-Leucine-Methionine-Glycine-J-

Six Months in a Flash

2011-11-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

Six months in a flash, everything still in a mess. Have not settled payment to parents and aunts, have not settled claims, have not found the extra push to work after office hours and on weekends.

Payment to parents and aunts: It is a normal thing to do. I think I need to work out a monthly visiting schedule to aunts' place. Otherwise, nothing will get going. It is time to really bring back the dough.

Claims: Phone claims, cab fare, and other claims. Got to get my butt off and start doing these.

Work after office hours and weekends: For some reason, I totally switch off after work. Very very bad. There is no enthusiasm at all. Perhaps It is because I am used to doing work in lab till very late. Home is where I come back to sleep and not do work. Hence the brain automatically switches off when I am home. Need to find some way to "psycho" myself to work. I think I should set aside 1 hour after work every day to do extra work.

Finance Planning: It is time to start and Excel sheet to record expenditure. Perhaps a yearly budgeting exercise would be good.

Social Calendar: I have to start to plan GossipLane outings, BP lunch, 2202 meetings and CR meetings on a more regular basis. Say once a month.

Lessons Learnt:

1) Must be steady, DO NOT rush.

2) Think like planning experiment. Step by step, take stock of each step.

3) Clear definition of role is important. Leave the job to the proper people.

4) Calling is more personal than emailing, especially for apologizing to people.

5) Perfection is excessive. Good enough will do.

What I Want...

2011-09-24T23:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I guess I don't really know what I want...

Take job for example. Given a choice, I would have continue with science education. After all, I used to and still am immensely interested in working in the WHO or the CDC on disease response. After reading all those books on infectious diseases, I think I'm hooked on pandemic, crisis, infectious agents etc. Then again, I will probably need a medical degree or a PhD at the very least. As far as I know, I am not suited to be a medical doctor because my motivation is still mainly "destruction" rather than "construction". As for PhD, it seems like market for PhDs is not very good at the moment. Besides, I cannot guarantee I will get a position in WHO or CDC even with a PhD...

Now, I am engaged in administrative work. It is not bad I guess. I get to interact with lots of people, do behind-the-scenes work and get training on how to think in a multi-party situation. In a way, it is kind of exciting and it pays quite well. In this society, it is difficult to get around without money and parents are getting old. Thus I need to take financial stability very seriously. However, infectious diseases is something that will really get my pulse racing.

On social side, I think I'm kind of losing direction as well. Recently, I went out with this friend twice. The feeling is not bad. I think we are alike in a number of ways. I actually see myself in her sometimes - I think I would end up very very similar to her if I were in her shoes. I kind of feel something, something very vague. I cannot even define what this is. If someone were to ask me who I like at the moment, I would probably be able name 2. Well... "like" is a term that I guess most people would use. I prefer "positive feeling". The current me is not qualified to "like" anyone. But this friend?

Review and Sort

2011-09-18T09:46:00.001+08:00

Time to review. Been on the job for 4 months.

On competency end, I think I really sucked. Out of 100 marks, I would give a 45. Public administration is more complex than I imagined. There are a myriad of issues one has to consider when making a decision. One false move can prove to be one's undoing. A good example is human perception (which is rather well portrayed by the movie "contagion"). When there is a new scheme, people will start to ask where will the budget come from. If it comes from their pockets, they will flip. It is human nature. But the selfishness of it all is disgusting. Then there will be people who don't do their work too and spend a good half an hour telling you unimportant things and when you put down the phone, you realise: have I gotten the information I wanted? Worse is when someone who should have the information tells you that they do not have it. How can these people not have the info when it's their responsibility and job scope?

Lesson 1: Stand firm on the info I want. Never mind what the other side say, get all the info I need.

Lesson 2: Read all articles carefully before responding or asking question. Pay attention to details. I cannot afford to ask redundant questions for that will dent my credibility. The saying "the devil is in the details". I can overstate how true that rings out.

Lesson 3: Also, a variant is "the devil is in the execution". All policies are empty talk, no matter how good they look and sound, unless they can be executed in reality. When talking about strategies, it is always important to think about feasibility and how they can be implemented.

Lesson 4: Before I approach anyone, I need to consolidate the information and ask the right question. Asking the right question is a useful skill. It will avoid people misconceiving what you are asking and giving you the wrong information, causing you to "re-ask" that person.

Lesson 5: Finance information can tell you many many things. More than just revenue and loss, it can tell you how effective a unit is working.

Lesson 6: WHERE ARE MY SOFT SKILLS???

All in all, if this is Bleach, I suppose my situation would be like losing a Captain's level power (or a Lieutenant's) and got demoted to normal human. Suddenly, I cannot fully comprehend things. And worse is, many things are not within my control. Research suddenly seemed very enticing.

The good thing is, I am learning lots of new things. : ))) And I refuse to give up. However, I need to buck up and find some way to motivate myself. HOW???

On the social end of things, I think I am just as bad. I would report a rating of 30 out of 100. Sometimes I wonder, why do I hesitate when approaching people? They are colleagues right? We are in the same team right? Forging stronger ties and getting to know them and they know me is going to benefit us all right? But why am I vacillating? Even yesterday, I was actually apprehensive when collecting movie tickets I bought online. Utterly ridiculous. The good thing is, logic and a sense of urgency kicked in yesterday. I wonder how dumb I would have looked if those did not come in time. Irrational fear. But of what? I have no idea. of losing face? Or looking stupid? Irrational fears are to be crushed.

Also, it seems that I am too serious. I have to learn to loosen up. Really. Sounds easy. But somehow, the message is having a hard time getting to me.

On fitness end, I'm starting to move. Re-started gym sessions and running session. Super out of shape. This time, I have to be consistent. In any case, I have set a deadline of CNY to improve physique and dressing. Looks like a reasonable deadline. If only I can keep the pace.

The "True" Purpose of Competition

2011-08-20T22:33:00.000+08:00

Watched a Hong Kong drama. Kinda feel sad for the guy who tries to force another to compete with him to determine the best player. Which led me to think: What is the point of competition? When can we tell that it has gone too far?

I supposed you can say competition is the order of nature. Natural selection functions via competition. I feel that humans are the ultimate competitors. Ever since the day a human is born, you can expect some parents from someone will start pitting your children against others. When children mature, they will pit themselves against their peers. When they finally have their own children, they will pit their children against others. It is a never-ending cycle.

What is the point of competition? To prove you are better than others. To feel the thrill of competition. To make your "stake-holders" happy. I fully agree with all, the first two in particular (personally experienced them). However, the point of competition is actually to find your weaknesses and overcome them.

Victory against someone or something is simply a temporary state, with many qualifiers. Everyone can improve and in competitions, many factors can magnify the difference between two players. The topics that come out in exams, the wind condition, a careless error of judgement in hitting a ball. All these depend on luck. Beating your opponents because of these factors hardly proves that you are better. I think whether win or lose, your biggest gain should be the knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses and what you can do to improve yourself. The great sensation of winning is simply a reward for your past hard work and should not be the ultimate aim of winning. After all, beating someone may not prove anything at all. The factor separate the two may just be luck. No competition can ensure that all players are at their peak, compete under the same conditions, use the same equipment, enjoy the same level of training. No competition is completely fair. Therefore, the results of competition may be significant, if at all. But through a competition, you can surely sense your strengths and weaknesses. You can analyze "match" and decide what is your strength. Weaknesses are more easily felt. Competition lets you acutely sense your weaknesses and generates a sense of urgency to overcomes them. How can you forget the feeling losing to someone due to your weakness? While everyone cheer the victor, it is actually the loser who potentially stands to gain more. Make no mistake about this.

When someone becomes obsessed with beating someone or obsessed with challenging others to determine who is better, they have gone too far. When you win, you should feel happy and proud because you deserved it or because of your exceptional good luck or because you overcome your obstacles. Like I stated previously, the ultimate goal of competition should not simply be victory against someone - it should be a process of discovering where you can improve. I now believe challenging someone just to prove who is stronger is a waste of time but challenging someone to further improve yourself is the true purpose of competition.

You can get carried away at the moment but never forget the true purpose of competition. In addition, there is no perpetual winner or loser and there is absolute no competition that is 100% fair. To be competitive simply to prove you are the best is kidding yourself. A competition is meant to enable you to assess yourself.

Just Gotta Evolve

2011-08-16T21:45:00.000+08:00

I feel like a fish out of water. Or in Japanese animation, they are on a different level of power from me. And the occasional careless mistake can be costly. In school, careless mistakes do not cost so much. A few marks off, one grade down. But in the real world, careless mistakes can make people think lowly of you - the implication is tremendous! First thing to plug is my careless mistakes.

Second thing is to inculcate a habit of double checking. Never trust anyone. Always double check. Never mind if it takes slightly longer. Always double check. I cannot emphasize this enough. ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET!

Decided

2011-08-10T22:28:00.001+08:00

Decided. To live a max of 60 years. UNLESS something or someone changes my mind. Too tiring to live so long and too... Sometimes I don't really know why I think in a "holier than thou" way. Guess that is my nature. Even though brain knows better than to slip down this path, it lapses sometimes. Better be dead than to act like that. In the meanwhile, I must learn to release my energy on a more consistent basis.

Operation Kill Sloth

2011-08-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

For the past 3 months, I look like an idiot, sound like an idiot, must be an idiot. Granted, managing human-human relations is not my forte. Despite this, I do realize that if I do not ameliorate my ability in this, I will get no where. Despite what some people may think, soft skills are extremely important - they form the core of a person's ability. You can have all the knowledge in the world. But soft skills is needed to make people listen to you and to believe you. Without knowledge, you have no credibility. Without soft skills, you are a misfit.

Kill Slot:. I need to whack my inner sloth harder. I have been wasting my weekends these days. Unacceptable for a newbie (actually, more of a noob). I reminisce the past year when I am able to bring myself to work even on weekends, rain or shine. Now, weekends seem to be a time to relax. True, I need to relax a bit. The problem is that I seem to relax to much. The Sloth is stronger than my other self now and I must find my old self before it is too late.

Strangely felt like asking CR out yesterday for dinner at Vivocity. She agreed. Let's see. This is the.... 3rd time I asked an individual out. There is my Sis and another person. That was years ago. I did spend time with people alone. But not asking people out individually. Why I ask her out? Good question. Let's see.

1) I see myself in her. I got to where I am because of luck (in addition to hard work and some talent of course). I think this is what sets us apart. If I were to take her path, I am quite sure I would be in the same state as her. That is why I would like to help her if I can, if it does not infringes any moral/legal issues.

2) I can understand how she feels now - the pressure to secure a job, coupled with the uncertainty of whether her own ability is sufficient to take on the job. I can totally understand. Been through that phase 4 years ago. But I do not really know how she thinks. Part of me wants to know her better to see how to help her.

3) I have positive feelings for this person I think. Maybe it is because I feel we are quite alike. Of course, it could be an illusion on my part again. Therefore, I am keeping this thing under tight control in case it spirals into insanity. I do not sense positivity from her end (except that she kind of admires my state of employment and my ability while in school). All the better. Quite confident that things will be kept under control.

4) I just need company?? The feeling of going out with friends is just... nice. Whether is it GL people or others. I must admit. Going out with females is more appealing than with males for some reason.

Just saying what I want

2011-07-16T00:58:00.001+08:00

Ran on Tuesday. Fell. Scraped my knees. No gauze at home. No gauze at shops downstairs. Dad worried but don't know what to do. Mum didn't even bother (If Hazeline Snow works, wouldn't you think hospitals would be using them by now?). Slept facing up that night so I would not stain my bed. Injury not too bad. So it wasn't too much of a concern. Just a little inconvenience. What bothers me more is that no one can help/bothers to even worry a bit. Just proves that I cannot depend on parents anymore (or a certain person didn't really care, as long as I did not inconvenience that person). Friends bothered more than that person. No wonder I like my friends much better.

Today. Spoke to XY about stuff. I actually talk quite a bit. Surprised. Then at dinner, revealed more. I think I have changed. In the past, I would feel the need to step up my efforts. Now, I will analyze, weigh options and not be rash. Good. Very good.

Re-start: Project Final Fantasy II

2011-07-10T18:06:00.000+08:00

Cancelled NT-D. I was not motivated enough during this period. Decided to forge ahead with Project Final Fantasy II. Hope it would be as successful as its game counter part.

So I graduated and started working. Below is a preliminary list of what I ought to do:

Finances:
1) Begin plan to repay parents and aunts (amount to be worked out, taking into account point 2).
2) Begin to take charge of bills (phone bills) and pay for family grocery.
3) Begin to consider certain form of investment (bank interest is ridiculously low).
Social:
1) Stop feeling self-conscious and start to play the sociable person. Never mind about feeling weird.
2) Engage everyone. BUT still be nicer to certain people.
3) Reduce Facebook time if there is no one to chat with.
Physical:
1) Stick to exercise programme. Gym twice and run twice a week.
Mental:
1) Consider MBA or Master's in Public Health
Personal:
1) No more wasting weekends. Do office work or read up to improve self or meet friends.
2) Consider learning s******* and c******.

Post-Commencement High

2011-07-10T11:50:00.002+08:00

2 days after Commencement and I am still feeling high. Uploaded pictures to facebook, kept checking friends' updates and photos. Totally enjoying this euphoria. : )))))

Let's do a quick stock take of the 4 years and the very very important people I met

Year 1:

Did badly at CAs. Barely passed most of them. Practicals were a flop as well, especially organic chemistry practicals. Good think seniors (Vincent Oei) gave pointers on how to write good reports. Met favourite TA, Chuu Ling (she looks and feels like my chemistry teacher, Mrs. Choo). Beginning of 4 years with good friend Yi Lian. We ended up taking many many core modules together.

Remembered the pathetic trembling when I was doing presentation for Intro to Computing. This is probably one of the worst presentation I gave, along with Council meeting 2 weeks ago... Pleasant surprise when I got my first results slip. 4.8 + dean's list no. 1 in sem 1 and then 4.9 + dean's list no. 2 in sem 2! Totally unexpected. Unexpected that my Biodiversity module got an A+! I admit that this is one of the core module that I had the least interest in. Translation module was fun and I like Prof. Ho a lot.

This was the first time I had to stay up late the night before exams to finish studying and it would continue this way the next 4 years. I was worried about being a one-hit wonder (i.e. dean's list for only once, or for only 1 year) then.

Year 2:

The year when memorizing is the order of the day. Cell biology and metabolism. I remembered for cell biology, I was feeling that my brain is absorbing the info so slowly... Metabolism, I memorized all the pathways. Quite proud of it. But it was hazy then and I forgot almost everything now.

Grace advised I switch combination from 2101+2102 in 1st sem to 2103+2104 in first sem. Think it was the right move. 4.7 + dean's list no. 3 in sem 1 and 4.8 + dean's list no. 4 in sem 2. Met Yin Ning and Wei San at Bioinfo group. Also took Immunology at Year 2 when it was a Year 3 module. Got A+ for it. Haha. Though I studied everything, I managed to predict a question correct and did extra reading. That helped quite a bit I think.

Got A for Year 2 stats module, in addition to the A for Year 1 stats module. A very big relieve since maths was one of my weaker subjects in earlier part of my life. Took another translation mod with Sis. Haha. My first B+. At least I took 1 module with her in school. I didn't bother to S/U it. B+ is not bad. Why S/U it?
Took dynamics of interpersonal effectiveness. I know communication is important and I am lacking there. So I took. Many people took because it was easy. BUT easy it was not. The concepts are rather easy to grasp and lectures seem redundant. However, the way to answer question is the tricky bit. I managed to grasp the way the lecturer think and got an A-which means I have much to learn about communications actually.

Perhaps the most important module in year 2: experimental cell and molecular biology. Luckily had Chuu Ling as TA again. Got to know Lin Hui, Jake, Hannah and Yvonne.

