really wanted to do: Virology research!!! After a big turn, managed to work in Prof. Ng's lab. I chose Prof. Ng because 1) she is a full professor (better brand name?) 2) IT'S VIROLOGY. Started Project Final Fantasy - a codename for my FYP. I thought if i screwed this up again, I will have proven myself incapable of research. Good thing it did not "crash and burn". Haha.

It was a blast at the Lab. Loved my seniors at Prof. Ng's lab and Prof. Deng's lab. The hours were long. But somehow, the idea of working with viruses and the aim to get 1st class drove me. Seniors gave lots of advice as well. Gotta thank all those seniors lots.
An ugly B appeared for Toxicology. Must be because I mistook one Prof's answer for another. They were teaching similar topics. So I forgot to note who asked that question in the exam and happily wrote the wrong Prof's answer in. Oh well.

But I topped the class for Advanced Cell Biology! No prize though. Oh Oh! Not to forget. My FYP supervisor, who is also lecturer for this module used my name as the protagonist on one of her questions. It was weird trying to answer a question with my name on it. Haha. Protein engineering is definitely one of my favourite module. Loved the way how scientists can create novel proteins and loved my Zinc Finger Nuclease!!!

Between Functional Genomics and Genetic Medicine in Sem 2, I chose the latter. Kind of tired of only learning techniques and not other aspect of life sciences. I wasn't disappointed. I managed to learn more about genetic studies, something that was missed out in the curriculum thus far. Very amazed at the sequencing technology today and how great products can come out when we combine biology, chemistry, physics and engineering. The presentation was a gruelling one and up till year 4, I couldn't do Hardy-Weinberg question.
For FYP, I realised how bad I am at writing. But I think I did quite well for poster presentation. Was enjoying the interaction with my examiners.

Conclusion:

So after 4 years,

in terms of academic achievements, I obtained 6 dean's list (out of 8 possible), 20% of my grades were A+, did not use a single S/U, gained an award for being the top student of my concentration and a better appreciation of life science research AND I managed to live out my dreams of dabbling in life sciences for 4 years. Loved the subject!
In terms of friends, I am especially happy to have known GossipLane people, Jiang Nan, 2202 bench people, Yin Ning, Wei San, Jung Pu, Advanced Cell Biology people, everyone in Prof. Ng's and Prof. Deng's lab.
In terms of character, I am glad that I came out a more determined and driven person. Not necessarily smarter, but more willing to pursue something to the end.

It was a great time to have worked with everyone.
Still, academic achievement is but only one part of life. There is a lot that I have to learn and there are many many thing I can learn from others.

Growth Spurt

Not physical growth spurt of course. I am well past that growth spurt age. I am referring to mental growth spurt. 7 weeks going into new job, feels extremely green. Granted, my experience is in the labs and this is my 1st job. But I cannot help but feel I am not performing at all. So far, it is more of a learning thing. How to write good emails, do good presentations, understand working of the company, etc. Consistently, I realized one thing: I sucked at communicating. Well, it didn't seem that way in the past. But now, the problem shows up more acutely.

Another thing is that I need to slow down my thoughts. Last Tuesday, my mind sped way ahead of my tongue. Words came out gibberish. This is ridiculous!!! Never happened before. Lesson Learnt: Control Speed. Organize thoughts first. Speak s-l-o-w-e-r. Argh!!! Then just yesterday, I was too quick with my email. This person irritated and I replied back. Then regretted the way I phrase my email. Lesson learnt: Don't press "send" immediately. THINK FIRST!! 

If you think I am just going to weep over it and throw in the towel, you cannot be further from the truth. True, I dreaded going to work every morning. True, I kept hoping for weekend to come (something that I have never done before). True, I feel sad when educated by boss. BUT this is all part of becoming stronger.

In the past 2 years, I have gotten beyond the stage of being upset because of getting scolded. Now, I am more upset about why did I not done better/anticipated in the 1st place and NOT because of getting scolded. Anyway, "scold" is not a good word. I feel that a better word is "educate". With every "scolding", I get better, which is a good thing.

Right now, I cannot deny that my performance thus far has been disappointing. It used to be that I grasp concepts quite naturally. But now, things are quite complex to me. It used to be that I do not have to interact with many people (in fact, I probably could have survived by myself. But I will be extremely lonely). But now, I have to interact with many many many people.

All I have to say is, I should savour the learning experience. I have to and want to become stronger and better. This is actually the perfect position to do so. Somehow, this job forces me to face my weaker areas: approaching people, making phone calls, presenting ideas in a coherent way, infer impact of decisions etc. 

I AM SO NOT GIVING UP!!! 

Talk More

Need to start talking more. Recently, when GossipLane begin to discuss relationship problems, I went totally silent. Ok. Fine. Not only that. I was silent at a lot of other discussions.

I supposed I do not have the experience to contribute. So far, I have been focusing on reaching my goals that I overlooked many other things in life. Doesn't help that I have a powerful inner Sloth and Pride and so I tend not to be motivated to try new things for just a reason/purpose unless it is something I am very sure I can do well in. So a number of times, either I do not know what they are talking about or I do not fully understand the experience they had. Bad. I know. Playing catch up now is a major major task.

The other thing is you share a problem big time once or twice, I am fine. That is a way to find solutions. I would like to decide on a solution, execute it, see how it goes. After that once or twice discussion, everything is just a short update. Nothing major until the solution doesn't work. I try not to harp on the same thing too many times. Bores me, bores my friends. Some people apparently think otherwise. Seems like I need to see things differently from now on....