Year 3

Took UROPS with Prof. Chew. I was hesitating that time. Yi Lian was quite sure she wanted to take UROPS. I knew the value of a UROPS, but was fretting over meeting supervisors. Got to thank Yi Lian for this. Met Jiang Nan and Grace Koh, my mentor and senior for UROPS. It was quite a disappointing experience. For all my CAP, i realised I sucked big time at research. Most memorable event was getting shouted at by Prof. Chew at S2 Level 4 seminar room 1 for not interpreting results more cautiously. It was a good learning experience, though I felt I did not live up to expectations and let my mentor and seniors down. I was feeling so stressed up at the paediatric lab that I actually dreaded going over. I got an A though. It was not something I am proud of.

BUT besides research experience is that I got to know the GossipLane people. Those are the 1st people in my life who told me to go get a 1st class for them. Never has anyone said that to me - not even my parents. They are someone very special and important to me.

Yielded another B+ for Structural Biology, a core module! I knew it was a goner after the exams. Could not finish almost 40% of the questions! Felt my brain moved really really really slowly. First time I missed out on Dean's list in sem 1 (4.5) but managed to get in again in sem 2.

Sem 2 was more interesting. My fav module: infectious disease! Thanks Jung-Pu for her extra notes. Probably helped in getting my A+. Got 2nd highest for CA for Tumor biology (a year 4 mod). Quite surprised. Me, a year 3 student, actually got 2nd highest in the year 4 module.

Year 4

Chose to leave Prof. Chew's lab to do what I really wanted to do: Virology research!!! After a big turn, managed to work in Prof. Ng's lab. I chose Prof. Ng because 1) she is a full professor (better brand name?) 2) IT'S VIROLOGY. Started Project Final Fantasy - a codename for my FYP. I thought if i screwed this up again, I will have proven myself incapable of research. Good thing it did not "crash and burn". Haha.

It was a blast at the Lab. Loved my seniors at Prof. Ng's lab and Prof. Deng's lab. The hours were long. But somehow, the idea of working with viruses and the aim to get 1st class drove me. Seniors gave lots of advice as well. Gotta thank all those seniors lots.
An ugly B appeared for Toxicology. Must be because I mistook one Prof's answer for another. They were teaching similar topics. So I forgot to note who asked that question in the exam and happily wrote the wrong Prof's answer in. Oh well.

But I topped the class for Advanced Cell Biology! No prize though. Oh Oh! Not to forget. My FYP supervisor, who is also lecturer for this module used my name as the protagonist on one of her questions. It was weird trying to answer a question with my name on it. Haha. Protein engineering is definitely one of my favourite module. Loved the way how scientists can create novel proteins and loved my Zinc Finger Nuclease!!!

Between Functional Genomics and Genetic Medicine in Sem 2, I chose the latter. Kind of tired of only learning techniques and not other aspect of life sciences. I wasn't disappointed. I managed to learn more about genetic studies, something that was missed out in the curriculum thus far. Very amazed at the sequencing technology today and how great products can come out when we combine biology, chemistry, physics and engineering. The presentation was a gruelling one and up till year 4, I couldn't do Hardy-Weinberg question.
For FYP, I realised how bad I am at writing. But I think I did quite well for poster presentation. Was enjoying the interaction with my examiners.

Conclusion:

So after 4 years,

in terms of academic achievements, I obtained 6 dean's list (out of 8 possible), 20% of my grades were A+, did not use a single S/U, gained an award for being the top student of my concentration and a better appreciation of life science research AND I managed to live out my dreams of dabbling in life sciences for 4 years. Loved the subject!
In terms of friends, I am especially happy to have known GossipLane people, Jiang Nan, 2202 bench people, Yin Ning, Wei San, Jung Pu, Advanced Cell Biology people, everyone in Prof. Ng's and Prof. Deng's lab.
In terms of character, I am glad that I came out a more determined and driven person. Not necessarily smarter, but more willing to pursue something to the end.

It was a great time to have worked with everyone.
Still, academic achievement is but only one part of life. There is a lot that I have to learn and there are many many thing I can learn from others.

Growth Spurt

2011-07-02T22:01:00.001+08:00

Not physical growth spurt of course. I am well past that growth spurt age. I am referring to mental growth spurt. 7 weeks going into new job, feels extremely green. Granted, my experience is in the labs and this is my 1st job. But I cannot help but feel I am not performing at all. So far, it is more of a learning thing. How to write good emails, do good presentations, understand working of the company, etc. Consistently, I realized one thing: I sucked at communicating. Well, it didn't seem that way in the past. But now, the problem shows up more acutely.

Another thing is that I need to slow down my thoughts. Last Tuesday, my mind sped way ahead of my tongue. Words came out gibberish. This is ridiculous!!! Never happened before. Lesson Learnt: Control Speed. Organize thoughts first. Speak s-l-o-w-e-r. Argh!!! Then just yesterday, I was too quick with my email. This person irritated and I replied back. Then regretted the way I phrase my email. Lesson learnt: Don't press "send" immediately. THINK FIRST!!

If you think I am just going to weep over it and throw in the towel, you cannot be further from the truth. True, I dreaded going to work every morning. True, I kept hoping for weekend to come (something that I have never done before). True, I feel sad when educated by boss. BUT this is all part of becoming stronger.

In the past 2 years, I have gotten beyond the stage of being upset because of getting scolded. Now, I am more upset about why did I not done better/anticipated in the 1st place and NOT because of getting scolded. Anyway, "scold" is not a good word. I feel that a better word is "educate". With every "scolding", I get better, which is a good thing.

Right now, I cannot deny that my performance thus far has been disappointing. It used to be that I grasp concepts quite naturally. But now, things are quite complex to me. It used to be that I do not have to interact with many people (in fact, I probably could have survived by myself. But I will be extremely lonely). But now, I have to interact with many many many people.

All I have to say is, I should savour the learning experience. I have to and want to become stronger and better. This is actually the perfect position to do so. Somehow, this job forces me to face my weaker areas: approaching people, making phone calls, presenting ideas in a coherent way, infer impact of decisions etc.

I AM SO NOT GIVING UP!!!

Talk More

2011-06-25T07:56:00.000+08:00

Need to start talking more. Recently, when GossipLane begin to discuss relationship problems, I went totally silent. Ok. Fine. Not only that. I was silent at a lot of other discussions.

I supposed I do not have the experience to contribute. So far, I have been focusing on reaching my goals that I overlooked many other things in life. Doesn't help that I have a powerful inner Sloth and Pride and so I tend not to be motivated to try new things for just a reason/purpose unless it is something I am very sure I can do well in. So a number of times, either I do not know what they are talking about or I do not fully understand the experience they had. Bad. I know. Playing catch up now is a major major task.

The other thing is you share a problem big time once or twice, I am fine. That is a way to find solutions. I would like to decide on a solution, execute it, see how it goes. After that once or twice discussion, everything is just a short update. Nothing major until the solution doesn't work. I try not to harp on the same thing too many times. Bores me, bores my friends. Some people apparently think otherwise. Seems like I need to see things differently from now on....

Now. Why I came to write this. I realized that with all the "barriers" that I put up, I know people more than they know me. Take GossipLane for example. I know addresses (where to get them), a bit of relationship history and certain likes and dislikes. They do not know anything about me before the day I met them. Almost nothing, besides the schools I attended and probably CCAs.

Too many barriers? Too many layers of information control? Apparently so. I do not want to reveal too much to "protect" myself. I like it when one of my colleagues say "All humans should be considered hostile unless proven otherwise". Then again, after 2 years, I have seen enough and trust GossipLane enough to let on more.

Let's see how thing "engagement" policy pan out. :)

Project NT-D

2011-06-10T22:07:00.000+08:00

Since Project Final Fantasy ended, I have been struggling to find a new name for a while. I need something that will give a sense of power and grandeur, yet can also project a feeling of insanity and berserk. NT-D seems to be the best.

NewType Destroyer. Seems to fit my current situation. I am in a new environment, struggling to keep up. So I must develop a new set of skills - similar to how humans "evolve" into newtypes when they migrated into space. Destroyer is apt because I want to exceed myself. But this means that I am still stuck with "destruction" as main motivation, not "creation". So I have yet to address this problem.

How to speak properly, write proper email, proper minutes, proper report, explain things properly and coherently. All these have to learn!

Stop Thinking About This!

2011-05-14T01:59:00.000+08:00

It has been a few years. Ok. Several years. Or maybe 13 years. When there is nothing occupying the brain, or when the brain encounters certain emotions it is not familiar with, a particular thought will come up - images of power, domination and destruction. Probably because I am engrossed in Japanese animation with these themes. It is true that I used them to drive myself. But recently, I am beginning to think perhaps I am taking these perceptions a little too far - so much so that it has actually become an innate part of me.

I used these images as fuel to drive myself to achieve my objectives and exceed my perceived limits. Of course, these are not the only I can utilize to fuel myself. But I think they are amongst the strongest. It is like people have their idols who they try to emulate. These images/characters are the ones I try to emulate. The upside is that since they are not real-life entities, it is impossible for their images to be corrupted by whatever scandals that could plague their human equivalents. The problem, I think, is that these images are now almost the first thing that come to my mind when I am not engaged in other mental tasks. The brain automatically switches from legitimate neural processes to bringing up these images, I would say, about 90% of the time. I am not psychologist/psychiatrist or even a neurologist. However, I instinctively realized that this cannot be good for my well being.

These images conjures feeling of battle, the desire to duel and the thrill of competition. This is useful when I am engaged in competitions. But outside of competitions, they made me feel that I am only adept at "dueling". Nothing else. That I am "destined" to "duel" to the end. Nothing else. Perhaps this is true. Then again, I am passed the age when I would naively believe in the messages I perceive from these animations-derived images.

I need to exert control over these thoughts. There is more to life than endless competitions. In any case, destruction and domination, by themselves, cannot bring any positive effect to anyone, to any society or to any world. Destruction and domination are just attempts at trying to simplify matters. They work well if your goals are well-defined and when there is a definite end point. But how can anyone destroy and dominate over everything? The actual force driving positive changes is the power to create and to cooperate. I feel that I am just beginning to understand this line of thought. At this point in time, destruction generates a stronger feeling in me compared to creation. A good thing is that domination and cooperation are at equal standing. I must continue to evolve my understanding.

Competitive or Inadequacies?

2011-05-08T23:12:00.000+08:00

One thing I like about fb is that I get to know things people are doing (the word voyeur comes to mind). Yet, one thing I hate about fb is that I get to know things people are doing. Doing a double take? It is a love-hate relationship.

Why I hate to know what people are doing? THAT is a very good question. I think a large part is because I perceive them to be doing better than me, or are encroaching on my goals. Ridiculous I know. Absolutely ridiculous. Every person has their own path to take and taking different paths does not mean that one path is better than the other. Person A thriving in one path does not necessarily mean Person B, taking the same path, will achieve the same results. Therefore, it is simply ridiculous to try to compare. Worse is, I do not even know why I am comparing. Logic says, there is no basis for compare. Heart says, I am pathetic because I lost. Well, as usual, logic wins. But this tendency to compare could be due to my competitive nature. Competitions of certain kind makes my blood boil - they make me feel that I have truly come alive. To fight, to defend, to dominate or even to lose to a better opponent. Recently on newspaper, there is this article on perfectionists. According to the test, I am a perfectionist and someone seemingly in need to psychological help at that. Actually, I think the test is not that accurate. True, I concede that I am a perfectionist but so far, I have been able to regulate my perfectionist tendencies relatively well. But could perfectionism, which my competitive streak rises from, also bore profound inadequacies? Because of inadequacies, I strive to compete and to truly beat the competition, I need to be perfect. But the futility of trying to achieve perfection lead to inadequacies. So it is a vicious cycle. Could this be what is really happening?

On another note, there is this question which I also have no answer to. What does it feel like to really like someone. Drama series always portray love/like as willing to go the distance for someone, to continue to like someone even though that someone has betrayed you etc. But is this even realistic in real life? If you like someone, but then things do not go your way or things go wrong, does it mean that I am not really liking that person if I just try to forget about that happened instead of persisting? To one side of the argument, persistence may be a sign of true love. But to the other side of the argument, persistence is just pestering and a futile act. So which view is actually correct? Answer anyone?

Conclusion of Project Final Fantasy

2011-05-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

It's been a while I can write an entry. During this period, Project Final Fantasy came to an end. It was enjoyable while it lasted. The chance to work with this class of organism is fantastic. Been reading about them for years. Finally got the opportunity to work with them up close. Never mind the tough work. It was simply exhilarating! AND, it helps that seniors are very very very nice. Nothing to complain about them at all. Learnt a lot from them. Not only stuff about work.

The task was named Project Final Fantasy because the company that produced the game Final Fantasy was in dire financial situation at certain point of time. Final Fantasy game was the last chance they had. It succeeded spectacularly. All gamers will know what Final Fantasy is. For me, initially, Project Final Fantasy was supposed to be the ultimate test of whether I am suited to continue with doing my work. After a horrendous year previously, this is my final chance. Good thing that I was able to eliminate most my errors and bad habits. Things were a lot better this time round (thanks to seniors as well). Well, but looks like I will be continuing my line of work. At least not in the next year. The decision was made based on risk assessment and financial considerations. Every time I heard friends moving into my line of work, I was ruing my missed opportunity. But oh well, there is bound to be trade-offs - costs of opportunities in economics lingo.

Honestly, when I first started on the job, I did not thought I would come so far. Competitors were strong and I have been out of practice for 3 years. On the contrary, my friends were more optimistic about my performance. Recently, I dug up a testimonial by my teacher 7 years ago. Somehow, she acutely sensed that I am a person who is very determined to achieve my goal and with an ability to grasp scientific concepts quickly. Somehow, that bore out. I am amazed at how this piece of writing 7 years ago actually came so close to predicting my current state.

Despite my performance, I can tell you that not every thing is about hardwork and talent. I think the formula for success goes like this: 70% hardwork, 10% luck, 10% knowing the people who can guide you to new height, 5% packaging yourself, 5% talent. So I think I am lucky to meet the right people (seniors and some good friends). And because of this, I am mindful that there are probably people who are as good as me, or better, but did not get the results they deserve because of certain circumstance. But as usual, there are people who ticked me off. No initiative to do work. Even when it is their own work and they know they are going to be graded according, though it is group work. I misjudged one such person and it backfired. I thought this person would be thorough in preparing the work. But no. My trust in this person backfired spectacularly. Some times, people like this make me wonder if I am really that far ahead of the pack and I expected too much from the rest. Or am I too naive and too trusting. In any case, this is a serious lesson to learn - never overestimate people and take things for granted.

Hates Crossroads

2011-03-12T00:21:00.001+08:00

Got a reality check on Wednesday. Yes. I knew all along that I am severely lacking in basic knowledge of the field (Once upon a time, I was quite up to date. But after all the rush in doing work, I forgot most of the details). I guess for most people, they would be sad after that session. For me, it was more of shame than sad. True, it was a last minute work due to time constraints. But still, I felt I should have known these facts. Oh well. This is another part of growing up scientifically I guess.

I am constantly reminded of crossroads. What to do when the heart wants to choose a path which it likes, but which offers poor material and social rewards? Logic says to follow where the "bright future" is and stay away from research. "Bright future" offers promise of better working environment, potentially better pay and a much better social life. I think, so far, I have not shown myself to be capable of following this "bright future" path. I am not as interested in it compared to research. However, for all the material reasons and social reasons, it is a better path. Actually, I think social reasons are not that strong. After all, I do not intend to live to a ripe old age. Already, I detest my limits and these limits will only become more pronounced as one age. With this in mind, marriage is a very big question mark. I supposed marriage, for many people my age, is an important reason or is the only reason to socialize. I used to detest marriage, then come to desire it, and now have become rather apathetic to it. I simply cannot imagine going on a date (Yes. This is pathetic. But I think if I really try, I would not fare too badly. The problem is getting interested enough, or more importantly, confident enough to even try).