Now. Why I came to write this. I realized that with all the "barriers" that I put up, I know people more than they know me. Take GossipLane for example. I know addresses (where to get them), a bit of relationship history and certain likes and dislikes. They do not know anything about me before the day I met them. Almost nothing, besides the schools I attended and probably CCAs.

Too many barriers? Too many layers of information control? Apparently so. I do not want to reveal too much to "protect" myself. I like it when one of my colleagues say "All humans should be considered hostile unless proven otherwise". Then again, after 2 years, I have seen enough and trust GossipLane enough to let on more.

Let's see how thing "engagement" policy pan out. :)

Project NT-D

Since Project Final Fantasy ended, I have been struggling to find a new name for a while. I need something that will give a sense of power and grandeur, yet can also project a feeling of insanity and berserk. NT-D seems to be the best.

NewType Destroyer. Seems to fit my current situation. I am in a new environment, struggling to keep up. So I must develop a new set of skills - similar to how humans "evolve" into newtypes when they migrated into space. Destroyer is apt because I want to exceed myself. But this means that I am still stuck with "destruction" as main motivation, not "creation". So I have yet to address this problem.

How to speak properly, write proper email, proper minutes, proper report, explain things properly and coherently. All these have to learn!

Stop Thinking About This!

It has been a few years. Ok. Several years. Or maybe 13 years. When there is nothing occupying the brain, or when the brain encounters certain emotions it is not familiar with, a particular thought will come up - images of power, domination and destruction. Probably because I am engrossed in Japanese animation with these themes. It is true that I used them to drive myself. But recently, I am beginning to think perhaps I am taking these perceptions a little too far - so much so that it has actually become an innate part of me.

I used these images as fuel to drive myself to achieve my objectives and exceed my perceived limits. Of course, these are not the only I can utilize to fuel myself. But I think they are amongst the strongest. It is like people have their idols who they try to emulate. These images/characters are the ones I try to emulate. The upside is that since they are not real-life entities, it is impossible for their images to be corrupted by whatever scandals that could plague their human equivalents. The problem, I think, is that these images are now almost the first thing that come to my mind when I am not engaged in other mental tasks. The brain automatically switches from legitimate neural processes to bringing up these images, I would say, about 90% of the time. I am not psychologist/psychiatrist or even a neurologist. However, I instinctively realized that this cannot be good for my well being.

These images conjures feeling of battle, the desire to duel and the thrill of competition. This is useful when I am engaged in competitions. But outside of competitions, they made me feel that I am only adept at "dueling". Nothing else. That I am "destined" to "duel" to the end. Nothing else. Perhaps this is true. Then again, I am passed the age when I would naively believe in the messages I perceive from these animations-derived images.

I need to exert control over these thoughts. There is more to life than endless competitions. In any case, destruction and domination, by themselves, cannot bring any positive effect to anyone, to any society or to any world. Destruction and domination are just attempts at trying to simplify matters. They work well if your goals are well-defined and when there is a definite end point. But how can anyone destroy and dominate over everything? The actual force driving positive changes is the power to create and to cooperate. I feel that I am just beginning to understand this line of thought. At this point in time, destruction generates a stronger feeling in me compared to creation. A good thing is that domination and cooperation are at equal standing. I must continue to evolve my understanding.

Competitive or Inadequacies?

One thing I like about fb is that I get to know things people are doing (the word voyeur comes to mind). Yet, one thing I hate about fb is that I get to know things people are doing. Doing a double take? It is a love-hate relationship.

Why I hate to know what people are doing? THAT is a very good question. I think a large part is because I perceive them to be doing better than me, or are encroaching on my goals. Ridiculous I know. Absolutely ridiculous. Every person has their own path to take and taking different paths does not mean that one path is better than the other. Person A thriving in one path does not necessarily mean Person B, taking the same path, will achieve the same results. Therefore, it is simply ridiculous to try to compare. Worse is, I do not even know why I am comparing. Logic says, there is no basis for compare. Heart says, I am pathetic because I lost. Well, as usual, logic wins. But this tendency to compare could be due to my competitive nature. Competitions of certain kind makes my blood boil - they make me feel that I have truly come alive. To fight, to defend, to dominate or even to lose to a better opponent. Recently on newspaper, there is this article on perfectionists. According to the test, I am a perfectionist and someone seemingly in need to psychological help at that. Actually, I think the test is not that accurate. True, I concede that I am a perfectionist but so far, I have been able to regulate my perfectionist tendencies relatively well. But could perfectionism, which my competitive streak rises from, also bore profound inadequacies? Because of inadequacies, I strive to compete and to truly beat the competition, I need to be perfect. But the futility of trying to achieve perfection lead to inadequacies. So it is a vicious cycle. Could this be what is really happening?

On another note, there is this question which I also have no answer to. What does it feel like to really like someone. Drama series always portray love/like as willing to go the distance for someone, to continue to like someone even though that someone has betrayed you etc. But is this even realistic in real life? If you like someone, but then things do not go your way or things go wrong, does it mean that I am not really liking that person if I just try to forget about that happened instead of persisting? To one side of the argument, persistence may be a sign of true love. But to the other side of the argument, persistence is just pestering and a futile act. So which view is actually correct? Answer anyone?