To go straight to the point, I do not know whether trading something which I am relatively good at, but which offers poor returns (other than the right to proudly say I sacrificed for mankind [most people would think I am nuts]), for something that offers better returns but remains only a vision, a potential. Is going the "bright future path" but still ended up without a partner but with good pay worse or being stuck as a drone (albeit thinking drone), without a partner and poor pay and potentially some reputation better?

I can ask a hundred people for opinions. But ultimately, what really matters is what I think/want. Not what they think.

Mood Swings

2011-03-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

Somehow, I am more prone to mood swings lately. Got it today after listening to this song from Unicorn's OST. Strange... Maybe it is because I have been bottling up quite a bit of emotions. Ah well. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow.

One more interesting observation of myself. Last week (I think it is last week. Short term memory do not function as well these days), senior told me VW passed by the lab. My heart suddenly dropped. First thought was "what is she doing here???". Second thought was a bit of a flash. I cannot really describe it. But I could vaguely feel "something". I think the same kind of feeling happened a few years ago. Another person called me asking how to get to my area. I was awaken from my nap to take the call. Interestingly (or may be it was false memory), I remember asking repeatedly if that person was coming. Turned out that it was about some other matter. Similar kind of feeling.

Like I said. If emotions get in the way of work, I will suppress it anyhow. At least for now.

Regrets never having chance to work with some people

2011-02-27T21:31:00.001+08:00

Suddenly regrets never having chance to work with some people... Shall name them here. In case I forget in future.... They are mentioned in no particular order though.

1) Cui Rong: Seemingly smart girl, with comparable CAP to boot. Although from polytechnic, but can sense she is a cut above the rest in what she does best. Would be interesting to see her performance up close.
2) Rebecca: Another one from polytechnic. This is a "problem" child. Always asking question. I stress again. ALWAYS. Wonder what kind of insights she would bring into a project. Some might think only the dumb ask questions. But it actually takes a certain amount of thought to be able to ask critical question. You will surely be amazed at the questions she can think of.
3) Terenze: An interesting guy to say the least. Interesting to watch how he handles stuff up close too.
4) Jung-Pu: Might appear average at first sight. But I think she is juggling too many things at one go. Should be fun to see glimpses of genius from her.
5) 2 guys from SPS: One look, and you know they are smart. It's been a long time since I felt constantly
"pressured" by people whose abilities, I think, far exceeds mine. In the past, I did not really like it, since I am usually on the losing end... But now, I actually hoping such people would show up. They need not be "invincible". Just need to be better than me most of the time.
6) Eileen: The one from CFT lab. Looks like a young PI and sounds like a young PI. Hearing how she handles her project group makes me wonder how we would do together in a group. Too bad she is one year my senior.

Ok. That's it for now. Must get back to work.

Choices

2011-02-26T16:25:00.000+08:00

To continue with what I am relatively good at, but with relatively poor future prospects or to venture into a new area which I am relatively weak in but with potentially better future? With choices come costs of opportunity. Sigh... Why can't the area I like be filled with good futures... I guess when it really comes down to survival, practicality triumphs idealism sometimes.

Sometimes, it is better not to make too many considerations and just take a plunge. Thinking too much will only bring out more fear. And when one is paralyzed by fear, one will not proceed forward - which is counter-productive (the purpose of making careful considerations is to reduce chance of making errors and so to move forward faster). That applies to work and other things...

Energy running low these days. Found that I have come to better understand my human limitations and hated it, nonetheless. Whatever. I will need to push myself for the final stretch. This will be, by far, the worst period of time in the 4 years. Then again, it will also the most exciting time.

231 total competitors. 23 direct competitors. Only 1 person I have to surpass - Myself.

Ramblings of the week

2011-02-17T23:03:00.001+08:00

Today and yesterday was a mad rush. Yesterday was a rush to perform 3 immunology techniques. Today was a rush to perform second day procedures of 2 of them and to look after my millions of good friends. Oh oh! There was a module test in between as well. Very happening 2 days. Why? Because I want to attend another of Gossip Lane (GL) meetings. Haha. As much as I hate to admit, as much as I think I am different from them, I cannot bear not going (unless of course, going means severely threatening my academic survival). I think it has been some time since such a feeling occurred. Class outings has ceased for a number of years. I guess I am treating GL outings as a replacement for class outings. Except, I am the odd one out here. Well... you see, the rest are females.

In recent years, males increasingly bore me. Somehow, I have come to see them as competitors. A threat to be eliminated. A challenge to be surmounted. Certain females do fall into this group as well, though somehow, I tend to view them with less hostility. . Well... ok. I do differentiate between male friends and male "not-friends". I still get along well with male friends, though I have come to view male "not-friends" with increasing hostility. "Alpha-Male" syndrome? Perhaps.

Two things about GL that attracts me. 1) attractive females 2) unprecedented opportunity to learn more about female psyche (really! presents to give/not to give, dressing, how to handle romance issues. There is always something new to learn through their gossiping).

Seems like LTYS is really going after VW, though it appears VW is unmoved. I think LTYS's courage is commendable, considering his economic ability is rather... weak, given his qualifications. I believe LTYS can do much more. But I think, in his current status and known capabilities, he has a lot of room to improve (see? remember what I say about hostility?). I think he has the potential to do it. The question is whether he can realise this potential. The rest of GL gang is progressing well. Hope this is an upward trend for them all.

Somehow, I think I have always confused between when is it protective instinct at work and when is it that I like someone. Like for WQ, I think I knew from the start that it is protective instinct at play due to the circumstances. But for VW and MS, which is it really? I have no clue. Oh. Before I forget, I kind of feel strange at GL meetings. Somehow, I think they kind of forgot that there is a possibility that I might like one of them. It would be interesting to know if this is really the case or otherwise. If this is the case, then why is this so. Then again, I cannot ask directly. Knowing them, more guessing will come, meaning more troubles.

Ah. After this many lines about GL, time to shift focus to work. Work has been piling up. One of my modules appears to be totally beyond my grasp. Perhaps I have overestimated my capabilities. Good thing I do have life-lines that I can use to bail me out. But I think I have lost a lot of interest in modules. All I am interested in is Project Final Fantasy because it is the key to my class. That is not all. Project Final Fantasy is my hobby turned reality. It is also my avenue for redemption. For someone who has failed in 2 of 3 JC prelims exams and has continued the trend of being lousy at benchwork throughout most of his subsequent academic history, Project Final Fantasy presents a great leap in my abilities. From fumbling at first attempts to being able to do reasonably well from the start. From not knowing what problems to look out for to being able to decide how best to do an experiment. I think I have grown a lot in the past year. Must really thank my previous mentor and my current seniors for their help. I think when I am immersed in an environment with strong role models, I will also grow stronger faster. Yes. The competition is stiff. But strong competitors can bring me to the next level. However, despite my perceived improvements, I think Project Final Fantasy might end up like its namesake - that this could be my final project in science.

Drafts to submit. Tests to study. Presentations to prepare. All in a span of 8 weeks. Dare I say that this period is the true test of capabilities and determination for anyone. I think my competitors are slightly ahead of me. Therefore, I have to pull out my inner "hollow" to bolster my strength.

Put An End to Negativity

2011-02-13T15:15:00.000+08:00

Been extremely negative for the past few weeks. Maybe it is the stress getting to me - from having to re-do experiments and tons of other work to do. I have gotten to the state which I can even fall asleep on the train while standing (and nearly falling down each time). Too many unknowns at work and too little time to iron them out. Oh well. I think the scope of my project is a little too wide anyway. From now on, I shall just do whatever I can and worry less. 5 weeks more to judgement.

Talked to VW again. Surprisingly bumped into her on my way to lunch. Somehow, I think we are on the same boat, just different stages. She has graduated, I am graduating. Both looking at post-graduating studies as a possible future. I have been advised multiple times not to jump straight into further studies but to take time to see the industry and, amid the rush for results, have become withdrawn from laboratory work. She has experienced one month of of a postgraduate student's life and was starting to feel the amount of uncertainty is a little too much for comfort. While I have can take a break from research without significant repercussion, she has to repay her scholarship if she wants out. Just mumbling this out since the decision is hers and I cannot help her much. I got experienced people to talk to her already. I guess the ball is in her court now.

Ah yes. Valentine's Day tomorrow. A dreadful day for me. Shall hide in laboratory and not go out unless necessary.

No Festive Mood

2011-02-04T21:32:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be full of festive mood this season. After all, this is the day the Earth starts another new revolution around the Sun and the new zodiac sign takes its position. Then again, I have absolutely no mood at all. Why? I do not really know. Maybe my mindset has aged 20 years ahead of my actual age. I feel like I am becoming a self-depreciating, yet self-righteous old uncle. Full of contradictions yes?

On the days I am supposed to enjoy the festive goodies and put on smiles when I go visiting, I found myself drowning in self-depreciating thoughts. I think I have BOTH inferiority complex AND superiority complex, depending on the situation. Wonderful! I do not think anyone can be more contradictory than me. Hah! (I apologize for my "not-so-sane"... words.)

Looks like it is true. Festive periods can do strange things to the minds. Good thing there is some paper work to keep me kind of occupied. Finally I get to have some "quality" time with my notes (With a little tinge of underlying sarcasm. But I do appreciate that I finally get some time to go over my notes.) They are the line that keeps me from thinking too far out.

Final Stretch to Project Final Fantasy

2011-02-02T09:35:00.001+08:00

In a flash, I have less than 2 months to the conclusion of Project Final Fantasy. 3 years preparation for this finale initially seemed very long, but at this point, I wish it was a little longer. This final stretch seems tougher than any period in the previous 7 months. Looking at my datelines, I think I have to forgo many things in this period. Yes. If anyone asks "why do you work so hard?", I will just answer "because I need the grade". If anyone ask "why you want the grade?', I will just answer "for pride". This is true. So far, I did not notice any significant different between people of my class and people of a lower class. The only difference being the desire to come out tops and the speed at which we grasp concepts sometimes and how we organize concepts. Thus the strive for this higher class is just for pride and to a certain extent, for better salaries. As much as I wanted people to believe I am better than the rest, I think in reality, that is not always the case. To insist that I am the best would be mere hubris.

In terms of jobs/career, I am at a crossroad. One between familiar and novelty and between finance and personal interest. I was offer a job at my current work place. Of course, that would not be a permanent one. I was hoping to get a job to last for one year, while I decide whether to pursue postgraduate studies. If I am apply for foreign univerisities, I would need GRE as well. It is said to be extremely tough and so I would need time to prepare for it anyway. Then, seniors have warned me about the gloomy further of PhDs. It seems like the boat has already left the coast for biomedical research. Low pay, high workload are rampant almost everywhere now. I think with more people getting PhDs, this trend is set to continue as supply of PhDs continue to outstrip demand.

Negative emotions are running high these days. "Dominate" seems to be a word that is constantly flashing across my mind. I guess, while harnessing the drive brought on by these emotions, I have to be wary not to succumb to them. These emotions are not the objectives of education - they are simply the drive to reach greater height, albeit not the positive way.

On another note, it is good that she has moved on. Saw her picture on fb with him. Hopefully this is a new beginning to a wonderful future. Haha. In case you are veering off onto the wrong track, no. There is nothing between us. It is just my "protective" instinct kicking in (Ok ok. And a bit of jealousy too). However, it does reminds me that no matter how I try to move away, I am still engage in a solitude battle.

2nd Week of Final Semester

2011-01-17T22:41:00.000+08:00

Out of three modules, I kind of hated one and it happens to be the one which I cannot avoid. Looks like I have to face-off with my nemesis back from year 1 again. Did not managed to surmount the challenge then. Let's see how things go this time round.

I think I have taken my pedal off work. Not a good sign. This is the period when I really need to fire on all cylinders. And I really mean ALL. There is little time to waste. Yet I cannot stop myself from eating and sleeping, eating and sleeping on weekends.

Ah. Lastly, half the brain keeps thinking of strange scenarios with certain people and trying to second guess intentions. Inevitably, they all turn out to be almost impossible scenarios and ridiculous imaginations. I think I am growing crazier by the moment.

Quarter of a century

2011-01-09T01:18:00.002+08:00

Walked the earth for a quarter of a century but sadly, not much contributions to people around me. I think I have never liked people remembering my personal details. I want people to remember what I have done, what I have been doing, what I will be doing. But not personal details. Strange, no? I do not know why either. Maybe it is because I do not want the feelings of disappointment when people forget.

Went out with Gossip Lane people again today. Realised the a lot of tactics guys used to hook up with girls are turning them off and break ups are often messy affairs that are very poorly managed. Also, it is very important to own a car and be able to drive one.

Anyway, I do not have the time to be engaged in such things now (or so I psycho-ed myself to think). Work is the foremost priority, even though I may not get the rewards in the end. But at least I have put in the effort to fight for it. After all, I am a person who only knows how to "fight".

Must be crazy trying to win everything

2011-01-05T23:03:00.000+08:00

Yup. Must be crazy. Trying to compare the incomparable is insane and frankly, just a waste of time (not to mention raising blood pressure and heightening the risk of cardiac infarction and stroke unnecessarily). Furthermore, some one somewhere will be stronger than you and even though you may be stronger in one aspect, others may be strong in another aspect. Therefore, this entire comparing thing is ridiculous. For example, income. Compare someone earning high pay but does not really like his job and some who likes his job but is getting average pay. Who is more successful? The victor and the loser shall depend on your definition of success, for which there is no fixed yardstick to measure.

But somehow, I just cannot stop doing it. Currently, it seems that if I have to define who I am, I would have to use comparisons of achievements (or lack thereof) and work. The endlessly making comparisons must be something inborn I think. Perhaps it is coded in my genome (assuming such characteristics are genetic in nature). These endless comparisons are making me a green monster (envy). I am getting tired of making comparisons because there will never be a true victor. However, competitions (which I have a realistic chance of winning strong rivals) always makes my blood boil with anticipation (I mean it!).

Oh well. In a world where almost everyone only cares about their interests, who turn their backs on the facts (or worse, trying to hide or twist the facts), who ignore the repercussions of their actions, being competitive yet remaining ethical in doing so is the least I can do. Still, I will try to rein in this competitive streak and channel it only for constructive purposes.

Must clear head

2011-01-01T21:16:00.000+08:00

Recently thought about a lot of stuff. Important stuff, unimportant stuff, fantasies etc etc etc... I need to clear my head and focus on the task at hand. Forget about the fantasies. They are just that - fantasies. Unlikely to happen. Let things stay the way they are and see they go.

I need to regain my "powers" or evolve to the next level to succeed.

Reflecing 2010

2010-12-28T00:15:00.003+08:00

4 days till the end of A.D. 2010. Since I have a little bit of time, let's get this down now. Let's say 2010 did not start out well. Project in limbo and relatively weak performance in academics the previous half a year - a B+ in a core module. In short, it was a reality check and put paid to my suspicion that I needed one. Although I do not like that state, but it was a good growing up process. Getting shouted at because of poor work and rushing out reports last minute. Non-optimal examination schedule where I had 3 exams in 3 days and a super duper memory-intensive one in the middle. I think I did well for the first half of 2010. Or I was lucky. Could be both. Academic performance was restored. I had a good mentor and senior who helped me a lot (have to really thank them). A bunch of good and fun friends in the laboratory (Gossip Lane people).

After than half year, I found myself another project. This time, working on my favourite subject. The co-supervisor's lab is really nice (at least from my viewpoint) - good science, good people to give advice... although I have no mentor (it is a good thing I have prior experience in this line of work so I am not that lost) and no one seems to know exactly what I am doing, it still feels great to be able to think like a researcher. After the major goofing up the previous time, I am glad I corrected myself of most things which I erred prior. Yeah, the hours are long (think 12,13,14 hours a day, 7 days a week for long stretches), it is quite fun.

Although the primary goal is to do well, this project is no longer just an academic exercise. It has evolved as well to a personal quest. Maybe that is partly why the crazy working hours does not feel that bad (though it is bad. I felt I have reached my tolerable limit today and my brain is breaking down). My main supervisor has been very supportive as well. I got an opportunity to present a poster on my work at an international conference as well. Perhaps it is the nature of the conference. Most people does not really care about posters though.

I consider myself to be in an optimal, or close to optimal condition, but with a tough research objective. It like trying to climb a daunting mountain with no clear path, bringing excellent gears. Except my climbing skills are not great at the moment. I hope my desire to win can see me through. Never has this craving been so strong. Perhaps this is because 1) it is my favourite subject 2) the huge reward at stake 3) the need to redeem for my past mistake.

Things went kind of went downhill in the other academic area again. I was told I topped in one module. But I got a B in another. B! lowest grade so far! Oh well. I guess no one can win everything and I just have to put in more effort or choose something which I have more interest in. Then again, it reflects well on the strength of the cohort. If I keep doing well, it could mean that 1) I am good 2) the cohort is weak. Sometimes, getting beaten by others simply means that we are competing against strong opponents and that is a good thing. So far, I found myself getting stronger when working with people above my level. Then again, it is too bad I had no opportunity (or have let slipped such chances) to work with peers who are consistently stronger than me. That was the case in secondary school. I miss those days.

Ah yes. There is the "presentation got cut off midway" episode. Groups before mine exceeded their time limit and we got the shorter end of the stick. Somehow, I felt that it was extremely unfair and went to see the lecturer (although the lecturer said there was no need to and that he would grade us fairly). Still, I went straight to see him. It felt good when he agreed that we present to him the remaining portions. But the important thing is, I grew a backbone! Haha. At the same time, I realised I have little tolerance for sloppy work (I am trying hard not to produce any sloppy work myself) and a short fuse to boot. It is tough being a lazy perfectionist. I am intrinsically lazy but also a perfectionist (or almost one). The latter has usually kept me away from the former.

On the social front, I finally signed up to facebook. Forgive me for not revealing the reason behind this. It might cause misunderstanding which I am trying to avoid. Speaking of stuff I am trying to avoid, there is this friend of 11 years, accusing me of doing things I have been trying to avoid. This friend has always been the one trying to stir something up. I mounted a verbal assault this time (of the cynical and sarcastic kind. Not the vulgar type. But no less potent). Guess we will not be speaking to each other for quite some time. Guess I "hit" him a little too hard. No more infinitely tolerating nonsense. Hit me hard, and I will bite back. Of course, that depends on a number of criteria and in general, I consider myself to be a more accommodating and rational person.

There is also the recent episode where I almost confused liking a person and sympathy/empathy again. It seems to be my nature to blur the lines, though I am gradually learning to differentiate the two. It has been 5 years since I racked my brains to buy a present too. Glad that this time, it goes well. Self-made icosahedral box encasing the present. Yeah... it was kind of rough. But this way, everyone can see that it is really hand-made, no?

I just remembered an important part. Two actually. Cats. There are two cats near my lab. Somehow, always hungry. Then again, how are we supposed to know how much to feed. Feed too little, they are always hungry. Feed to much, the leftovers will attract too many ants. Troublesome critters I would say. Sometimes, I feel sad for them being unable to find their own food and have to depend on others. I hate to depend on others at work. Yes. I have many different sides. The "at-work" me is different in some ways from the "off-work" me.

Post No.: Triple One

2010-12-25T12:19:00.000+08:00

There is a fine line between working hard and working stupid.

I think I am more of the latter at the moment.

No Christmas this year

2010-12-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

Christmas will probably be spent working. Oh well, this chance to work comes only once while Christmas comes every year. Then again, because of work, I have been neglecting family. Fine. I am not that close to them in the first place. But I am not insensitive to their feelings about my being constantly away.

Results are not good this semester with the lowest grade ever appearing. Of course I am sad. Then again, if I keep getting As, then it means the rest of the cohort are weak and it would be no fun right? This is a reminder of my vulnerability (my "mortality" I would like to say) and a chance to fight rather than defend.

On the social side, it is good that I have not mistook sympathy and empathy with something else. Good job Brain. It seems better to just be around that to be attached to anyone. Yes... It can be kind of "lonely" at times. But hey, I can't have my cake and eat it at the same time.

Forget about festivals

2010-12-23T09:52:00.002+08:00

Behind time in work. Need to forget all about festivals. Think only about work.

Got Beaten. Sort of.

2010-12-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

Got beaten. An ugly B appeared. Oh well. No question about it. Revenge is on the cards. Looks like the BMS batch iseems to be quite strong. I have to perform at my true level or exceed my level to beat them. Things have just gotten interesting. Not only do I have to beat them, I have to beat myself as well - to grow further and further exceed my limits.

Things have gotten really interesting. Time to put on a real fight. The Final War begins!

Too much Korean drama

2010-12-21T11:07:00.000+08:00

I think I watched too much Korean drama in recent times. Of course I do not have the time to catch all of them and only was able to catch certain episodes of certain dramas due to work. Then again, the effect has already manifested itself.

Imagine this: Girl breaks up and is feeling very sad. Guy has positive feelings towards Girl (though not yet the love kind). Guy sees this chance. Guy tries to ask Girl out to try to get Girl out of misery, on the pretext of being friends (or bogus boyfriend etc), but is really hoping to become an item later.

Of course, in dramas, that would probably work out. But this is real life. See? Brain completely gone bonkers for a few minutes. Seniors say can try also. But then I think trying it this way will not work. Attempting such things when someone is down and might not be able to think rationally is a good strategy to start the ball rolling I agree. Question is what happens when the person becomes rational again. Will it last? I do not think so...

People I want to beat

2010-12-20T10:34:00.001+08:00

Not physically beating them of course. But surpassing them in terms of results. In fact, to thrash or crush them would be more satisfying. It is not that they have overtly offended me or anything. But somehow, I feel this intrinsic dislike for them. There is no explanation. Just intrinsic dislike. Or was it pride at play?

I will strive to beat them through legitimate means of course (I do not do sabotage). I can sense that they are relatively strong. Then again, it will make beating them much much more satisfying.

Fishing?

2010-12-18T12:46:00.000+08:00

No matter how I look at it, no matter how I try to justify, I seem to be trying to cast a wide "net" to increase chance. There are several possibilities. Then again, several seems a little too many, especially for the conservatives. Trying for too many will get me no where.

I think it is not fair to compare them, since every one is different. Then again, how do I even begin choose one when I cannot compare and every one gives the same feeling? Or is this just a passing phase? Many questions, no answers.

Coincidence

2010-12-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

Gossip Lane Christmas Dinner today. It was good to see that girl recovering well emotionally from that "incident". Ok... It was a Japanese restaurant and no Christmas dishes. Still, it was a Christmas dinner. Left work at 1747 for dinner, came back at 2200 to resume work. Strangely, I actually felt good, despite the hassle of going out and coming back (think of the peak hour crowd and all).

Gift exchange was on the cards. However, I had to miss out (Work. Of course.). For the gift, I spent the day before scouring 3 shopping malls for 1.5 hours. There was actually another Christmas BBQ 2 weeks ago with my secondary school CCA people. I did not get any gift because it was too rushed. I kind of felt bad not to have put in more effort then. Actually, I found the gift at the very first shop but decided to look around some more. The moment I saw it, somehow, the image of one of the girls wearing them flashed past (Earphones. Not some strange stuff). Ok. I associate things and ideas with images or people I am familiar with. So this was one such occasion again. In the end, she really got it. One out of 5 or 6 chances.

Remembering Why I Need to Work Hard(er)

2010-12-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

To prove I earned my class and is a class above the rest.
To prove my ability is not restricted to the theory.
To repay the encouragements from my supervisors, seniors and important friends.
To redeem myself from the poor performance last year (perhaps the most important reason).

Yes. Now is the time to go all out. Hold nothing back.

Split second wish for a shotgun

2010-12-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

Yes. For a split second, I wished for a shotgun.

It happened like this: The time is about 2245. I finally finished work. Not a very good day though. Been at it since 1000 (on a SUNDAY). Weekends are actually not too bad... just that I think I hit my limits. So I was ready to rush to catch the bus. I opened the door. That was when it appeared.

Patches of black and white. Four legs. Claws. Yellow eyes. Long tail. Measuring... well.... 50cm? It is a feline. Ok. I am not too fond of animals. Watching them on TV and in the zoo is fine. But I would avoid animals if I can. Too troublesome I thought. I don't know what it is trying to say, it doesn't know what I am trying to say... etc etc etc. What's more, who knows what other organisms are hitching a ride on these animals that are perceived to be cute? Must be hungry again I thought - it didn't appear during dinner time. They are always hungry. I went back to get food. Then I turned and saw IT inside the room. BUT IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE ROOM!

Perhaps it is because I have been watching Resident Evil 4 walkthrough the past few days. My first thought was: Where's my shotgun? If this was a game and IT is the antagonist, I would not have hesitated to shoot it right away. Good riddance to a pest I would have thought. But my brain returned to real-life. Shotgun? I would be arrested for having weapon. Shooting at animal? That is breaking another law. Besides, IT is just a feline. Not some monster.

Ok. IT is in the room. What do I do? Trying to catching IT means running risk of getting clawed or bitten. Not good, considering I have pressing work to do in the future. I tried to lure it out. IT actually snarled at me and, let's say, took defensive manoeuvre - IT probably thinks the room has an endless stash of food (or something to that end). Never did IT expect that not only there is no food, it cannot get out. First few attempts to lure it out did not quite work because the door did not cooperate and IT was very agitated.

Finally I got the door to open and IT dashed out. Stupidly, I went out too and the door closed behind me. The door is controlled by an access pass and I left mine in the room. Well done. What now?

At least I still can make my way home. That is what I did.

I supposed I cannot blame IT. How is IT supposed to know? If you ask me, yes. I was quite furious at that time. It was late. I spent my weekend at work. Then IT has to come "rub salt into my wound". Ok. Next time, I am going to watch the door closely. I will avoid going that direction for the next few days. Not because I am afraid of IT. Let's just say I am tired of playing nice.

The Lust is Back

2010-12-11T01:31:00.000+08:00

The lust to see proper work done that is. Finally got a little bit of urgency back. Was lapsing into holiday mood after the exams. Just realised I am left with only 3 more months. Got to step up the pace.

On Wednesday, supervisor talked to me about my plans after my project. She is reluctant to take in any more student because she feels like retiring. But she did recommend me to another PI. It feels nice to be recognised by someone who have seen a lot. Then again, despite what others have said, I do acutely know that I have yet to become the completed product (no one can be a completed product because there is always new things to learn).

Need to buy new shoes and trousers. It's a pain when the basic things that I have taken for granted falls apart or needed an effort to maintain/replenish.

Looks like I got to do something on the social front. Getting "scooped"... Then again, I deserved it... Too reserved and too focused on work to see the world around me.

Brain Block

2010-12-05T01:26:00.001+08:00

Suffered from brain block while writing Introduction today. There is too much information and I am having trouble trying to put them together to achieve a good flow of ideas. I think I need to get a 1,2 day break. Need to do some reading to come up with a good Introduction, buy some clothes and a pair of new shoes (old ones are coming apart).

Better not go into holiday mood. But there are still a number of people I want to meet (some of them quite desperately)...

12th Western Pacific Congress on Chemotherapy and Infectious Diseases

2010-12-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

That was today at Shangri-la hotel. Good thing I went yesterday to scout the place. Or else I would be very late today. The first time I went there was for buffet lunch with the lab at The Line. Very good food. Today, I went there thinking my head will be chopped.

My senior got the Young Investigator Award. Out of over 300 individuals who applied, only 2 were chosen. It is good to be in such good labs. There are a lot of things I can learn. Pretty amazed that I actually had a poster to present, despite being abit short on data. There were more people who stopped by to look and read my poster immediately after I put it up than at the actual poster session. Haha. So my head was not chopped at all. Phew. Many thanks to seniors from both laboratories and my 2 supervisors.

Met 3 people that interest me at the conference. First is the head of Communicable Disease Center. In the past, I only saw her on TV and on newspapers. I actually saw her in person today. My recent goal is to work in CDC. Looks like my boss has some connections there - they are in the same project. May be there is a little bit of chance I can get to work in CDC?

Second is a girl whom I had communicated via email, but not seen in person. She is a PhD student, writing up her thesis now. I consulted her on certain technical stuff. Now that I met her, quite pretty actually. I always wonder why some people can have both good looks and good brains while most of us are stuck with lopsided attributes.

Third is another girl (Yes. Guys do not interest me socially. But there are guys that I admire at work. I admire all the PhD students in my labs. All very capable. Hope I will grow to be like them). Without her, I probably would not have gotten an A+. That time, I was rushing to do experiments, thus missed quite a few lectures. Without her lending me her notes, I most probably would not get an A+. She is also pretty and smart. But... I think she was too busy. She worked at Science Center as a guide. But then because of all these distractions, she did not do so well and could not to go on with the fourth year. I think it is quite sad actually. There are people who just studied and scored in exams without really understanding and without passion for science. They got to fourth year. But decided not to proceed because they did not like science. Rationally, these people should not be blamed for halting the advances of others, like this third girl. But irrationally, I think they are wasting not only their own time, but the chances of others - why bother to work so hard, then give up in the end, when there are people who genuinely want it but got outcompeted by you people because they have other commitments. Like I said, these are irrational thought. Who knows, she might have better opportunities awaiting her. I think she is very sound in terms of technical skills and above average in terms of ability to grasp theory. Hope she will go far in future. Well, if I know of a suitable opening in future, I will definitely recommend her. She is someone I will want to work with and not give my heart attack, unlike some others.

Final War Part I Over

2010-11-30T09:50:00.001+08:00

Finished final year part 1. Practically worked at near my maximum capacity for the entire period. Compared to the previous year, when I was languishing in deep, deep pit of no where, this year is better. Of course, there is still much, much, much more room for improvements. But as far as amount of work put in is concerned, I can say I have do not much regrets over lost days.

The brain seems to work better this time too. Compared to the sluggish crawl of the previous year, the brain is almost on hyper mode this semester. Though I am not sure of the outcome, in terms on on-the-spot performance, it feels good to be back to the usual.

After this "Final War Part I", I acutely felt the sense of emptiness. More so than previous 6 periods. No one to go out and "celebrate" with. Either they are still having exams, or need to resume work, or they are occupied with their own close friends. NEED TO GO OUT!!! With Doctor, with Gossip Lane people, with AHS people at least.

Then again, I do not really have the time to "celebrate". There is a conference poster to prepare. Yes. This situation is similar to that of last year. That is why I see this as a chance for redemption. To show that I can surmount this obstacle that I previously did not do so well.

Let the "fun" Final War Part II begin!

Testimonials

2010-11-28T10:13:00.000+08:00

Finally. Someone realised that certain testimonials are written by students themselves and vetted by their teachers. How they took so long to acknowledge this is beyond me. Certain institutions remained insistent that testimonials are wholly written by their teachers.

For one thing, how can a teacher remember so much details of each and every students. A typical class has at least 25 students. Each student takes at least 4 subjects and has at least 1 CCA. How can a teacher remembers what every and each student did? A teacher has other classes to teach as well.

There is nothing wrong with students writing testimonials for themselves, provided there are processes for verifying the accuracy of their work. If teachers are forced to write testimonials, I believe the typical strategy will be to trawl the school's database, find out achievements and then write these in, along with some generic phrases that inevitably put all students in a good light. What is the difference then? If you recall your student life, a teacher typically gets along more frequently with a handful of students. Testimonials for these students would be more accurate. As for the rest....

If you totally believe the accuracy of testimonials, then I believe you are shortchanging yourself. Just look at all those testimonials for commercial products. Do you really believe them? Perhaps some are true. But if testimonials are really so accurate, why do companies bother to conduct costly human clinical trials and why bosses need to conduct interviews? Testimonials probably reflect the capability of the person accurately. But subtle traits such as their characters, their ability to communicate with others, to work with others for examples, do not get a proper airing. It is easy to "pretend" in front of bosses. After all, they do not stand behind you to observe you the entire day. Further more, schools rarely carry out peer appraisals for students.

Just like those short term toxicity tests, interviews are short term tests, providing some information on candidates, but not the complete picture. With lessons that coaches interview skills, it is even more difficult to discern true behaviours from "prepared responses".

However, given the lack of suitable mode of assessing candidates besides interviews and testimonials, we have to live with them for now. Then again, it is likely that neither offers an entirely accurate picture of a candidate. Interviews fare slightly better because you can further question the candidates to reveal their true (or "true-er") nature,

One-dimensional Being

2010-11-23T12:58:00.000+08:00

Suddenly felt that in one aspect, I am similar to Margera Wonderweiss - the Arrancar which has his ability to think, speak and et cetera, removed by his creator to boost his power. I am one-dimensional too, though probably of my own volition.

Besides academic tasks, I do not consider myself really that competent in any thing else. Actually, I do not think it is so much of me sacrificing too many things for academic pursuits. Rather, it is my reluctance to explore new grounds and my hatred for failure that has impeded me. That has changed now, however (at least this is moving somewhere).

To achieve a high level of competence in something, unless you are extremely talented, requires a lot of time. Therefore, in order to rise above the others in at least one field, I have to put in more effort. If you plot a graph with the amount of work done on the x-axis and the results obtain on the y-axis, you would probably get a graph that increases rapidly at the start, then the gradient would start to decrease and finally plateau. Similar to the graph of rate of enzymatic activity against substrate concentration. Thus if you want to attain a higher level of achievement, you probably have to put in a lot more effort than others. Some people would think hard work is proportional to achievement. But most of the time, they do not have a linear relationship like many would think.

I think for those who are "not-so-talented", the drive for perfection is necessary to excel. That is both a boon and a curse, unfortunately. Unless one is able to regulate this drive for perfection, one will always be a one-dimensional being.

I have all/most of the armaments. But am I able to wield them skilfully?

2010-11-18T17:57:00.001+08:00

Armaments = notes/information/knowledge

Like the title said. This is my current problem. Actually, amassing too many armaments is also a bad thing. Too many options. By the time I finished "training", the "battle" would have been over.

6 days into break. Every single day is a struggle of trying to stay awake and coping with the insatiable appetite. Felt sleepy all day long. Perhaps this is because I have slept too little in the previous months. Now, even sleeping 8 hours a day is not enough. As for appetite, well.... just imagine trying to look for food like once every hour. Or eating massive amount of food during breakfast/lunch/dinner. I think if this goes on, I can say hello to the Doctor very soon.

Ok. Someone led me to re-look my current priorities. One: This person (or actually, people) had the mood for birthday celebrations at a time when a major project is going on. Two: This person, who has usually been scoring lower than me, actually emailed past year questions to me.

Point One: Okok. Maybe I am the weird one. My birthday holds no significance for me (though I believe otherwise for certain people). It is just the day I am born. Nothing more. I have not anything special or earth-breaking for anyone to commemorate this day either. Then again, judging from the actions of people around me, yes. Birthdays are important dates. From this, it is super duper obvious that I am a very negative person. A senior put it very well - A day lost in lab may not matter. But to miss out on important social activity will have a bigger impact. Need to re-look priorities. Also, I need to go out more. Maybe I will reconsider going to that Christmas gathering.

Point Two: Very generous person I must say. The papers are freely available. One just have to look for them. I actually have them prior to that email. If you bother to refer to that post where I spouted things about "competitive edge", you would have probably guessed I would not reveal such information to anyone, unless it is someone who really needed help or someone asked me for it (I tend to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. Unless I have judged that the person really needed help or it is something basic that everyone should know or we are in the same group. Or there is no conflict of interest/goals.). But this person actually just emailed to all her friends. Looking back, either I am selfish, or overly competitive. Need to reflect - on a simple gesture that actually set me thinking.

Temporary Break from Laboratory

2010-11-13T18:11:00.002+08:00

Got a temporary break from lab to handle a more pressing matter. Just before the break, 3 major events occur.

1. During a presentation, my group happens to be the last to present. However, because the previous groups took up too much time, we had only 15 minutes to present 20-25 minutes worth of material. I cannot understand why Year 4 students cannot keep their presentation to the stipulated time limit. Yes. You are busy with experiments. But I am busy with experiments too. Why should I be penalized because of your laziness to trim your presentation? I got kind of worked up and went straight to the lecturer's office to request for a presentation. Thankfully, he acceded to our request. Somehow, I think the current me has became a lot more assertive when it comes to things that matter. (Note: I just realized that the paper which has taken over 30 minutes to present actually could be done within the time limit. Either I have overestimated the abilities of that group, or they are indeed too busy to put in effort to properly present the paper.)

2. For another assignment, I took a very long time to search for a good and novel topic to write. Took too much time and ended up starting to write the essay just the night before submission. I managed to submit 11 minutes before deadline. This is, by far, the most last minute desperate rush for time I have experienced for assignment submission. Seniors said I think too much. But then I think my essay still has several loopholes that I was not able to adequately cover. Oh well... It was an extremely thrilling experience but it is best to avoid such situations. I may not be able to survive next time.

3. An old friend of mine, who has been trying to "encourage" me to go after someone, turned around and accused me of bugging that person. One thing that I absolutely cannot tolerate is someone falsely accusing of something I have been working hard to avoid doing. This is ridiculous. I hit back. But perhaps, a little too hard... Speaking of "go after", this seems to be quite a common topic in the lab after an event last week. Almost drove me nuts.

Work has finally caught up

2010-11-07T11:10:00.001+08:00

After feigning ignorance for so long to concentrate on laboratory work, module work has finally caught up with me. Dateline is 5 days away. I have narry a clue of what to write for the essay. It has to be novel, it has to be plausible. There are a few candidates... but all of them are not perfect. I guess if I am pushed to the wall, I will choose the best candidate among these to write. So far, I am able to keep up with laboratory work, though optimization is taking up a lot of time...

Oh social front, after the Wednesday and Thursday, my heart has been out of sorts (brain and heart are separate entities for me - brain is the more logical one, and heart the emotional one). Think of someone who has just struck lottery and is comtemplating whether to continue buying or to stop because he/she acutely and logically knows that this is a one-off event. On the other hand, he/she also feels that perhaps luck may once again smile on him/her. Brain is quite sure that is a one-off event but heart thinks otherwise. It is taking very long for the heart and brain to settle their arguments... Going straight up to ask is the most direct but the worst thing to do. Perhaps the high level of stress from work and the sudden oasis of calm that event has brought has contributed to the maelstrom that is now stirring. Need to filter these distractions out.

(For the record, I dislike betting and do not encourage anyone to gamble, except for pure leisure [definittely not to make money via gambling].)

Realization

2010-11-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

The outing tonight (or more accurately, last night) kind of paid off. It sort of put paid to any fantasy idea. I think it is both good and bad. Good because I can totally erase that thought. Bad because... hmm... one lost chance?

I can suddenly see the future. At mid twenties, I will be pondering over career options. At early to mid thirties or even late twenties, I will be fretting over being "left on the shelf" and making desperate attempts to rectify my apathy in the past one or two decade.

Distracted

2010-11-03T01:05:00.000+08:00

Heh. Just got distracted by someone. Suddenly realized it is actually quite nice to have so many people wishing you happy birthday. Then again, this totally goes against being invisible, which seems to be my favourite past time. Haha. Ok. Now is NOT the time to think about any someone. Since I am a person who only knows how to "fight, fight and fight" to achieve goals at work (rarely anywhere else perhaps because I want to relax elsewhere), and work is really really important now, I shall just focus on that.

Okok. I know. Maybe I may miss that any someone. Then it is good riddance to the bad genes I carry, don't you think so? (Getting a little crazy here because of lack of sleep.)

Ah yes. While I was bathing, an idea for further experiment came to me. Looks like I need to buy another antibody... Work work work. I actually enjoy work. Hahaha.

Another U-Turn

2010-10-31T23:58:00.001+08:00

Somehow, the results don't tally. Sigh... a week after I thought I made another progress, it looks I am back to square one. It happened 2 months back and it happened again... Wasted all that money and efforts. BUT I will sort through the mess and nip it in the bud. Problems like this shall not stop me! I know I sound like some maniac. But as long as I am motivated, almost anything goes [as long as it is not morally wrong or is harming others].

While going through Facebook, I saw the other side of this person. Interesting interesting. In choir, and can play piano. I think I realize why there is this "mis-connection" with this person. She is quite similar to another person. Similar build, similar background, and I think, similar "aura".... Okok. Sometimes, I judge people by their "aura".

Increasingly, I realized the only think I can do well... is well.... study (I think if I am in the natural world, I would be dead by now because I am a "one-trick pony"). Hmm... Maybe it is because I crave perfection in work. That is why I keep restricting myself. But this is changing gradually. Do not get me wrong. It is not that I cannot take failures. Look at the numerous tries in my experiment during optimization phase - but the desire to succeed just keep getting stronger. It is just that I detest the feeling of failure. But then again, I also realized that "if you don't fail, you will never learn".

Project Final Fantasy Update

2010-10-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time. Time seem to flash past. Suddenly 11 weeks have come and gone. I think I am really getting used to staying in the lab. Been doing 14-hour work since I don't know when. Compared to previous year, I think I am a lot more interested in this project. A lot a lot more interested. Is it because of what is at stake? Is it because of all the nice people in the lab and my supportive supervisors? Is it because of my pride? Is it because I really liked this organism? Maybe it is a little bit of each. Somehow, work has turned into some kind of personal goal. The goal is no longer only aiming for first class. Rather, it has evolved to include the desire to improve myself (technically and mentally) and perhaps more importantly, to find out what is really happening in the cells. Simple thing: I love my current lab and I love my research and I really wish I could attain the skills faster and become better at it.

On another note, I think group project has revealed to me that I am intolerant of people not performing to standards despite all the help I have given. Of course I am not the best student nor do I know what is correct or perfect answer. But I think people have got to take their responsibilities seriously. 21 years old is considered an adult in legal terms. I do not care how anyone behave outside of work. But work is work and people have got to treat work seriously. Yes, they may have avoided the dreaded project, thinking they are not meant for science. But if you think a little deeper, a project is not just about training your skills in doing experiment and scientific thinking, but also your mental toughness, time management and an array of life skills (including taking responsibilities). Skipping the project actually means they are giving up a chance to learn all these skills. No doubt these can be learnt elsewhere. But since the opportunity already presented itself, why not grasp it? I think the institution has to start to see such projects not merely as training for only future scientists, but also helping to develop better individuals.

Rectification

2010-10-15T21:20:00.000+08:00

Ok. The one who sent the "not-up-to-standard" material is another person. I wronged a person. Then again, that person did not go find out certain things anyway. Still, I wronged a person at that time.

How many months have passed? ....4 months. I am severely behind time. The sinking feeling I had last year is back again. It is as if a hole has opened up right below me. Ok... Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time to work, work and work. Must grow stronger!

Blood Almost Boiled

2010-10-06T22:37:00.001+08:00

Ok. My blood almost boiled just now. Told a groupmate that he has to add this, this, this. In the end? Yes. He uploaded his draft early. This is good. We can all look through before discussion tomorrow. Then again, what is the point when there are so many important points missing?

I provided a review paper that he can refer and through email, I suggested several points he can include to make the report more substantial. Well... either he did not read my mail, or he is trying to hoodwink me, hoping I can add in the missing part for him - he did not add those points in. Instead, he adding a part that another person was supposed to do (this is really "icing on the cake")! However, based on my knowledge of his character, he is not that kind of irresponsible person (He better not be!). Ok... the overlap part is useful in that we get to compare both their materials tomorrow.

What really gets me is that I explicitly, in black and white, suggest to him what to write. Since we are no longer kids and I am not their senior but their peer, I do not want to "police" them. I have no rights to do that anyway. I can only give suggestions and gave them as such. If they have other ideas that they think will work, it is fine with me. Unless it is stated as project requirement, I did not (to my memory) insist they include any material I said or simply accept my judgment unless it is agreed by the majority. After all, I am not perfect and I believe I can learn from them. People who do not take into account the views of others but obstinately believes they are right will probably get no where.

As seniors, I believe that we should be able to perform tasks to a certain level, especially after clarifications and reaching a consensus. However, I think what I am getting is something more akin to a junior level work standard - fresh into a new environment, do not know what to expect. Yes. Everyone will go through a phase when they grow up and make mistakes. But a mistake of this scale at this point of time (after 3 years in the system)?

I think I will go nuts if I ever become a teaching assistant and have to mark the assignments of students. We need to take some initiative to do things that we think will improve the state of matters, in addition to what we are told/suggested to do. I do not see myself as better than others intellectually. However, increasingly, I have come to realize that what differentiates me from them is the willingness to go the extra mile to get the job done and to make sure I have done the work properly. Anyone can achieve this right? It is not something that is inborn.

Comments on Recent Scientific Issues on Newspapers

2010-10-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

If you have been reading The Straits Times for the past few days/weeks, you would have come across these stories:

1. Forum letters arguing whether vegetarian diet will help save the Earth or disrupt the ecosystem.

2. A column claiming women should not be scheduled for night shifts.

3. Protests against approval of marketing of genetically-modified salmon by FDA.

Comment on issue 1: Based on my understanding, current studies have shown that eating vegetables conserves more resources than eating meat. I have no doubt that is true. Just look the food chain. How much feed do you need to supply a cow with just to rear the cow so you can the meat. So, should we all turn vegetarians? To save the Earth? Yes. I believe saving the Earth is important. But have anyone considered the enormous economic problems if everyone becomes vegan will bring? What will happen to all the farmers rearing animals if we all turn vegetarians? You do not want to solve a problem, but generate a new problem. To those who claim current methods of farming is unnatural, please do not take this accomplishment by mankind lightly. It is an achievement born out of the need to feed billions of people. Unless you are saying the very existence of human is the bane of the Earth, then I do not see why you should criticize such intensive farming. They exist because we need them to exist. As for the impact of ecosystem, who are we to claim if we do this, we are "restoring" it to natural state? Have you considered the impact of a large scale cultivation of crops? How different is that compared to rearing of animals? As a species, human have progressed far beyond any organism on Earth. There is basically no comparison for the impact human have on our environment. Yes. You can write about "restoring natural state" in your exam essays. But please do not put up such things in an international conference to chart environmental protection efforts. My view is: Yes. If you feel going vegetarian is good for you, go right ahead. If you feel you should persuade people to go vegetarian, you can go ahead, but pay attention to whether your audience is interested - otherwise it will seem like nagging. Nobody likes to be nagged at.

Comment on issue 2: After reading the column, all I agree is melatonin suppresses breast cancer. What is the problem if we sleep during the day and work at night? There is still a night-day cycle needed for production of melatonin right? Before we jump the gun and call for a stop to night shift, I think we at least need to establish a mechanism for this day-night cycle and melatonin. Instead of a complete stop, perhaps a reduction of hours of night shift is a better measure until more conclusive evidence surfaces.

Comment on issue 3: Ok. I just found out the inventor of GM salmon is a professor at a local university whom I have seen several times. Yes. It is too early to tell the effect of consumption of GM food. These effects are likely to vary, depending on the method used to generate GM food. The FDA should allow labeling of such salmon as GM food so consumers can make a decision. It is true that consumers have the right to know and to choose. Making decisions for the consumers (when consumers have clearly shown their preference for labeling) goes against the role of FDA, which is to protect the safety of consumers, particularly since safety of GM food is inconclusive (it seems to be safe, with the exception of potential allergic reaction thus far). To those who lobby against GM food, your concern is valid. However, there is not yet evidence to show GM food is unsafe. Also, we should not be influenced too much by movies. All the chimeras, "evil" genetically altered organisms, are just designed to interest you in paying the tickets to keep the movie industry afloat. I almost burst into laughter when a local Chinese newspaper put up a picture of a chimeric animal in an attempt to portray the danger of genetic engineering. Yes. There are potential hazards. Then again, generating such a "monster" is extremely difficult and who will fund such research in the first place? There is genuine cause for concern regarding genetic engineering and various governments have started to look into the issue. We should not let irrational fear or ignorance impede us from making progress of such useful technology.

Feeling the Stress

2010-10-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

Ok. The stress has started to hit me. Experiments are way behind time (thanks to "worms"). Load of notes not yet gone through and memorized. Concurrent projects with datelines close to each other. My getting fat (can feel the fat around my waist) and getting more and more drowsy (probably due to lack of sleep. 6 hours and less is just not enough for me.) Perhaps the only consolation is that I have no other commitment (or maybe that is bad...)

The strategy to tide over all these is not to think of how much I have left, but how to accomplish everything. Things looking daunting when you think of every thing. But if you look into how to tackle them individually, they will appear simpler. Rationalize the problem is the key. Rather than complain and whine, it is better to find a way out of problem. Rise to the challenge. Fight all the way!

What I Meant by "Restart"

2010-09-27T21:00:00.000+08:00

When I say restart, I DID NOT, DO NOT and WILL NOT EVER mean seeing "worms"!!!! The sight of wiggling "worms" makes me sick. Real sick. Why am I stuck at this very basic levels. After the good start, everything is unraveling now. Why Why Why...

Restart

2010-09-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

After a horrendous 7 weeks, I think I should hit the restart button. Better do it now than later when there is no more time.

Project Final Fantasy Update

2010-09-24T18:36:00.001+08:00

I think I am getting used to life revolving around the lab. 6/7 days a week, I come to lab. Usually for 10 hours, minimum of 5 hours a day. I take it as an achievement that I am able to overcome my "unwillingness" to head out to work even on weekend mornings. The days that I did not come to lab because I did not schedule any experiment felt strange, even though I have other work to do at home.

Coming to lab has become a norm. Unlike many people who complained about coming to lab, I think I have blurred the distinction between lab and home. The lab has become my second home. Literally. I spend more time at the lab than at home. I talk more to the people in the lab than to people at home (this is not to say that I will do that to future wife if I ever have one). Yes. Lab is a work place. But increasingly, the people at the lab seem to resemble family members: elder brothers and sisters.

Things are not going well now, partly due to my prior ineptness. Just like the previous year, I feel a sense of guilt coming to lab but not doing anything fruitful on the bench. The feeling is akin to being a free-loader at home. I actually felt that I want to be associated with the lab, to be a "true" member of the lab by acquiring the skills to do so. I do not want to be a member simply because I am in the lab. Perhaps this is the major difference between me and other people: I want to excel in work not only because of the grading. But also because I want to prove myself to be worthy of belonging to this lab.

Ok. Enough of lab. On other work, I am progressing relatively slowly. I admit I do not feel entirely secure relying on the work of others when doing projects (perhaps this is hubris at work due to performance thus far compared to that of others). Then again, given my tight schedule, I have to rely on others and distribute the work. After learning to work independently, perhaps it is time to learn to trust others and work as a team.

THE LAST STRAW

2010-09-16T10:05:00.000+08:00

Ok. I have had enough. I will not spare anymore alcohol and I will now take extreme measures to ensure that I will not see cocci and/or rods in whatever I do.

To help or not to help?

2010-09-11T10:03:00.003+08:00

There is this friend who I think is lamenting over why I did not help her. Of course, she did not mention any names. However, based on series of events occurring recently, I strongly believe she is referring to me. So why I did not help her?

There is this presentation which requires each of us to select a scientific paper to present. I have chosen mine with help from my seniors (eventually, I switch to a more appropriate paper. The one recommended by my senior was really good. However, I later realised it does not fit into the scope of the presentations very well and therefore switched to, what I think, is a more appropriate paper). She has not chosen hers and asked me to help. How can I help? I cannot suggest papers from my topic because my presentation comes before hers. If she presents the same topic as I did, the novelty will be gone. This is actually not good for her.
I think she is rather dependent on people and this has to change. For her first research presentation, she actually thought to seek help from our teaching assistant, who is in a different laboratory from us, to vet her presentation. My working policy is: Do not involve people who are not working directly with you because they have their own work to do. I think getting people to take notes for lectures which you missed due to work is fine, since it is in the way (I will offer mine when the friend needs my copy (mutual help) and it minimally troubles the lender). Getting people to do additional stuff out of their way is not right. Prior to exams last semester, she asked what is my schedule for revision and wants to follow my schedule. Everyone's schedule is different and their ability is different. So my schedule may not work for you. Anyway, I have not thought of a schedule at that time.
She went ahead to take 4 modules, despite knowing she has a lot of laboratory work to do. Yes. It is true she has to clear a compulsory module before graduation. However, I think she should have known better (after 1 year of laboratory work) - modules are a major disruption to laboratory work. Since you know the risks and decide to take them, you should be prepared for what comes. Everyone has to live to the consequences of their decisions. You cannot expect to do something and if that something goes awry, you absolve yourself of all blames.
Grading is done on a percentile system (bell-shaped curve). Therefore, I think everyone is competing against everyone. However, I am not so competitive and unfriendly that I do not give help or advice to anyone. I do respond to questions she (or anyone) asks and explain in as much detail as I can everytime. Sometimes, I also alerted her to new information, though sometimes, I just tell her where to find it and not the information itself. She can, also, read up for herself based on the papers referenced on the lecture notes if she does not understand. That is what I do most of the time instead of calling people up to ask (I only call if it is a very urgent matter). In fact, she does read up by herself.
We are no longer kids. While we can ask for help if we are genuinely lost, I think we have to consider the fact that we are actually all competitors. No amount of white-washing or playing friends is going to change that. As friends, we will help each other as much as possible. However, in my opinion, we all have a right to protect our competitive edge and should respect those of others because we (or they) develop these advantages through hardwork. This is how major countries and corporations work and I see no reason why this should not applied to daily lives. When she told me she made notes from readings of a particular part of a module, I was tempted to ask her for the notes. However, I acutely felt, as well, that this is her work (hours of reading) and it would be unfair to her if I just ask her to cede her advantage. Therefore, I did not broach the topic.

After reading all these, you may feel that I am overly competitive or taking things too seriously or being too rigid in thinking. I have to say that she is not that helpless. In fact, she has shown herself to be more capable than me on several occasions. I do admire her for her efforts sometimes. It is true that through sharing, we all can all learn something from one another. However, I feel we all have the right to protect our key competitive edge from direct competitors. To deny competition exist is unrealistic. While we all hate our limitations and desire someone who can help us as much as we want, we will not grow as fast. I think this is the stage when we really grow from teenagers to adults. Too much help given is not good.

One last note: If you still think I am justifying my over-competitiveness, I concede that is true to some extent. I am trying to rein in my over-competitiveness.

End to Weekly Update

2010-09-10T19:40:00.000+08:00

No more weekly updates.... Progress is soooo slow that there is nothing talking about. Well... there is a lot of negative stuff. Take today for example.

Today is a public holiday. Almost nobody comes to work. I am supposed to several straightforward things:
1. Prepare biochemical
2. Treat cells
3. Plate cells for tomorrow
4. Aliquot FBS
5. Assay organism
6. Test biochemical standard

Item 1: Ok.
Item 2: Ok.
Item 3: The pipette has no marker below 8ml. So I assume it's a 10ml pipette as most of the pipettes in these
           cylinders are 10ml pipettes. I plated the cells. Then I found that I had a lot of excess -- which means
           the pipette is actually a 11ml pipette! Ok. Have to scrap experiment and wait for cells to grow.
Item 4: Ok.
Item 5: After the horror of item 3, I was disheartened. In addition, I need to pH the medium before I can
            use.     The assay will take ~2.5 hours. Anyway, I think I'll go do Item 6 first.
Item 6: Embarrassing failure. Somehow, the pipetting was way off. Yesterday I got R2 of above 0.999.
            (I usually get R2 of above 0.99) Today, I do not even need to plot the graph, I know it is "gone
            case". This proves that I should not do Item 5. Time to pack up and go home.

Lesson learnt: Try to avoid working on public holidays if I can.

HOWEVER, work is still work. No matter what comes, I have to complete it. This is a promise to myself and to many people.

Project Final Fantasy: Week 13.5

2010-09-03T22:11:00.000+08:00

Well, B-I-G joke of the week is that I cracked a culture flask with bare hands. Nope. I did not drop it. I broke it because I hit it too hard. Original cells did not work so well. Therefore, I switched cells. These new cells grew slower and and are bigger. So not only I get my cells slower, but I get less cells per flask. Wonderful. More headache. But so long as I do not see bacteria, I am still quite happy. I just need to grow more flasks of the cells for my use.

I think I like the theorizing part of science. I tried to help two friends to think of experiments they can do to improve their project. I found that I actually liked it. Then again, if I cannot do benchwork, no amount of theorizing can help me. Benchwork is the greatest barrier for me, though it has weakened somewhat over the year. Thanks a lot to my previous mentor and my supervisors for the support and pressure. I need some pressure to work, even though some people say I am giving myself a lot of pressure already.

Nightmare That I Cannot Temporarily Wake Up From

2010-08-30T18:59:00.000+08:00

How can unfortunate events strike so many times in a span of 7 days? Things get delayed again. I HAVE to wake up from the nightmare. Tasks are now on free-wheeling. I will do whatever I can do. After all, the objectives remain unchanged. Must maintain drive!

Project Final Fantasy Update: Week 12.5

2010-08-28T19:35:00.001+08:00

Literature review went well. I think I am really really used to presenting - to the point that I am actually excited to present. Or is that because the chemical signals secreted by the Brain is being mixed up because of prolonged stress? Anyway, I shall take this in a good light. Good things rare come unaccompanied by bad ones. I have to restart the tasks I did so far with a new cell line. Therefore, it is back to the beginning again - while people are making progress. That is fine. I just have to push harder. After all, I want my results to be solid (best if it can be diamond solid) and not full of asterisks and notes.

I think peoples' talk have a way of influencing me. One "hi" to a girl and my seniors think I like the girl. Wonderful isn't it - if only getting a girl to be a girlfriend can be this easy (with a very very very sarcastic tone). Anyway, initially I really feel nothing towards her. Then after this "hi" incident, something did tug somewhere. A similar situation happened 7-8 years ago. I am not falling for the same trap. Not ever.

It is time I made full use of the "twin drives" that I have. I need to surpass those with "false drives".

Additional Lessons for Working in BSC

2010-08-26T15:05:00.001+08:00

Spray with alcohol, wait for ~5 minutes, then wipe.
If the paper towel is disintegrating, change it.
Wipe front grille of the BSC as well.
If need to draw/dispense into same flask/bottle repeatedly, leave the cap open and place the flasks on the left or at the back. Repeated opening and closing of cap increases risk of contamination.
If there is a spill, ignore temporarily (But not until the end!). Cap all bottles or bring out flasks before wiping it.
Add/dispense liquid close to the bottom of the flask.

Virus ARE Living Things

2010-08-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

On my daily commute to work today, I had a passing random thought: Virus are living things. Ok, every biologist would say "But they cannot reproduce on their own!" / "They have no metabolism outside of host cell!" etc etc etc.

Well, I subscribe to the view that life begins from simple molecules - the so-called "RNA world". We do have RNA viruses, which suggests that viruses are extremely old - think "billions of years" old. According to this "RNA world" hypothesis, DNA came into being after RNA. Many of the viruses' hosts use DNA as their "store" of genetic material. So viruses precede their hosts.

Viruses, through infecting their hosts, gain access to the hosts' protein synthesis machinery and nucleic acid synthesis machinery (to a certain extent) to enable the viruses to replicate. Why do viruses not reproduce on their own? Well, if they can rely on host cells to do that, why would they need to retain this ability? By not needing to reproduce, to metabolize, the viruses are actually "streamlining" themselves - they got rid of functions which they can "outsource" to.

For those who believe in evolution, let me put this picture to you: Virus started out as some living organism, needing to feed and reproduce by itself. Over the years (not decades or centuries or even millenniums, think tens or hundreds of millions of years), new organisms came about (maybe viruses are their predecessors?). Competition for food/materials to live drove the original viruses towards extinction - the original viruses are being selected against. However, a small group of viruses, through mutations, gained parasitic ability - they can invade host cells and produce within host cells (like some bacteria). However, as selection favours faster growing/replication population, over time, the original viruses ditch their own systems and streamlined their genome, relying on host cells to do all these jobs for them (perhaps because small genomes can be replicated more rapidly? because these host cells are more capable or efficient at obtaining nutrients than the viruses?).

Of course, I have no proof to support what I have said thus far. However, this is still a tantalizing thought is it not?

Project Final Fantasy: Week 11.5

2010-08-22T01:11:00.000+08:00

Week 11.5. Assay does not seem to be working although further verification is needed. I suddenly realized my treatment protocol is flawed. Therefore, I have to redo. Anyway, I am using a new system and therefore will have to redo in any case. Oh well, another roadblock. At least I think I am getting really used to the routine of going to work every single day. The only thing I need to be cautious about is to ensure that I really put in 100% concentration when I am working.

Outing with Gossip Lane people again. Probably the final outing, until Project Final Fantasy ends. If memory serves, they are the only ones who made me, to date, having to rush to catch the last train twice. Haha. They are my very good friends (Possibly the best of friends, even though I (sometimes) do feel kinda weird when going out with them. Imagine 1 guy with 6 pretty girls [I really mean it. The part about pretty.]). They wanted me to get top grades "for them". Haha. Very interesting. Even my parents do not bother about such things and they actually said that. This is why I think I am closer to my friends than my parents. Yup. I will. For myself, for them, for my supervisors, for my previous mentor and for my parents (even though they do not care).

Maybe Not Suited For Research

2010-08-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

Now, given that there are so many ways to do things, how can I guarantee that the way I am doing things are correct? How can I be 100% (actually, 1000% be even better) that my results are entirely correct and accurate? For someone who desires 100% correct (I am more or a less a perfectionist where work is concerned, but not else where.), this uncertainty is gnawing at me.

Inertia to do work

2010-08-15T22:55:00.000+08:00

Ever go through all the preparatory procedures but just before you start on the actual, you suddenly felt that you do not really feel like do it there and then? Well, that happened to me at least twice this week. Is my resolve weakening? Then again, I persisted and completed them. Experience really matters. Experience brings not only skills, but also mental strength.

Project Final Fantasy Update: Week 10.5

2010-08-14T00:55:00.001+08:00

Week 10.5. Reconstituted all 3 drugs (unsure if they are contaminated in the process) and assay kit. Performed plating test for 24-well plate. Subcultured 5 flasks of cells. Made new culture reagents. I am behind time. Why? Because I have not been careful enough - strange things appeared in my flasks, despite the precautions I have taken since the last incidence. I must learn not to take things for granted. Biochemical C staining came out alright. That is the only good thing that came out. Organism assay need to redo certain parts. Sometimes, I hate myself for not being able to perform these simple tasks well.

On social front, I think my lab is a super close group. We got together for farewell dinner to 2 of our colleagues.We have lunch together, tea break together, breakfast together. Very, very nice. I really really want to earn my keep and prove that I can truly be one of them. Also, there is a new project that requires me to work with new people. I have seen only 1 of them (out of 4). Hopefully we can work well together and produce good results.

Note to self: It does not matter what others are doing. As long as I have done all that I can and all that is right, I am progressing. It is my progess that counts. The "enemy" is me. As long as I have surpassed myself, I would have surpassed most of the others. Real GN drive will prevail over false drives.

Before Official Start of Final Operation...

2010-08-09T23:36:00.001+08:00

With 3 preparatory years exhausted, the time has come for the real challenge. Challenge in the real environment. Yes. I can memorize. I can think (though not as well as I liked). I can endure (though not as determined as before, but it is improving). However, it is the critical-on-the-spot thinking that I lack and the ability to plan around schedules that I am left wanting. Oh yes. I forgot to mention the perpetual trouble of being careless (or absent-minded). Through this challenge, I hope to seal these gaps. Only then, can I compete with the top people.

It is time to grow. Grow faster than anyone else!

Note to self: Knowing when to rest is important also. Remember: Haste makes waste.

Warning Signs

2010-08-08T19:28:00.001+08:00

While compiling data, a few "problems" cropped up.

According to my assay, the amount of free biochemical is actually more than that of total biochemical. (Problem with my data?)
Cell confluency used in assay is slightly less than that of that for Organism infected assay. (problem with correlating the data?)

In any case, we have ran out of the assay kit. When the kit comes, I think I will need to do a new repeat to confirm the data. Looks like I have not done so much work after all.

Reached Limit and Miscellaneous Talk

2010-08-06T18:48:00.001+08:00

I think I have finally reached my body's limit. Getting up at 5 plus, 6 a.m. every single day, reach home only at 9, 10, 11p.m. or even near midnight for almost consecutive 4-5 weeks. Today, my brain really screamed for a break (It does not help that my sore throat has been troubling me since start of this week). Well... At least for this long weekend, I can take some time to read some research papers and organize my data (They are organized. But not as good as I liked them to be.).

For some time, some people have commented on me being a perfectionist. Alright. I accept that. However, this is only because my real inner self is really quite sloppy and lazy. I need a "rational" self to control that - hence the perfectionist tag. You probably cannot imagine the mayhem if I did not set (or try to set) a high standard for myself. A senior co-worker once commented that whoever works under me will have a hard time (assuming I will hold some leadership position someday). That is kind of true. I guess. I will expect certain tasks to be completed by a certain time (who does not?) and they be completed in an acceptable manner to me. Of course. I tend to be more lenient to the others (which usually does not apply when I rate myself).

One another note, I wrote to someone on facebook today, regarding that person's future career. Somehow I was kind of eager to see that person's response and was moderately elated to have seen it. I would strongly deny liking that person, though I admit that there is positive feeling towards this person (This is a typical response to me if anyone asks THAT typical question.). While I think we have very different personalities, response to situations and social experience, we are not all that different in our innate thinking.

Dinner with Gossip Lane People

2010-08-05T23:42:00.002+08:00

Yes. Dinner with Gossip Lane people. Well... actually, girls are more accurate (all of them are, except me, though I do not see myself as part of Gossip Lane. It is too "gossipy" for me.). Great company. I like to listen to people talk and learn stuff about them along the way. This bunch of girls are extremely chatty. Perfect fit. Anyway, after a year of working together, they have moved on bigger things. It is real nice to get together once in a while and see how everyone is doing. Even though these just a click away on social networking websites, nothing beats seeing and talking to them in real person.

One of the Gossip Lane people, VW, when egged by the group to reveal her "analytical skills" regarding our strong points (one for each person) said that I am the type who, when faced with a problem, will go all the way to get the answer/solve the problem. In a way, it is true (most of the time anyway). I think to put it more accurately, I do not like things I do not know. That is why if it bugs me, I will get down to it. Also, I see it as a challenge to be overcome/crush (Especially if it is in certain areas I am confident of. Yeah. I know. "Hubris" comes to my mind.).

On work front, I still need to improve my assaying of the Organism. No doubt I am getting used to the steps. However, I am still not sufficiently comfortable with my skills at this point.

Excited. Extremely Excited.

2010-08-05T00:14:00.001+08:00

Excited about the coming work year. With a significant number of people gone, those that are left are supposedly the stronger ones (Some of the people who left are strong too of course. It is a pity they have to leave.). The competitive blood in me is boiling up. Let's see how this "battle" will go. I might end up losing of course. However it will definitely be very interesting. How long can I last? Hopefully external forces will not intervene.

(Note: Ok. From the above paragraph, you probably think I am a nut case. Just using analogy to make this coming tough year sound nicer and more interesting.)

New Self Fragmenting

2010-08-03T19:09:00.000+08:00

I think I am breaking up on social front and work. Losing patience with a certain person. Somehow, that person is getting increasingly irritating. That person kept on asking questions, and sometimes even repeatedly, and making strange remarks. Well... that person does have a point most of the time. However, I think the timing for that person's questions and comments are not very appropriate or that they are pointless.

On the side of work, I think I am lapsing into my careless, rash self. I need to rein that it or trouble will follow up very soon.

Robot Damashii over Kits

2010-08-01T19:56:00.000+08:00

Ok. After looking at photographs of Robot Damashii figures (and that I do not have time nor energy to build gunpla anymore), I think I will buy Robot Damashii figures instead (when I start having income). Gunpla... perhaps for the main characters' MS.

The downside of Robot Damashii is that it is small. Very small in my opinion (~11cm). No sense of awe... Oh well... that is the trade off for a figure off the box.

Another (Not so) Dumb Week

2010-07-31T19:07:00.001+08:00

Another dumb week. Fixation went wrong. Nevermind. The medium turned pink. I was doing assay halfway when senior came in and noticed the colour. Although he merely commented, I abandoned the assay. What is the point of continuing when it is already wrong. Good thing I had the foresight to keep another set of sample to perform the assay.

So yes. This week, beside literature review, I accomplished little else. THIS HAS TO CHANGE OR I WILL BE REPEATING MY MISTAKES LAST YEAR!!! I need to change the way I work. So one week gone. Wonderful. Nevermind. I still one week before school starts. Need to work all the way through next week. Must keep Friday night free. So Monday to Thursday, I declare war against my sloth!

Project Final Fantasy Week 7.5

2010-07-31T01:19:00.001+08:00

Literature Review presentation for main supervisor this week. It was 1) unrehearsed (It was NOT prepared last minute, though I realized it was missing a number of important points) 2) packed with a lot of information [I talked until my throat felt dry and the laser pointer went out of battery] 3) not to my satisfaction (The audience appeared to think otherwise. I missed out a few small details.). I need to improve on the presentation to pass a sterner supervisor 3 weeks from now.

Regarding real work, biochemical C assay was postponed to allow time for plating optimization (I am close to completing this part). Biochemical C assay will resume next week with an improved protocol. However, there is only sufficient material to run a single assay. After that, I will have to wait for the company to deliver the goods we have ordered. In the mean time, I will work on other stuff.

The main work this week is the time point study of Organism. Isolation of Organism at various time points and fixing of cells for analysis was done. Unfortunately, I fell prey to carelessness again. I used only a half-strength fixative due to pipetting error. I admit. It was stupid. 2 days of working till 11pm gone down the drain because of a stupid mistake that I discovered only on the final day. The only consolation was that I managed to harvest the Organism to perform quantification next week. Of course, if that assay turns out negative, it means I have wasted an entire week again. Given my tight schedule, this is not acceptable

Although it is human to err, I must learn from my mistakes and not repeat them EVER. I realized that the different between the current me and the me several months ago is that I am putting more thoughts into my work. Since I have no assigned mentor to follow and there are a myriad of protocols that work, I need to decide how to carry out my work so that results obtained at this point can be used to analyze and compare against future results. If there is anything I think that is worth celebrating thus far, this modest maturation of thought is it.

Project Final Fantasy Week 6.5 Update

2010-07-25T22:55:00.003+08:00

2 weeks till real schedule kicks in. No progress for this week. I thought I could finish my literature review this week. But problems cropped up and my slowness (self-perceived) ate up quite a bit of time. My immune cells for verification were wasted because my lysis buffer was missing an important component. Therefore, the biochemical C assay has to be postponed until at least Monday.

I hope to begin Organism growth curve determination this week. It might take a week or two. I will have to ask seniors if this is necessary. I hope to at least start cytotoxicity test within these 2 weeks as well. With these two matters settled, at least I think I am done with the bulk of optimizations. Literature review is moving along slowly. Many things to read. Many many things. Next week is the scheduled presentation week. The exact day has not yet been fixed. I will discuss with seniors tomorrow. Compared to the others, I think I am less "controlled". No one sets deadlines for me (unlike my friend who has schedules planned out by her supervisor - I kind of like that. But it sound that she is not trusted to run her own schedule, which is not good in a way). Then again, I intrinsically know I am behind time. At least a week or two behind time. This will help put the fact that my co-workers left behind me. No time to feel sad about what has happened when there is so much more to be done.

So you see, I have a lot of things to do. Medicine people will end their exams in early September. However, that is the time when the other people are slugging it out (Yes, you have seen it right. Slugging it out). Hopefully I can squeeze out an evening for a dinner. It has been more than a year.

Ah yes. I "skipped" work on Saturday (Simply take a break from experiments). It feels nice to stay at home (finally got to re-watch Aliens), though I was feeling groggy most of the time. Probably due to the lack of sleep for the past month or two.

Crapping on a "slow" day

2010-07-22T13:03:00.000+08:00

Alright, I am whiling away time here. After close to one hour of facebook surfing during lunch time and in between work (I know I am supposed to be reading up, but I am still suffering from "labmates leaving syndrome"), I realised my life is a little too boring on the social side. Of course, this is not the first time I realised this. Perhaps I put in too much time into work? I am a "work-oriented" person. Work, to me, is something to be "eliminated"/"annihilated" as soon as possible and as thoroughly as possible. Somehow, I get thrilled from knowing I "annihilated" a piece of work.

I have to re-look the way I work and my priorities. Then again, while most people would say life is not only about work, why can't work be a major part of life, like what I am going through now? Of course, there are major downsides to this approach. At this point of time, I only know how to live life this way.

Goodbye Co-workers

2010-07-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

Merely into 7th week of Project Final Fantasy, my co-workers left. Ok... they are not working on the same project as me. But at least the work place is livelier with more people (I had 8 co-workers before, so I know that very well).

The upside of having less people is,

Less people to fight for equipment
Less people to fight for space
More attention from supervisor

The downside of having less people is,

No peer support
No one to talk "non-work" things with

Oh well. If this is the path I have to take, I will just go forward. Project Final Fantasy, after all, did not initially factor in co-workers. This is a "revenge mission" and a challenge that I have to conquer and overcome.

Project Final Fantasy Update: The Day I Stuffed Myself

2010-07-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

Supervisor gave a treat to everyone because of 2 birthdays and to welcome 2 members to the team. It was buffet. Relatively good I think. I ate until I could eat no more. Seriously. That has not happen since I do not know when. A very loooong time ago. I ate until my diaphragm actually hurts from laughing. Haha. Really ate lot. Salmon sashimi, pizza, mussels, laksa, durian puffs, ice creams, various salads, cookies, kuehs, satay, sauteed potatoes etc.

I think I have a little bit of affinity with that area. My cousin's wedding was at a hotel in that area. My previous department's 60th anniversary high tea was also held at a hotel in that area.

Ok. A bit on the more serious stuff. I think this week is a "lull" period for me. Have to spend some time doing some extra testings in terms of seeding cells for various protocols and to read journal articles. Physical fitness test in 2 days time. Well, I attended a training program to "safeguard" against repercussions of clearing it. Then again, I still hope to clear it. It is a personal "want-to-win" thing.

Project Final Fantasy Week 5.5 Update

2010-07-17T09:24:00.001+08:00

Very fast. This is Week 6.5 already. So far... No major confirmed progress yet. Biochemical C assay yielded some strange but reproducible results. So I need to test on another cell line with more established results to rule out the possibility that these strange results are due to my mis-handling of the assay or is for real. The assay kit is running out. I think I can order 4 or 5 sets and still finish using them in a month or two. The six-month expiry should not be a problem for me.

Pipette tips are running very fast. I am doing two assays a day (If I devote the whole day to assay, I think doing 4 or 6 should not be a problem). This consumes slightly less than 2 boxes of tips. So I have to spend some time filling tips. This is a relaxing I would say. No need to bother about accuracy, precision or reproducibility.

In summary, there is a bit of progress. However, these are all tentative progress, awaiting confirmation. There are no paper to reference yet, unfortunately. I think I am working at close to maximum capacity. I need a short complete break. By complete, I mean staying home to read journal articles. Going out with friends would be a nice as well.

On personal side, I think I am at increased risk of being consumed by my competitive side. On one hand, it has been propelling forward all these while (coming to work every single day, 7 days a week). On the other hand, the fear of "losing" or lagging behind my peers in work has increased. Need to rein in this negative feeling before it gets out of hand.

Missed Commencement 2010

2010-07-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

Alright, it is not my commencement. However, there are a number of good friends graduating. Unfortunately (or fortunately as you will be told later), I missed the occasion. A mistake on experiment planning saw that I am at home when the Commencement is ongoing. So I did not get to see in person the people in "Gossip Lane" or those good friends wearing their graduating gowns (or whatever those are called).

Why do I say it is fortunate? For one, it made me think less of the horrid year that is going to come. Horrid in the sense that I will have endless datelines and short sleeping hours (never mind an increase in body weight that makes me feel... sluggish). But it is in the coming year that I will get the opportunity to grow and prove myself. These people have been through the tough times (even for those who did not move into their fourth year). I have to admire them for their resilience (then again, they [like me] do not much of a choice...).

Another reason why I think it is fortunate is because I am poor at mixing around. Therefore, by not going, I save myself the embarrassment of being the odd thumb sticking out. At times like these (if it is my commencement), I will probably be turning on my "retrospective mode" and feel sad (instead of happy) that I am finishing all this.

OK. Enough of thinking about all this. Back to work! Back to work!

Project Final Fantasy Update 4

2010-07-09T23:20:00.001+08:00

This is 4.5 week. It has been a busy week. Finally did some real work. Not much work though.

Contamination problem appears to be solved.
Bradford working normally.
Finally started on biochemical C assay. Initially, reading was over the scale. After some dilution, it went within scale. Good. BUT the results are a little strange and needs repeating. Also, I need to perform C-only analysis also next week. The assay itself is relatively short. The problem lies with the preparation. Very tedious stuff of standardizing biochemical P and lots of diluting. I used up boxes of pipette tips very quickly. Co-workers jokingly said I ate tips for lunch.
Aliquoted samples and stored at -80 deg.
Was asked questions by safety inspectors. Did OK. Except I need to state I will inform others about the spill before I proceed to clean up.

On the other hand, I have made very little progress on reading. Too tired to read when I got home. The only time I managed to read is on the way to school. At least I got tomorrow free. Tomorrow have to do some serious reading.

On the conference side, I have submitted the abstract. I truly appreciate the confidence my supervisors have in me. Must not let them down (what happened the last year is a real motivation not to repeat my mistakes). Looks like I am in for a rough ride the next 5 months. My limits will be stretched to the maximum.

Speaking of limits, to a certain extent, I think I have overcome my previous limits (OK, except for the occasional carelessness - like slotting the wrong filter into the plate reader and getting the thing stuck). But in terms of thinking when doing work, I think I have made a bit of progress (there is a lot more to learn though). Well, having no mentor helps in a way. I need to think on my own. People will get sick if you ask too many dumb questions. The one-year experience really helps a lot, in terms of mental strength, practical and organization skills. Lots of thanks to JN and KSG.

Amendment (10th July 2010): I just realized a problem with the assay. The standardization does not allow comparison between separate experiments, although it works within an experiment. I need to use a new method.

Clarification

2010-07-07T21:41:00.000+08:00

Ok. After re-reading the previous post myself, I realised may be I might mislead people. "Shame" does not mean someone made my life difficult. Rather, I made someone's life difficult. Actually, it is more than one person. At least 2. I am not very sure about the third one.

Just met one of the two on my way home. The one that said seeing the sun still up when the train goes out of the tunnel made her feel happy. Do not get me wrong. She is a co-worker. Actually, we met prior. It is pure coincidence we ended up doing working at the same place. After many failures at work, I stopped talking to her. Well, to begin with, I am not much of a conversationalist (I prefer to listen and absorb information. I can remember certain minute details of friends.) But I totally stopped talking to her. Except to ask question. Very poor communication skills I admit. At that time, I felt I had no "face" to talk to anyone, not just to her. How could I when I did not produce anything of value, yet everyone thought I was producing something and everyone had relatively high expectations of me. Rather than being haughty, this is more of a "silence due to guilt" thing. It seems like I am making poor excuses for my past deeds now. But this is the truth. This episode is one of my greatest regret in life so far. Currently the biggest one staring at me.

Speaking of regrets, there is the primary school error of selecting an all-boys group for certain competition. No doubt there are a number of outstanding girls. However, my judgement was skewed by my aversion to girls back then. Silly mistake. If I had made the right decision then, I am fairly sure we would have progressed beyond the first round.

Third regret is my childhood reluctance to learn two things. One beginning with c (7-letter word) and the other beginning with s (8-letter word). Why did I not take the chance, I do not know, especially the one beginning with s. Too introverted and too short-sighted (metaphorically speaking, though true literally as well) perhaps.

Fourth regret is following my heart (does not apply exclusively to romance). Usually lead to something awful. It has been proven. The heart cannot be trusted. True, the heart prevents the brain from executing cold calculating moves. Unfortunately, it does a very poor job of protecting my interests in the face of obvious threats. Only by combining the output of the heart and brain in a balanced manner can a person truly function effectively.

Deja Vu

2010-07-05T22:15:00.000+08:00

It seems the nightmare of previous year is repeating itself again. Among my friends, I think it entered a better lab, got myself an exploratory project (with good prospect of publishing) and surrounded by nice people. AND like previous year, my mentor/supervisors thought too highly of me and suggest I put up an abstract, and subsequently a poster, for a conference.

Do I have the words "Please please please send me to conference" on written on my face? What do they see in me anyway? So far, I have not shown any result nor any glimpses of any brilliance. Heck, I cannot even do a simple Bradford assay (although that appears to be solved now). Sometimes, I wonder why can't I do my projects like normal people. Do project, write thesis, submit, the end. Why must I be sucked into these risky "all or nothing" games? Somehow, I must be embroiled in some additional activity that is beyond my level (my perceived level).

On the bright side, if I can pull this off, I can wipe clean the shame of previous year. Yes. This is a very big motivation. Never mind it will look good on my curriculum vitae. I should be glad that I got entangled in this again. This means that I can put myself through similar challenges and see if I come out tops this time. Besides, even if I did not come out tops (but hopefully not bottoms either), then I would have an edge over my peers. Yes. Yes. I feel better when I see it in this light now. Statistics, however, does not favour my quest at this point of time. This will be a very trying time.

Right. I sound like a vengeful maniac. Like a Saiyan. This analogy is very accurate. But only when it comes to work. Other than that, I am alright. Perhaps I will become more normal when I feel I am on par with my "rivals" or when I am other things/people to concern myself with other than work.

King and Horse Finally Have the Same Goal

2010-07-04T19:23:00.001+08:00

King = Good me. Horse = evil me. Both finally and truly agree to work together. This has been long overdue (3 years or longer now). I took the King and Horse analogy from a certain Japanese animation/manga and a column by a certain Gary Hayden. King symbolizes the "good" part of a person (hardworking, altruistic etc etc etc). Horse represents the "primal" part of a person (lust, greed, sloth etc etc etc). According to the Japanese animation, if the King is weak, he will be taken over by the Horse and vice versa. But finally they agreed to work together against a common threat. FINALLY!!!

There is a drawback however. It seems that wrath has come in faster and more intense than before. Looks like I have to keep my temper in check before it boils over. Scary scary...

Today Did Not Happen

2010-07-02T16:21:00.001+08:00

Yes. Today, 2nd of July did not happen. It was a blank. The day jumped from 1st July 2010 to 3rd July 2010.

Well, to the rest of the people, 2nd July did happen. I simply chose to deny its existence. Why? Because nothing happened today. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Nil. Zilch. Everything from 0800 to 1630 was for naught. So yes. Nothing happened. I wrote off the day.

Tripped by Bradford Assay

2010-07-02T00:25:00.001+08:00

Bradford assay is a commonly used method to quantify (estimate) protein levels. Unfortunately, I was confused by the protocols. I have done the assay before. However, different people appear to use different protocols. I do not know which is right (more accurate). Seniors recommend that I read the manufacturer's protocol which should be optimized (Why did not I think of that?!!). Well, it turns out that everyone is partially right in some parts and partially "wrong" (perhaps they took into consideration certain factors which I did not).

Ok. So after consulting the manufacturer's protocol and verifying it with Current Protocols in Molecular Biology and a certain university's protocol, I have come to a final protocol.

1. Protein standards will range from 0.05mg/ml to 0.5mg/ml BSA (0, 0.05, 0.10, 0.20, 0.30, 0.40, 0.50)
2. Add 10ul of standard/sample into each well.

3. Add 200ul of 5x diluted Bradford regent.

4. Incubate for at least 5 minutes.

5. Read at 595nm.

6. Perform standard curve every time I do the assay (to account for different incubation time).

1st Month Review fo Project Final Fantasy

2010-06-30T21:34:00.001+08:00

One month flashed past very very quickly. It has been one month since Project Final Fantasy started. Here is a list of what has been done:

Procurement of materials is mostly done.
Assay for target organism appears to be going well.
Additional measures have been put in place to prevent contamination.
A modest stock of target organism has been propagated (17 from true breed and 17 from cross breed).
Primary drug treatment in progress.

The main concern I have at the moment is that the progress is relatively slow. I fear not being able to complete all the tasks in time. My speed in performing tasks are also relatively slow -- This could pose a problem when the equipment are more frequently utilized by others. I am also behind time on reading.

Why the Lack of Progress in Reaping Benefits from Human Genome Sequence

2010-06-27T11:18:00.000+08:00

An article from yesterday's newspaper commented on the progress (or the lack of progress) in reaping the rewards of having sequenced the human genome. According to the article, although the sequencing (determination of the order of As, Ts, Cs and Gs of your genome) of human genome was completed 10 years ago and scientists have since further their understanding on human diseases such as diabetes and cancers. However, this has yet to translate to clinical applications, with the most advanced therapies under still under clinical trials.

Perhaps it was over optimism or lack of sufficient knowledge in those days (inevitable because science is always progressing), the people involved in the sequencing projects were hawking the potential of having the genome sequences: cancer therapies that targets precisely the genomic abnormalities and treatment of other genetic diseases such as osteoporosis and autoimmune diseases such as lupus.

Obtaining the human genome sequence is, no doubt, a big achievement. Knowing the sequence will allow us to predict outcome of cancer treatments (genetic markers as prognostic factor) for example (if someone has a particular mutation in a gene or multiple mutations in multiple genes, what how good will be his response to anti-cancer therapy). Having your genomic sequence will also allow detection of diseases caused by the absence of certain genes or by having too many copies of certain genes.

However, knowing having the genome sequence is merely the start of a long journey. Having a particular gene that codes for a disease does not mean you will have the disease. A disease can involve single gene or multiple genes. If it is a single gene, then dominant and recessive alleles will come into play when determining if you will have the disease. Humans have two copies of a gene in their genome (in general). If one of the copy is "defective" and this copy is dominant, then having one single "defective" copy means you will have the disease (if we ignore other pathways that can compensate for this defect). However, if the "defective" copy is recessive, then you will need two of such "defective" copies to have the disease -- you are safe as long as you have a normal copy which is dominant. In this regards, the genome sequence will tell you that you have a defective copy but not whether it is recessive or dominant (which will require genetic studies to elucidate). Therefore, having a "defective" copy of a gene does not mean you will the disease.

Furthermore, for the effect of the "defective" gene to manifest, it has to be expressed. Not all genes are expressed at all times. Some are expressed at specific points of time (such as during fetal development or during puberty) or under specific conditions (insulin is expressed when there is high blood glucose level). Therefore, even if your genome sequence shows that you have a "defective" gene, you may not have the disease if the gene is not expressed. In addition, there is the epigenetics factor to consider. Modification of proteins bound to your DNA may alter the accessibility to factors needed to express the gene. Therefore, again, the correlation between having a gene and disease is not so straightforward.

The problem of correlating a gene and a disease becomes much more complex when it is a multiple gene system. A mutation of one or more genes may alter the system and the interactions between these genes may or may not result in you having the disease. Treatment targeting a "defective" gene may perturb these interactions, resulting in exacerbating the disease or improving the patient's conditions. Having the genome sequence does not tell you which gene interacts with which gene(s) or even what are the function(s) of each individual gene.

To put it simply, sequencing the genome is merely analogous to deciphering the spelling of each word. However, we do not know what the word means; we do not know what it meaning will be conveyed when we put several words together into a sentence. A lot more work, a lot more time, a lot money is needed if we are to realize the potential of human genome sequence.

Contaimination! Contamination! Contamination!

2010-06-26T14:32:00.002+08:00

Contamination in 2 flasks and 2 wells!!! Contamination!!! Unforgivable! I think contamination reflects that I am not a very careful person. Ok. Some of the senior students also get contamination now and then (relatively infrequent though.) Very problematic. I did not experience contamination in the first year and now, I get contamination in 3.5 weeks! I have take a more extreme aseptic measures. This is very troublesome, especially since I have to boost my speed of doing things. Looks like ethanol consumption will rise by quite a bit in the coming days.

Project Final Fantasy Update 3

2010-06-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

It has been 3.5 weeks. What have I done? Well... not a lot. Not the actual work anyway. They will begin next week. Hopefully. Must work harder while morale is higher. My morale is always higher when things begin. There is apprehensive of course. However, future is always brighter when I am dreaming of the potential of this work.

After a few times of problems with plating the proper number of cells (various people suggested various methods), I think I finally got things right. Finally. Some do consider individual cells of multicellular organisms as an organism. I do not. Simply because... well... they are not complete organisms. Besides, if you consider them complete organisms, imagine carrying out "massacre" of tens of millions of cells every day.

In this 3.5th week of Project Final Fantasy, I had three dinners with friends. Just this week, there was the dinner with science research people (Too bad our doctors did not attend) and dinner with secondary school gang. Everyone seems to be doing well relatively speaking. These outings are the calm in this turbulent period of "Battle". I really and acutely felt the calm during science research people outing, while we are around the Helix Bridge area. If I remember, the last time I had a similar feeling was during secondary school CCA chalet.

Truthfully, I am not one to root for prolonged period of calmness in work. Calmness is good. Stability, predictability and a sense of feeling good. Especially if you have already found your significant Other. I think I like challenges. I enjoy competition. It raises my game. I think inevitably, when you mix with strong (or stronger) people, you become stronger over time as well. Also, the kind of euphoria when the dread of failing is banished with unexpectedly good outcome is unbelievable (The lack of people to share this euphoria can be a downer though). Yup. I think the thirst for competition, the craving for euphoria of success and the burning desire to beat a challenge are driving me onwards (and perhaps further away from romance though).

Then again, I think I have become a better loser. More willing to accept responsibility for making mistake, admit mistake and face mistakes. This is essential I think. If I do not face mistakes, then given my highly competitive nature, I will (in the words of a senior) "crash and burn".

Successful Stage 6

2010-06-24T23:53:00.002+08:00

In the fight with 8 stages, I supposed I can claim to win Stage 1,2,3,4. Stage 5 was kind of a draw or even a loss (though most people would claim otherwise) - 2 of enemies are tough to beat and I got sucker punched by 2 others. The main problem then was the lack of motivation. Or perhaps winning the previous stages had made me over-confident of my abilities. Very, very big mistake. The good thing is, they reminded me of my weaknesses.

As much as I hate to admit these weaknesses, I do know that if I do not admit their existence, I will never improve. It is better to face up to reality and challenges than run away from them or bury my head in the ground. I did some reflection and tried to put new measures in place for Stage 6... and Stage 6 is another success. All right, the success of Stage 6 belonged not only to me, but to my mentor and seniors. They played a very big part in this. I can never thank them enough. Now, as I move on to Stage 7 and 8, bigger challenges await. To achieve true victory, I have to overcome these.

So, as you can see, I am someone who likes to "fight". Overly competitive they say. Then again, this is how I live most of the time. "Fighting" is the only way of life that I know. Perhaps this is why I am incapable of proper love.

Watch What Your Kids Put into Their Mouths

2010-06-23T23:31:00.000+08:00

Being interested in infectious diseases, I was a little shocked to see something today. At a restaurant, a small kid (3-4 years old by my reckoning) was playing around. At one point, he used his index finger to rub the floor (The restaurant staff was mopping the floor. Perhaps the kid was curious about the shiny and slippery surface). The Mother (I presume), carried him back to her seat. The aunt (another assumption) gave the kid a french fry. Not into the mouth of the kid, but letting him hold it by the very hand that touched the floor! You would think that with the recently outbreak of hand-foot-mouth disease, parents and guardians would be more careful.

Now. Infectious disease are scary. However, most of the time, they can be easily prevented! Simple things like avoid spitting, covering up mouth or nose when you cough or sneeze, remove stagnant water and wash your hands before eating can go a long way in keep you healthy. Alright. I hear some of you saying that what if you did your part, but others do not. I have seen people (mostly older generations, though these are only anecdotal evidence) spitting; people coughing without covering their mouth etc. I think we need more education. Things may look alright now. However, imagine if there is a influenza pandemic (Experts believe it is imminent. The only question is when it will happen.) or an outbreak of multi-drug resistant tuberculosis. Then what? Do we need really need a major event like SARS to wake us up?

Yes. People have complained about being a nanny state. The question is, how can we not be a nanny state when we cannot do things right ourselves?

Dinner at Ikea

2010-06-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

After my first weekend at work, I get to go to Ikea to have dinner with secondary school CCA friends. Ok. It's not that we rarely meet. Just not so frequently. I went Ikea for a few times with my family, just not with friends. Interesting change of people. Yup. Meatballs were nice as usual. Too bad we did not try the chicken wings. Those are very mouth watering also. Sigh...

Of the 5 people who went for dinner today (including me), 3 already have jobs (they graduated) and 1 has guaranteed job (he's a lawyer). Me? I do not know yet. Maybe try for doctorate? After all, I hope to work in CDC (local or in the US) or WHO. We'll see. First, must see through Project Final Fantasy. Perhaps, like Square Enix, I will have Project Final Fantasy II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII....

Project Final Fantasy Update 2

2010-06-19T07:24:00.003+08:00

2.5 weeks since beginning of Project Final Fantasy. What I have done:

1. Bought materials.
2. Grew organism in mosquito cells.
3. Learnt cholesterol assay
3. Begin preparing for cells for plating to perform drug treatment
4. Harvesting organism
5. Assaying organism number

Seems a lot? Nah... It has been slow. Could have been faster, if not for the 2 consecutive stupid days. Like what the people around me says, I should try to slow down and think through more carefully and ask people around me for opinion/help. True, true and true.

I think I am intrinsically very competitive in things I believe I can do well. Ok. Practical work is not something I can do well at the moment. However, since I have a year of prior experience, I have expectations to live up to. Particularly since my previous experience tells me I am error-prone and so should work harder/faster than most people to avoid last minute scramble. Then again, "Haste makes Waste". I am attempting to find a good balance between speed and solid progress.

On another note, somehow after watching last week's Guess3, I am stuck to Rainie Yang's songs. Previously, after I watched a Taiwanese game show: A Million Star, I got stuck to Jay Chou's songs. A Million Star is a show similar to the American "Can you remember the lyrics", except it has artistes trying to continue songs instead of members of the public. In a way, this increases the standards of singing and makes it more interesting. The host and "principal" Harlem Yu and "class monitor" No-No provides very interesting interaction also. Very very good entertainment.